Blog 3 Lesson 6
“The first time I remember anger was in Kindergarten, or a short time before this. I must have been very small because I fell on a tricycle, and a tricycle is not very big. I was going to show my father something, or get his attention and he was talking to my younger sister. What I remember is that suddenly he pushed me away and I fell on the tricycle. I remember him being annoyed and pushing me away. Then I was seeing the ground and feeling humiliated. From here I stormed off in a rage, I was mad, really mad. I have a huge moon scar on the big toe of my right foot from this incident. “ Was this the introduction into human I nation? I don’t remember too many thoughts before this but this one I return to again and again.
I have a memory of walking up to my kindergarten teacher in indignation and asking her to pick me to wake up the children.
I have a memory of getting mad at a landlord for not returning a month’s rent when I left the apartment.
The most recent bout of anger, as injustice, was while reading a book on economic practices.
Any injustice I read about, or experience directly makes me really angry.
Even today, while I was paying the violin, I could see how anger and frustration with actual “doing” caused to much delay and separation and I ended up blaming my self as being incapable, and then the fear of what others would think as there was also pressure to perform through the system and the politics involved where one was eliminated when one did not do the proper events. Eventually, this all came to a head and I rebelled, but I went back and kept going, hating the fear, and trying to find focus through all of this, which over a long period of time I began to do, realizing that the rebellion was of my own doing in allowing the system to pressure me.
This is not to say the system was absolutely correct, learning pieces of music one after the other was like assembly line work, something was un-nurturing here, everyone sought fame for money and the teachers wanted recognition through students exacerbating careful nurture of actual self expression development. As far as playing the violin I do not think I want to be within the system. One famous player I knew, who never became a professor and remained a free lance player, told me to not go into the system and to find other ways to make money to supplement playing. Obviously, I listened to him. Despite this, I still have feelings of failure because I am not the “poster child” of violin fame. Which is ridiculous because I know a extremely competent violinist who has performed through the world and pianist who never became famous. One married a wealthy man, and the other teaches, they found a way to make money in “other ways”. The nature of the system only wants money directed to paying for resources that are able to be owned by one entity, and self expression on an individual basis is not something to be owned, and one can only make money in this system if few individuals are promoted and owned.
I remember performing one time when I was younger. This is a memory that has come up as I write. I am there performing and I am aware that I am following the structure of how I am supposed to play, but within me as me is this sea of expression that is not being “let into” what it is that I am doing. Like I am so afraid to let this out. My playing is separate from me. Then this thought that if I let this out I will be consumed. What I think here is this expression has a sensual ability that is vast, and this structure it is placed into is teeny tiny, and the ability of this physical world to express this vast expression is way beyond what actually exists. That is what I remember now from this memory. But the wall of fear! Seemingly so big. I had thought that if I let this out I will be consumed. What a weird thought, but I believed this at the time. Here I was blaming my self, as though I was doing this. Well I was by allowing this.
I feel like I have been trying to fix things for for so long that I don’t know my self anymore.
I still play the violin trying to reach that point, even though I stopped for six years because i had gone back to school and had two children to raise.
I just faced a situation where I tried to explain what was going on in this world to someone and they completely rejected what I was saying. I had spent some time with them. And what information I tried to share with them, that was rejected, was not followed or even looked into. They are in a situation that is horrific and they are choosing the system. They’re son is going through Chemotherapy for a second time. I want to blame my self, as though I somehow did not speak the right words, convey the information in a way that made sense.
And it is not like I did not step outside the box, because I did, I followed some practices that were very effective for pain and they worked. None of my friends would try them, even when I said I had done it and it worked. They could not do something that was not proscribed by a doctor, but could be understood using simple common sense.
This conflict of knowing something is wrong, for a long time, and then researching and finding others who also work towards correcting what is obviously not working, and then standing up and speaking about it to only be shunned is what is actually happening and it not my ability to speak up.
But this time I did not get so angry, I had written the forgiveness out below, and I did notice a flicker of anger and spite etc. but I did not become so angry. Anger is not a solution, it will not stop a child from starving. Righteousness does not “right” the world. In common sense if what is here is not creating absolute value as what this earth is in capacity then it needs to be questioned and directed towards this no matter what.
So, anger is a lack of ability to express a common sense that there is no common sense, and common sense is the tenure of life, or life would not exist, which is exactly what is happening on this earth, slowly but surely, life is ceasing to exist.
