Desire – Process Blog

Blog 2 Lesson 6
Desire

I actually had the desire the other day that I wish I could have a baby. There is also a desire to have sex. I did not have such a strong desire for this when my children were here and young but it seems prevalent. I remember my mother saying she obsessed about sex when she began menopause. Is this what is happening? Men-o-pause, a pause from men. But it is also the loss of the opportunity to have children, and as a woman MCS this must be why I have this thought of wanting a child, it is a program, to add one more battery to the world coupled with this ever present desire for sex, as though this is the place where one will find one’s self. Where one needs a relation with a man to exist. This is ignorance of this physical world, because one is here with this physical world and this does necessarily mean one, as a woman, needs a man. This is all belief and not what is actually physically real. Any ideas, beliefs, opinions contrary to this simplicity are entertainments of the mind.
(This is not to deny a “man” or the practical existential validity of sharing life with people and having another person commit to sharing a space as support for each other within how this world functions at the moment.)
And we live in a world where these beliefs , opinions and ideas, are made into just that, move as that, entertainments plastered all around us, in every medium image-able. Television, billboards, magazines, spoken words- as the rebroadcast as us, the human, as imprinted from the day we are born- written words. We have become mimics of the very entertainments that surround us. We exist as the “goods and bads”, the “rights and wrongs”, the “what we are supposed to bes” and not what is actually here in physical common sense.
Yes, I am feminine, yes, I am here, yes, I interact with this physical world. No, I do not need to be pregnant and with a man to be here, no, I do not need to play barbie doll dress up to be here, no, I do not need our entertainment’s idea of a relationship to be here, no, I do not need a baby to validate that I am here.
And, no, I am not alone.
I am here.
Breathing.

The thought as a desire to have a baby as not wanting to face becoming a woman unable to have children, meaning that as a woman I no longer have something to give that ties me to a man. I am expendable and insecure within this society.
The other components of this is that I am probably going into menopause and as a system, fear no longer being a woman that can have children.

There is an emotion of sadness for not being able to have a child, and a feeling that perhaps my life could have turned out differently, which is also a judgement that I believe my life is filled with failures.

This is a topic of desire as a belief that I could have been “more” where a child offers opportunity and a purpose, another way as a belief that a child will mean self discovery. A comparison of my self to whatever “more” is, and a judgement of my self as less than.

There are some memories of when my own children were young and the world was “happy” and involved with the new family members. A new beginning.

This desire to have a baby just popped up as part of a thought of realizing that I am probably beginning to go through menopause.

This is the fear of growing old, of becoming useless, of believing my sexuality is no longer viable.

Words: menopause, woman, inviable

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have the thought that I want to have a baby.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I want to have a baby.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to allow my mind to have a thought that it would be nice to have a baby.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have been thinking in the form of a question as to weather I was going through menopause because of increased sexual desire in the last year.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that menopause means that I will have increased sexual desire because my mother had this.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that in allowing my self to think about menopause I am looking at this period of time as my self as woman within the structure of this society and viewing this period through the “lens” of the mind in relation to the role of my self as woman and therefor the associations inherent within the construct of our society would move in tandem with values placed on women within a limited accepted value of woman in and as an object that produces heirs and future workers, and/or is only valued for sexual satisfaction in and as an energetic orgasm.
I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to immediately stop the emotions of sadness as a thought that I am now getting older and therefor useless within the limited values of the present system that objectifies woman.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to also have a feeling of relief that perhaps I will no longer desire a man.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to to also have the thought that it will be great to not have to think about men or be moved by them in any way whatsoever.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to feel bitter about past relationships where men treated me as an object which I accepted and allowed and therefor was not self responsible in self honesty and allowed myself to be abused, which is actually self abuse.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have allowed my self to be objectified and therefor abused for sex, and within having a feeling of self pity, and also in this emotional/feeling outplay have abused the man by enabling his own ego to exist as what he projected and desired as a woman by his side to hide his own insecurities and feelings of lack in and as an object in and as a man.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that something will be lost as life as my female human physical body no longer is able to produce children
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that in no longer having periods I am no longer feminine.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that something is lost in the changes of my self as a woman from one stage to another within the program of a mind consciousness system.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself fear losing my self.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to connect my self to only being a woman that bears children
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to fear that in losing my ability to bear children means that I am diminished as life.

