2012 Reviewing my own life.

Yesterday, and other days, especially around Christmas, while in a store, I hear the music. It is always blasting. Mostly love songs, a litany of regret and longing and hoping. Perpetually filling the space of life within shops and stores. Last fall, working in someone’s house, the radio was on, the syrup of love, longing for love everywhere. A wallowing and basking in emotion and feeling, in memories, in the past. The devil and the angel on our shoulders, an existence of energetic idols based on a collection of values placed as beliefs, opinions and ideas, directing as wants needs and desires imaged as stances of proper behavior all and each a diversion from being, simply being life here. A baggage of believed support but actual clinging in fear, as lostness into tradition and habit, chasing an exterior object as mirage as self definition when self is that which has built this drama of chasing the seeking of balance, where the separation is the thing happening by the very act of belief in needing to chase/to grab/to fix/ to hold/ to cloak/ to personify/ to emulate. The value is being, here. None of this “chasing” need be. Being does not need this.
What if the music in the stores supported being instead of perpetual crying for some kind of union? What if the music in the supermarkets was an expression of being, an aid in discovering being instead of a device used to continue an impossible dream? The outer world is a mirror image of our separation from life, it has become a broadcast of what we allow ourselves to exist as. If we are longing for something than we believe something is lacking and thus we become a crier for this perceived lack. This obviously is separation from being. This is a mirage, so insane because we are that substance that is diverted into that which we chase, that which we cry for. So, we, as the music in the shops and stores, are one and equal to this separation, we are crying and we are longing and thus, we are a vacuum cleaner in reverse, expelling the very substance and expression of ourselves as life into a mirage as a drama of desire want and need, as a collection of belief, ideas and opinions and our personalities are the personification of this.
It starts in the womb, as what is broadcast in the supermarkets reaches all the way down into the womb.
When my children were in my womb, I was performing with an orchestra that specialized in modern music. A lot of huge sound, and “eerie” sounds. Many of the pieces were political statements, that were actually imitations of war and discord. A lot of “discordant” sound, walls of it, but this was the point. Way down in my womb was a baby. I can’t even imagine what was going on. I went on tour while I was eight months pregnant to Koln. The bus ride was hell, I could not get comfortable as my belly was huge and the seats were not comfortable.
Now that my sons are young men I wonder if this has had an effect on their behaviors. My one son is very disciplined and accomplishing. He works hard and takes care of his money. But he runs from change and fear. When I told him his father was dead, he put his hands on his ears and ran away into his room as though he did not want to know. He was nine.
My other son stood and stared at me, eyes big, asking questions. This younger son cannot sleep in a bed without twisting all the covers. He has ripped many sheets. He also has managed to put a crack in every door, and will take objects apart and or simply destroy them. The day he was born he picked his head up and looked around the room. He was not a baby that smiled, he always looked serious. His drive when he was young, was intense. He could weave and kick a soccer ball with such directiveness he won many many games. When we came to America, the American children were afraid of the way he could kick the ball, they said it was too strong. Now, he tries to make everyone a friend but that intensity comes out.
With both my sons I feel that there is such a mess of fear I don’t even know where to begin.
Neither of my children have girlfriends. Nor do I have a “boyfriend.” I wonder, have my children picked up my aversion to this? In my twenties I did not really want a boyfriend.
When I was in high school my close relationship with my twin sister ended. We had done everything together, our friends were for the most part the same. It was like my twin sister and I were one, it was us and a friend. We had one childhood friend and it was like me against them. My twin sister was always smiling, even in baby pictures she was always a smile. I did not smile, I remember one baby picture of my self, I was “consternation”, a furrowed brow. It is like I am still this, a furrowed brow. I should be called “furrowed brow” and not Rebecca.
A perpetual “what the fuck” is me. lol
My children are me, they are an imitation of my behaviors as this is all that was presented as guide. I can become reactive and angry, fearing, not knowing how to face or direct within what exists because I looked without for direction instead of learning to direct my self as self as life, not having been taught that I am one and equal as the substance of life as what is here. Also a sense that somehow, a relationship is a huge burden, as relationships exist, a syrup caught up in, something that is life drowning and not being able to breath, trying desperately to keep in touch with a steady something. My children have been given no direction in this because they have not been shown this.