Anyway, the memory of that “sea” of expression under my fear! How does that come to be HERE?
The thought is “ how could you” to so many things.
The trigger is being judged and becoming fixed on that judgement.
The type of thought is fear of loss.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to fear losing.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that something can be lost, when the loss is merely separation into the mind as limited belief, as ignorance of a gentle inclusion of what is here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that the acceptance of separation in any form, shape or manner is will lead to humiliation and thus blame and leave one searching for the corrective action as an expression of life as been ignored and will exist, so this expression will be sought, that which has been ignored, until it is realized and shared/expressed/forgiven.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to realize that con-fliction is an affliction of ignorance and eluding of an expression of life as all as one as equal, a dis-use of what is here to become a full expression in and as life here.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to become humiliated which is my self allowing and accepting the behavior of ignorance and not the behavior of gentle, non judgmental, and welcome of what is actually here as life as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that the non movement in and as belief indicates failure.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to label an action of non acceptance of what is here as less than my self here, and within this to not react or disallow the expression of a belief, but to merely ( meer/ocean) see it as part of what is here that does not share itself as life with the horizon as the horizon is what is here.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that life does not want expression, which is what belief actually is.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear belief.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe I have to get this blog done, which means i have just become my mind and I will the limitation of the mind and not life.
I am here, here, here, breathing, here
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to ascend into mind away from here as common sense , where I become irritated and humiliated and begin to blame and become anxious and separate from what is here as I follow ideas opinions and beliefs, these idea, opinions and beliefs separations, indicators of separation.
I am here.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to become humiliated and to then go into anger in separation from myself here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize in every moment that anger is fear of loss, is inferiority, is a belief in lack, is ignorance of what is here, and ignorance of my self as life as the capacity as life to direct in gentleness as acceptance as awareness, as common sense of what is here as life one and equal, a tool, a gift in and as being and breathing an expression of life one and equal here.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to feel humiliated as reaction to the actions of others
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to loose trust in my self in contemplating a re=evaluation of my own behavior as a belief in a judgement as self from mind that I have somehow not realized something and the fault of the outcome is my own, when the fault is the absence of an acceptance in and as life here, 360 degrees, the loss of self trust as life, as trust in self as life as self trust, as actualizing the corrective behavior of self as life in absolute common sense as self in trust of life here.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that humiliation is the acceptance of outcome as fixed and not an expression of life here, where there is nothing and no one to blame there is only the realization that all life must be included in every moment as what is best for all.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize the feeling of humiliation as an indicator of separation.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to connect a feeling of loss and failure to anger and humiliation.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to connect anger to belief within and without.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to connect humiliation to the action of belief as rejection.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to connect a feeling of humiliation, to allow a feeling of humiliation to be my self here in the confrontation of a belief, opinion and idea.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to allow a subsequent feeling of anger to humiliation.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to follow the con-sequences of the mind as thought as belief into feeling and emotion in and as humiliation and anger.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to allow the consequences of the mind.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting the subsequent emotions and feelings of and as a reaction to continued thought as belief, opinion and idea.
The word; is anger – and humiliation -, compliance -,+.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to have a negative connotation to the word anger.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear my own anger.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to exist as uncontrolable-suppressed anger.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to connect a negative connotation to humiliation.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to define humiliation within fear and thus I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to fear my own fear.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to connect a negative connotation to compliance.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to connect a positive connotation to compliance.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define compliance within self expression.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I must direct my self as compliance in and as a system in and as my mind.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that compliance is self expression in and as life as the principle of oneness in equality.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to become confused within and as compliance to and as the mind.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to connect self suppression to compliance.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to have a thought that allowing a sea of expression out from my self will cause others to attack me.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to feel that, within a memory from my past, that I am unable, or not using, a sea of expression under the limited performance of my self here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that I will be raped should I allow my self to become the sensuality of my self in full expression.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to fear the expression of my self and to have a thought that I will be hounded and followed and not left alone.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear the demands made on me, by my father, to perform, and the attention given.
Anger: A strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.
Anger-anchor-fixed anchored to, righteous indignation.
Anger is homage to the MCS, fighting the system anchored within/manifest without as a very limited existence.
Anchor with breath as self, forgive oneself to what is. Anger and fear is the anchor of the system, fear of loss. Anchor oneself as self in gentleness, breath, forgiveness, humbleness
Give this no value, assign no judgement, remove polarity by response as equal and one to and with, correct through allowing/directing/nurturing/accepting as desire for self expression as life.