Emotions and Feelings
“There is an emotion of sadness for not being able to have a child, and a feeling that perhaps my life could have turned out differently, which is also a judgement that I believe my life is filled with failures.”

I connect the emotion of sadness within the context of believing my self to be about to go through menopause because I then look over my life and regret some of outcomes as I relate them to what I expected as I began to live my life within and as a system that conditioned one to have certain expectations. Expectations that this system of debt and money cannot possible offer to everyone by the very nature of the inequality that exists where what is profitable is what is first and life is not considered and cared for in equality.

I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to have a thought of comparison where I believe that I have failed.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I have failed my husband
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that I have failed my children
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I could have done things differently, which is not to say that I could have or should have, it is merely that having such a thought after the fact is not being here in and as what is here in this moment, which means that these thoughts are of the mind and only causing separation from here, this being the act, as thought within and as the mind, absent of common sense, that caused the product as outcome that has a consideration that something more could have, or should have been done in the past,
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have an emotion that something is lost because I can no longer have babies.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to believe that it is sad that one can not have a baby.
I forgive myself for having allowed my self to believe that I am an object in and as a feminine woman meant to bear children, required to provide such a service for the continuation of a family.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to ignore the expression of life without judgement or comparison.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge older people as no longer viable productive citizens.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to think of old women as useless.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to believe that the older women around me who can no longer bear children have no value, when I judge my self as this so do I judge others.
I forgive myself for not realizing that when I judge I am being judgement and thus am no longer aware of life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to connect bearing children as all there is to life
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to connect sadness to “going through menopause”.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to connect sadness to being feminine
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to connect menopause to femininity.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to connect menopause and ideas and beliefs that my past is filled with failure to my self.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to place value on being a woman that bears children
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to connect sadness to not being able to have children.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to connect sadness to the actions of my past.
i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself believe that because I am going through menopause my life has no more possibility.

Words:menopause, woman, inviable
The word menopause has a positive and a negative connotation.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to give, in and as a belief and idea and opinion within the values of the mind/culture within which I live, a negative and/or positive value within and as the word and sound as the word of menopause.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to connect the the word menopause to loss of my self as having value, which is my self as a limited insight in and as the mind within the present system on this earth , as being the values of this system only, in ignorance of my self as a feminine expression of life equal and one to life here.
I forgive my self for not allowing and accepting my self to not judge the transformation of my self from a bearer of children to no longer being able to bear children as being s situation to be judged as more than or less than.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to have the thought that I will no longer have to deal with the sexual energies inherent to ensure the production of children into and as the system as it currently exists on this earth.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that what is dictated by society as being of value determines the expression of my self here as life, where within this system there are many things many older women beyond a state of fertility are able to participate within and as and become very supportive in changing the system towards what is best for all.
Woman, –
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to see being a woman as negative as a woman has limited choices within this system, even where woman are paid less for their efforts in relation to men, because woman are expected to eventually join with a man for financial support.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self as a woman to feel that sex with a man is always about the man, and there is no consideration for the woman, where if the man considers the woman he does so flippantly as a recourse for his own physical desires in and as being a man.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not really want to deal with sex because I am sick of it being so un satisfying as the man never really is present and only focused on himself, even in conversation, where there is never any real discussion and only ego centric story telling to validate the man, and the woman is supposed to uphold this, and it is really boring.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to project this attitude onto all men, where perhaps there are men that are not like this, but in all practical common sense more likely there is not, but this is the present system and not necessarily what a man is in his capacity to be an expression in and as life, where the man, is actually wanting to be this, but is locked into and as his mind that it takes an effort to walk out of this “mind set” and very few will probably be able to do this, and the ones who do will probably go with women younger than my self, as they all seem to be doing, and I don’t blame them because i would probably do the same but in actuality, were men becoming themselves they would not be choosing only younger woman.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that being my self is not contingent on how old I am or what my options are, so the judgements I listed in the previous sentence are irrelevant.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to allow my self to let any thought about men and how they presently are, and the reasons for their choices to be a thought in and as my mind, as none of this is my self here as life in self expression.
I forgive myself for not allowing and accepting my self to simply realize my self as life, here in breath, in this moment here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not realize that one can only fuck so many times, and thus ultimately feeling that something is lost in being sex-less is pointless.
inviable: –
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that not being able to have babies means I am inviable.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to think of my self as a form of life as inviable, which is total non awareness of life in self honesty as all as one as equal and so obviously an idea in and as the mind within a limited perception of this total physical world.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear what is outside of the mind, where I cannot even realize and see this physical world in totality as I am believing a limited idea in and as my self as a woman.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to ignore the nature of life as an eternal expression, where there really is no “inviable” existence, thus to see my self as inviable is to ignore what is real.
Thus I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to give a negative connotation to the word woman.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to connect fear of loss to menopause.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to define menopause within fear and thus I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear my own fear,
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to connect fear of loss to the being of my self as a woman entering menopause.
i forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define menopause within fear and thus I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear my own fear.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting myself to connect fear of loss to woman.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to define woman within fear and thus I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear my own fear.

