I couldn’t read last night. I couldn’t look into the eyes of a person speaking on a Youtube video. It was as though my eyes could not focus. I was afraid.
And then I remembered being aware of this while performing and playing the violin. This is when I asked, through noticing a contrast between playing in a state of “ease” where playing is easy, and struggling to stay focused while playing – to stay focused in this state of ease where everything was easy.
When practicing like this, from this state of ease, I would find that when I returned to play a piece originally played in this way, I had really learned the piece more than usual. I had a teacher who had said to me that one did not have to practice a lot, meaning hours and hours, but that if one focused correctly, then one would not have to practice endlessly.
So, last night while I was aware of how hard it was to read, I realized that even my eyes had a hard time focusing on the words ( or the face of another – as in the video). I was allowing something, some fear to stew within, some emotion, some worry, some blame, some unresolved obsession, rant, anger, frustration. Until I had followed what it was and cleared it, forgiven my self to it, as it, it would consume me and I would not be able to focus, to be here, to be absolutely here. I would not even remember what the hell I had read. I would have to read it again and again and again and it probably would still not be retained. How can I read something and become aware of it if I am divided within my self? If I am holding onto some belief of having lost something, or not “won” something? If I have not left the past, the past being where i am because I am holding onto something as a belief in judgement? I am divided within my self and I have distorted this reality. No wonder it is hard to read! everything is distorted! How can one even see through this? How can one focus through distortion? Division of self being distortion!
Distortion is like a storm. Think of a storm, a rain storm on a road while one is driving, everything is distorted and it is harder to see the yellow line on the road.
This is me being my mind, being a memory, being unfocused. The illusion that is the fear that I am.
Time to forgive myself to this storm and clear it up, clean it up. As within so without. Clean up this world so that life is not dis-torted, a dis-ort, a dis order in and as life. Distorted, meaning without order, where i have “outed my self from order” from focus, from being life. Here. Breath. Breath. Breath. Clean up my self, forgive my self here. Be. Direct. Forgive.
Forgive the abuse, the perceived abuse, the allowed abuse, the accepted abuse, forgive expectation, forgive desire and want and need, forgive blame and wish, forgive embarrassment and humiliation, forgive these separations and realize the self ability to direct and correct, where the being of self as giving, as forgiving self as life, where self support as what is best for all is the only choice, the inevitable choice.
Is there really any other way to read? to play? to be in every moment?
As long as there is conflict and anxiety within there is war, there is distortion. As long as there is war and starvation and abuse on this earth among the inhabitants here, there is distortion/dis order, there is storm, there is deception of life, there is de-ception, meaning no life. This is unacceptable, this is an unfocused world, which means this is a world of no ease of expression.
There is no stability until all are stable, there is no ease of expression until all have ease of expression, just as I as self as life have no ease of focus until the dis-order of my self is directed and focused absolutely without fear.
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