Disallow the conflict as reaction incites opposition, absent insight, absent breath, absent here.
The ONLY answer is forgiveness. Absolutely.
Humiliation: Make someone feel ashamed and foolish by injuring their dignity and self-respect. Derived from “made humble”. Humble;gentle;breath;here;slow down.
human I nation, I become the nation of the human, separate from self, as self interest, as self religion, as indignation, as hurt, as sudden surprise, a surreptitious rise of energy, the resonance of fear. The human nation is very small, but the self is focused on this, change focus, take back here.
Again, give no value to this word as either “good or bad” take in as self, forgive, accept and allow as movement to and towards what is best for all.
Compliance: The action or fact of complying with a wish or command;meeting rules or standards;the property of a material of undergoing elastic deformation or change in volume when subjected to an applied force, it is equal to the reciprocal of stiffness.
In compliance there is a feeling of “undergoing elastic deformation reciprocal of stiffness” where it is the fear of loss that stiffens and then complies, resistance already a point of limitation and judgement, locking one into the request as the resistance limits because it is a point of judgement. It is not to accept or not accept, it is to simply comply with as what is best for all without rejection or resistance. This is not control, compassion without expectation. Patience without futility. In a way it is acquiescence to what is best for all as the compliance is to what is best for all. This is as much “eternity” as I can fathom at the moment.
Self Corrective Statements:
I realize that all judgement is an act of limitation in self interest, self interest being a fear of loss, within this the question of how someone could do something is answered, and thus is not being here realizing that what is best for all is here in every moment, it is only the perception that limits this insight to what actually exists, so when I “hear” a judgement as perceived by a limited placement of value, as life, onto “only” accepted within the confines of inequality as the object of the form of the system as it exists in this reality I cannot value that judgement with resistance as reaction or fear of self label and that something will be lost, because in essence the system is a producer of loss, so judgements cannot be what I am, nor what anyone is, because what exists does not support life.
When and as I realize I am becoming irritated and angry, I stop I breath, and though I may not know where to go, responding to the judgement in fear of loss will not realize an expression in and as life as what is best for all, as the principle of oneness in equality.
I realize that there is actually nothing to lose, that when all is lost what is left is expression in and as life, and therefore this is all that there is.
When and as I find my self feeling humiliated, I stop I breath, I realize that I can and have lost nothing, that this is only the movement in and as the mind, and all I can be is here, forgiving as what is best for all, within breath here, it will only be from here that expression as all as one as equal will come forth, and this is vast.
I realize that a fear of loss, is a belief that I am a “god” that should be considered, which in and as itself is separation from life, from common sense, from the expression of self as common sense, realizing that life does not reject it expresses, and the expression of life will only ever be what is best for all, as such the fear of the human/ myself to believe something will be lost is not wanting to give something up, which is not accepting the expansion of self as life.
When and as I begin to feel angry , I stop, I breath, I realize I have accepted a limitation of my self as fear of loss and am not here, in breath, allowing my self to transform in common sense of the nature of what exists as being what is best for all.
I realize that throughout my life I was aware of the separation, though through the use of the mind as the placement of thought, emotion and feeling as paramount to common sense, the expression of my self as life was so limited, so stagnant, yet in its infinitesimal existence as mind, the life remained, the tools of expression taught by a limited system, disallowed this expression, yet I accepted and allowed this system as there was not a choice for my self as a young child to see another way, but as the adult to realize this and not to stand up makes this all the more unacceptable, and there are many adults who realize this through common sense, therefor there really is not excuse for common sense in and as what is best for all not to be implemented in the world today, we have the systems, we have the technology, we have the know how, and we realize that no one can own anything, the only restrictions are the thoughts in our heads and the fear in our hearts.
When and as I become angry, I stop, I breath, I realize that I am separate from my self here, I have entered the human nation of my self being a relation of more than and less than, in nominating what exists as separate from me, where I have reacted to the separations of those around me as a personal affront, when in fact, it is the reaction to this that is the responsibility of my self here, and the blame on my self as to the behavior of the mind as what exists is not something I can fix through calling out the name of the action of the mind, here as expression as life , as equality, as a relator of the principle of equality as what is best for all is my self responsibility, my self honesty, in and as breath, here, where the actual expression of life is vast in capacity, only limited in and as the mind, separate from common sense.