Word re-definitions:
menopause; the ceasing of menstruation.
men-0-pause, the ceasing of mens-true-nation…as mind.
Perhaps this is why woman have been stoned, burned, hung, throughout history, when they reach the age of seeing mens-true-nature, they become antagonistic towards the system, they become the old woman in the fairy tales, the “witch woman” who tries to stop the young maiden fro falling into the trap of the role play of a woman as sex server, or baby maker. Where the “good woman” becomes the fairy “god” mother. So the old woman in the woods, and the fairy god mother is our future selves within the role play of the present system dictated by the mind as a mind consciousness system, the halo effect. Within this I am neither the limitation of the wicked old woman, or the fairy god mother, I am life where as life, my expression is as all as one as equal as the principle of oneness in equality. So this pause from “men’s true nation” is the seeing of the system objectively and the realization of my self as life as all as one as equal, as what is eternal.
Woman; The adult human female.
Within and as menopause, the “wo” as the “womb” is shed, thus I transform into and as a man, away from being human, as men are human. I become a man without a mind, this hu(ge) desire for the company of a mind as I become my self with the tools of writing, self forgiveness and corrective application. Here I am man. I live what is best for all as all as one as equal , here in breath and I direct my self without self blame, self reminiscence of past choices, as what led to these choices was within and as a system as mind and not my self here as life.
I become a man, and not a reactive survivalist bitter “old woman in the woods, or “fairy god mother” as the polarity of the roles as determined by the MCS within and as this world system of profit, I become my self as life as all as one as equal here. I have been as a woman, now I am a man able to be an expression of life, eternally one and equal as life as I have walked one transformation and so can continue within and as this natural expression in and as life as the nature of life.
inviable: in viable, viable is capable of working successfully, to germinate.
I am within being viable meaning i am capable of working successfully and germinating what is best for all as self. I forgive myself to walking the steps to and towards what is viable as an expression of life within and as the system, here, equal and one. I no longer germinate babies I germinate life by cleaning up what limits the generation of life for the children to come as an expression of themselves as all as one as equal, as I forgive my self to life and stop the mind to generate life expression and not mind expression. here inviable becomes one with life as an eternal expression as life. I relinquish fear through breath and forgiveness and stand as life as all as one as equal having/working towards/becoming/being the only choice which is all as one as equal as life here.

Self corrective statements:
I realize that any thought that comes up in judgement of my self as a woman according to the present patriarchal system on this earth is of the mind, limited and noninclusive of all the expressions in and as life here.
When and as I notice a thought in relation to this present system in and as my mind I stop and I breath, and I realize that this thought is not who and what I am as life, as this is the program in and as and of the mind in separation from my self here.
I realize that any thought as a “wish” to have a baby is the persona of the mind in and as the role of a woman and therefore not who and what i am as life here.
When and as I have a wish as a thought to have a baby I stop and I breath, and I bring my self back here, into and as this physical human body and I realize my self as man, here equal and one to what is here int his moment.
I realize that these thoughts in and as the mind are in separation from my self here as life, of a limited design disallowing the expression of my self in totality as life, and therefore limiting my insight into and as life here.
When and as I notice a thought in relation to a belief in what is available to my self according to my age here within this system, I stop and I breath and I realize the limitation in and as the mind in separation from life, from oneness in equality here, I do not allow my self to separate my self into and as the mind here, I am life, one and equal, in expression here.

Advertisements

About rebeccakarlendalmas

Desteni I Process Equal Life Foundation livingincome.me eqafe.com
This entry was posted in Self Discovery and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Desire – Process Blog

  1. Anna Brix Thomsen says:

    Awesome self-support blog Rebecca. It would be cool to place it on the forum as it can be of support for others as well.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s