When was the first time I constricted within my hips, pulled them in, suppressed the movement of myself through holding this in?
Is the starting point wanting to be with someone, just be with, not love, but just be with?
was it within playing the violin, where i believed that if I let myself out I would be attacked? that moment where I held myself in while performing, and the playing I was doing outside of myself, only allowing a part of myself to be there, and it ended up being like projection of myself to hide, a presentation to protect myself, the choice I made to protect myself in this world, without having to show myself because I thought myself unworthy,, because I thought the world does not want who I am, a protection and defense. when I have to be here in totality to step forward, to become one and equal to here, in common sense of what is actually physically happening.
when do I go into this suppression, where did I go with my thoughts, this desire for sex, this suppression of sexuality, how have I distorted this, how have I concentrated myself into this only, wearing this like a “how I am supposed to be” “something to entertain myself with” “ something-like a role in which I become the part as the model of how i am supposed to be” done in accord with a picture instead of as a “pure” expression of myself here, a “natural” expression in simple sensual communication.
Is the sensual dirty, and would this sensual, if allowed, really be dirty, as the sensual is what allows enjoyment of this actual physical world, where when I played if I became too sensual it would disturb the listener, where women are not allowed to be this, as being sensual, a man is allowed this expression, yet a woman is not, and when the woman does this, it is either demure or aggressive, and have I allowed this gentleness within sexuality to be what am when I am intimate with a man, only which is why the men want to keep this under lock and key, as a place to be themselves outside of the projected performer/persona used to face the outer world?
Is this why I have projected this onto men, because this is the place where i am the sensual, and then I make this big, and seek it, to place it in a box, where I then spend so much time creating a scenario where I can open my box whenever I want, organized self expression allowance?
but this allowance of the sensual in sexuality only, is not myself being here as myself one and equal in and as the physical.
So is it that I place this into a box, a scenario, and then hold it within the rest of the time as I have not been taught or allowed to be common sense within the norm ( normal) communication and interaction within this world, I mean the children in kindergarten up to second grade would come and hug me, and I had to turn my body to the side and try to keep a distance because it might be considered perverse to accept that simple physical expression from that child, where I was not allowed to take this, so consequently, as the child enters the adult world, this simple physical expression, of a hug, is suppressed, and then there are images all over this planet suggesting sexuality, so this simply physical “thank you for being here” expression, of a “touching base with the environment – so to speak- as animals do” is not allowed, is suppressed, is shut down, is denied, and then associated with sex, thus a perverse sexuality is developed, where this natural desire to physically simply show affection is not allowed, and then directed within and through prepubescent children wearing underwear and being half naked on a picture on the street and in magazines and in pop music, where sensuality is “ pressed into” an idea of “fucking innosense” – miss spelling intended.
So, the real crime here, is to not allow children this natural expression, and to associate this with the act of fucking, to stop this natural sensual touching/interacting with another, a teacher, where the physical self simply “hugs” and then moves on. This is shut down, and then in the third grade this happens no more, the distance has been built. the sensual shut down, having been labeled as dirty, as unacceptable, because the minds of the adults all around are associating this with pornographic sex. As the adults are actually suppressing their own sensuality, as they learned as children, always thinking that physical affection means sex – as that ad of a naked girl barely past 14 is plastered all over the street, and the magazines, rendering the natural expression as being sensual, as being in sense with the environment, is considered dirty. I mean what the fuck, the perversion here is not the child expressing themselves, the perversion is the adult suggesting a need to disallow this natural interaction because it is suggestive of sex. It is an act of impulsing, of directing through suggestion. it is an act of shuting down common sense. Unacceptable. That which enables a child to see this world, is that which is shut down.
So, within myself, this was shut down as well, which I accepted and allowed.
It is not that that telling a story is bad, it is the story being told again and again through the suggestive imagery placed on this world, where the story telling is a protection and defense of the system, this hierarchy of more than and less than. What if the story were of how this actual physical world functions? What if the stories, as pictures placed on this world, were of how this world works? Where common sense were what was the story told? TIme to stop the distortion of reality, and see this actual physical world.
I mean if pictures can influence us to the extent that what is pictured in this planet, as any investigation into advertising will do, then the MO to clean up the abuse on this earth is to change the information and knowledge into and as pictures and words that support and consider all life. It really is that simple. And all it takes is the same hands that placed the existent pictures!
The Century of Self : Part 1 Happiness Machines
The Power Principle
Human Resources: Social Engineering in the 20th Century
Catastroika – Greek Documentary
The Marketing of Madness