I started a relationship with someone a couple of years ago, they came along an I went with it. There was a point within this relationship where each accepted the other, but, and I had expressed this, I feared the trap of it, I distrusted the other because I feared being told what I should be incessantly, which means I feared being my self, standing firm as my self, I did not trust my self and this is my regret.
Within this, I also have guilt, for my children and this responsibility I placed on another for what I am self responsible for, as the being of my self as life. I placed values as what I was onto something separate from me. I cannot be responsible for the behaviors of my children or men I have to do with, nor can I blame them for what I fear, for what I allow as abdication of self responsibility as far as my behavior goes.
Within this, I am responsible for what I accept and allow within this world, if I accept and allow self dishonesty meaning being aware of my actions and how they affect this world in support of, or realization of, how the systems of this world work, and I do not stand up and speak about how the present system really works I am being dishonest with this world and thus everything that is of this world. It is my self responsibility to understand why the music that is played in the supermarkets is played, it is my self responsibility to understand what is in the products on the shelves, it is my self responsibility to understand how the words are placed on the labels of the products, it is my self responsibility to understand the very form of what exists as this system, to research and realize what has been accepted and allowed that is unacceptable and to face what behaviors in others who choose not to look, that react in anger to my looking because it means that they will have to look and they choose not to for whatever reasons. To not look is fear, to not see is fear, to not hear is fear. To not realize the syrup that is the sound, that is the words and litany of what the music propagates that is being broadcast every where is being self dishonesty. Self dishonesty hurts life, constricts life within self and within this total existence of life. And this must stop. This system we allow is life constricting, life knotting. It is a notation of constriction, it is fear of being, it is fear of allowing self honesty with self as self is life.
So many times I hid and did not speak up because I was told not to, so I hid behind my sister’s smile, I kept my mouth shut. Even when My sister did some questionable things in high school I kept my mouth shut because I believed I could not tell on my twin sister I had to protect her. Which was my self protecting my self, as I wanted to get along with my peers and I believed this meant acting a certain way to fit in, just as I had abdicated my self response and held it back because I believed I should be like my sister and present a smile to the world, and since I was not this, I hid behind her smile, I actually let everyone admire her and remained quiet, shut my self down, did not speak.
When she left, went into her social crowd in high school I felt alone. This in conjunction with exposure to the turning of girls into objects as the personification of the feminine as woman as what is broadcast all over this world in and as image within advertising, a very limited expression and stifling of what was unique with in these young girls that I watched diminish right before my eyes, I walked away and started to spend time alone. I remember the first couple of times I went to the movies alone. I was scared and felt vulnerable. But I learned to walk places alone. Later I would wonder around Europe alone, and into places in New York city. But I was aware of being alone. It took some time to get used to it. There is nothing “wrong” with being alone.
At Easter dinner, my twin sister still turns everything into happiness and a smile. Everyone enjoys this, and she is very beautiful, even at fifty, she will always be beautiful, my grandmother was this way too, even as a very old women she had admirers. The structure of her face with high cheekbones and a tall thin stature, shapely and not too heavy and not too this and well proportioned, even well into old age is still attractive. Add a smile to this, and everyone wants to be around this.
Meanwhile I squirm and keep my mouth shut. I cannot attack my sister for this. And I cannot speak up. I had this same situation with my husbands family, I was one against three. It feels like there is no way out. I am here still standing behind this not knowing where to go, how to get out.
The problem for me is I see my sister shutting down, I see the sighs behind the smile, I see the acceptance that is the acceptance of society. I see the other side of this smile, I see her crying. It made me so mad that this was happening, and all I could do was stand there and watch this, and all the while the same was happening to my self, as all I was doing was watching this.
