Attention- Process Blog Lesson 7
I bite my nails. I also will have coffee during the day.
I sucked my thumb for many years as a child. My right thumb.
It seems that I have this fixation with my mouth. I have even dreamed of spitting water out of my mouth; incessantly spitting water. I had that dream so many times it is like it is here with me.
This oral fixation, what is this?
It is like a grasping/ wanting/ forcing/begging/ clinging, yes, I think clinging. Thumb sucking is a clinging onto something. It is the physical action of my self as holding onto to something. If I need to “cling” I am not present, here.
I even feel like I am leaning over sometimes, and am always wanting to straighten my back as though it feels like it is not standing up straight, but leaning over, falling.
Is clinging a type of falling. Is clinging a wanting of attention, or the pushing of oneself into attending to something, as though one MUST attend, and focus extra hard to “grasp” what is before one?
I stood back and realized this because I stopped having coffee in the middle of the day. And there is was this pull to have coffee, and along with it this nervous “presence” of missing keeping my mouth busy. And I realized that I move from biting my nails, to drinking coffee. In removing my self from my own habits, I notice the physical not having its occupations, not having things to attend to.
Last night I wanted to watch a movie. Anything to replace wanting to have some coffee, I was simply replacing one attention scenario for another. It all made me aware of how much I am “attending to things” without any real awareness of the habits of my physical body.
Once something like this becomes so obvious, there is really nothing else to do but take the steps to stop.
Playing the violin involves relaxing within and as self – so to speak. I cannot “grasp” the bow as in forced holding, it has to “float with”, it is like a not-contact-effortless-balance. Most of the time I try to achieve this when I play, sometimes warming the fingers up is to get to this point. Everything is relaxed and mutable physically, as thought there is eventually no “correct “ position, there is being aware of the instrument and moving with it as it, which means the body is relaxed and mutable.
So if I am clinging/grasping/biting/ sucking/ sipping/ with my self in various ways them I am tense and reaching for attention, and thus attending to with force and not being mutable, here and relaxed.
So, attention as self is accepting what is here without judgement. Attending to something with nervousness, or anxiety is worrying about the future. This need of mine to bite my nails, or sip coffee is my self being anxious, wanting to get something done to fulfill a task, or having an idea of an end product to feel that I have secured something that I believe is needed to be secured or a loss will exist.
One is a preoccupation with a belief that in order to survive I must pay attention to certain things and complete them, which in itself is not the problem, it is that I give my attention with expectation and drive that is aggressive and impatient and “pushy” in wanting to “get the thing done”, where this belief in “get the thing done” is backed by fears of in-completion, fear of loss, and insecurity. My insecurity a worry that my attentions are not “strong enough”.
But in having these judgments I separate from the task, thus create anxiety and drive and actually lose my self. My attentions are on values as this system of inequality, where I am aware that unless I finish what needs to be done I will lose.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to give my self as attention in a nervous and anxious manner.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to worry about the future as I attend to a task, as a habit ingrained within and as a behavior of chewing on my finger nails.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that the habit of chewing on my fingernails, is my self nervously attending to a task, and within this realize that worrying about the future in the moment of focusing on a task does not require worry about the future and possible loss in fear I not complete the task.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize how I am physically while completing a task, in and as the behaviors of my physical body, tensing in worry about the future and the possible judgements from others in relation to the task.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become nervous physically in and as the behavior of my human physical body in and as biting my fingernails, or wanting to sip on a cup of coffee, much like when I was young and sucked on my thumb, where I attend my self to a task in a manner of forcing my self through the task, or seeing the task as separate from me, instead of realizing that what is before me is me and can be walked through step by step here, where the future is not here in the moment and thus simply accepting the task for what it is and not an indicator of the future.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become apprehensive about a task, about taking care of paper work and tasks that need to be done a little bit every day to develop my skills, like typing and vocabulary.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to divide my attention into apprehension of the future instead of remaining here in breath.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to apprehend outcome and thus separate the focus of my self in and as breath here into and as physical anxiety about the future.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to approach a task with judgement according to the expectations in and as a belief as to how something should be attended to instead of using my self as common sense.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to include the fear of making a mistake in and as the attention of my self , which is my self apprehensive of the future instead of focusing here as my self with out forcing completion or focusing as hope and expectation of outcome before I have even finished or even looked at what I am attending to.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to cling to an idea of how a task should be done instead of moving with and as the task in common sense as self here breathing in and as my human physical body and thus being an instrument of life and not a “mind energy generator”.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I need to cling to something, be it my thumb, or a cigarette, or a cup of coffee, or picking at my nails.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have developed habits of “clinging to my self “ in a physical way to center my self here instead of realizing my self as breath, open and here as self as life as presence as breath.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that just as with the violin playing, when and as I attend to a task I must remain “open”, here, relaxed, without the desire to cling to something, like my physical self or a cup of coffee, or my mind, in and as this I will not get lost, I am here, I am breathing.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to, many times when I am watching television or a movie, go into a kind of trance, and then I start biting my nails, or wanting to make coffee.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that this habit of suddenly clinging to something is probably a habit from my childhood, because my one son started biting his nails at a very young age, both my parents pick at their nails with their hands too, so this is something from the behaviors of my family that have been passed down.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not remember when I started doing this.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to become physically apprehensive in and as biting and picking at my finger nails, or rubbing my hands together.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to have this feeling of urgency when approaching a task.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to allow my mind to be a diversion from here.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I must always have an emotional connection to what is here, be it another person or what I am giving my attention to, not realizing that the mind in separation, by nature lacking in trust, clinging to what is here, especially clinging to other people, instead of remaining here as self in self trust physically trusting this physical world as being life here, this conditioning of ignoring this physical world so consuming that the separation in and as the mind as energy is extremely dominant, where the difference is an absence of trust for the physical, when the physical is in this moment what is constant and not the thoughts , emotions, and feelings in and as the mind.
I realize that in biting my nails I am separate from my self and fulfilling what I am attending to in relation to how what I am doing is “supposed to be done” according to the dictates of an outside source/system and thus become apprehensive in following the dictates from without instead of remaining here in common sense focusing on the task, or movie as my self here centered in breath here.
I realize that when I bite my nails of desire the ritual of making coffee and then having the cup to hold, to cling to, I am probably no longer here and seeking something to hold onto as I exist in and as my mind.
I realize that this nervous physical “agitative” action in and as my hands, which even occurs with my sisters and brother, has been a behavior passed onto me by my family and when my father does this he becomes very agitated and apprehensive, and if I look at my self I am the same and it is like I am looking for an answer in and as my mind and cannot find it.
I realize that none of these behaviors are my self here , centered in and as breath here in common sense, accepting what is here unconditionally with out apprehension.
I realize my human physical body shows me my separations through its behavior.
I realize that biting my nails is clinging to my mind for answers or hoping for validation, and thus separation from my self here as common sense in and as breath.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to be apprehensive of the future, and thus I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to be in fear of judgment.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to automatically assume conflict.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that in common sense there is constructive guidance, and there is petty criticism, the former being helpful and the latter needing no attention.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to connect the completing of a task to apprehension and fear of the future , expecting judgement instead of remaining here.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to define attention to a task as a burden.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear loss and thus I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my own fear.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to connect the fear of a miss take to the completion of a task.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to connect apprehension to the completion of a task.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to assume conflict in the future in relation to focusing on a task.
When and as I find my self biting my fingernails I stop and I breath and I center my self in and as breath here, realizing that there are no answers in and as the mind, there is simply here, my self here.
When and as I find my self biting my nails I stop and I breath and I stand in breath in common sense, centered in and as my self here realizing there is not need to apprehend, to assume ensuing conflict in and as fear of the future as fear of loss, I am here, breathing, able to speak in and the directive of the principle of oneness and equality , the principle of loving your neighbor as yourself here.
When and as I find my self biting my nails, or desiring a cup of coffee I stand, I breath, I bring my self here, away from clinging to searching for answers in and as my mind in a state of apprehension of possible conflict or incomplete understanding within a task and I realize that there is only here, breathing, in common sense.
When and as I find my self biting my nails I stop, I breath, I bring my self here in and as breath and I stand in common sense in and as breath here, as this is physically being here and not in separation in and as attention to my mind in and as apprehensive judgement of possible conflict in and as loss, where the loss is the self in the future judging possible outcomes.
When and as I find my self “ leaning my self forward” physically, I stop, I breath, I bring my self here, back to the physical, I trust, here, as my self, as this physical world, as my physical body, here, breathing, realizing that this physical world, as my self, is what is real, is simply here as what is real and what ever is of the mind creates this subtle movement of “leaning towards”, of losing trust from what is real, here, as attention has been trained to cling emotionally instead of being one and equal to this physical world, thus in every moment, what is here is to be with and as in self trust in and as the physical, in and as and with as breath here, removed from the mind as attention with expectation, apprehension – which is prognostication of doom and gloom – which is all the mind can do by the nature of its perpetual need for resource acquisition much like the action of this world at the moment, clinging so desperately to consumption of resource in fear of loss there is no trust of this physical world. This is the nature of the mind.
Allocation point: morality, obligation, justification, survival
Dictionary definition: Notice taken of someone or something. A person’s interest in someone or something. “ sentence- He drew attention…, He turned his attention…”
Sounding: attend I on, I place my eye on. Focus. What I focus on.
Redefinition: to focus on something.
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