I want to read more into this than need be here. My twin sister became a persona as what directed her. It is not a happy face, smile that is wrong – so to speak- it is the masking of herself as this to fit into a “group” as the group is a continuation of the same action as “fitting into”. Neither of these ways as manners are self directed. They are limited and the being of self as selecting cultural icons of behavior instead of self directing within the moment as self as life, and then within this self directing as self as life within the principle as what is best for all. And, within this, it is realized that self directing as self is what is best for all, AND self directing as self as life allows the gamut of expression that is life here. Accepting personas, as directives, is limited and stagnant. It is like sticking a toe in the water, as the water is life, instead of jumping into the water and enjoying the full sensation in and as water.
Inter-dimensionally, the “grid” as the mind consciousness system, is a bill board of our constructed acceptances and allowances as what we have selected as a personification of what we believe will allow us to survive and “fit into” what has been constructed as a world system of inequality that is the very manifestation of a game of survival and competition. Like saying, my billboard is better than yours, like saying, ‘look at how successful my billboard is – look at what riches my billboard has brought me. All limited, constricting and the creation of a world that is actually lacking in varied expression and also- on the flip side- disallowing the unique expression of each of us. This system limits life, and limits expression.
It is not the smile that is bad, it is not the dressing up that is “bad” or “good” it is this done as an outer directive instead of the self as life self directing.
What would it mean if this world were self directed? Could this remodel the very manifestation of life in such ways unfathomable as we currently exist? If earth were a directive as life, as the substance of life instead of as a cheap billboard imitation within a limited system of profit what would this earth become?
Behind this compliance with the persona of my twin sister, where I hid, is fear. The same fear I faced as a feeling of loss when I was a teenager and left the “scene” to be alone. Interesting that within this I first stood up to my mother, I said no and spoke up about something I wanted to do. Was this a moment of self honesty gaining in strength?
My twin sister and I also have this calm. As though we see each other and accept one another, even with our personas. When I am alone with my twin sister this gushing happy face does not exist. We tend to be silent with one another and this is just fine. We also have a very hard time staying angry with one another. I suppose this is what relationship should be, the ability to remain as ease, without wearing and displaying one’s billboard. I do not judge the qualities my sister is, in themselves they are what they are. The details of our personalities as our billboards are all the stories of life and represent the consequences of actions not followed through because of fear and limitation. If I go out with her I “wait” through the drama. Once back in the crib, it will stop, and we all return eventually to the crib. Too bad we have a system where leaving the crib means building a billboard and not learning to direct self as life as all as one as equal.
Our “billboards are the very manifestation of how we hide from our fears, and the present system on earth uses this for the maintenance of a system of profit. Thus, this system of profit must stop as all it is is the maintenance of billboards to hang on a pyramid of limited design, where the earth, the support, is the very substance of this design , that which is a technology that is us able to sustain and allow the expression of self as life as all as one as equal, this means all that is here as life, the plants the animals, the human and the soil.
Thus, starvation, poverty, rape, abuse, inequality is unacceptable. It is stagnant and limited. It is non developmental. It is hell, it is taking heaven and imposing hell. Stand up and support an Equal Money System. Learn what it means to become self honest, to be all as one as equal.
Equality is the quality of life as the value. Time to take down the billboards of personification, to take all the separations back to self, through self forgiveness, writing and corrective application. This is the human becoming an organism of life, only here can one truly experience the orgasm in and as life.
I have never been this have you? And yet, somehow we all know what this means, it is what we look for without, and all the while it is right here within as what we are as self as life.

Life Review


How we got to where we are, to what we have accepted and allowed.
The Story of Atlantis
The greatest billboard builder of all.


About rebeccakarlendalmas

Desteni I Process Equal Life Foundation livingincome.me eqafe.com
This entry was posted in Self Discovery and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to 2012 Reviewing my own life.

  1. Thank you for this Rebecca!

  2. egozzini says:

    Thanks Rebecca, very interesting !

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