I am afraid of failing and I cannot be this is a judgement of my self and this world. Nor can I want success. As a thought or idea of this.
I have been paying attention to my back. It is like a barometer for me. I can with effort get it to change its state. It is a balancing act.
Constriction is fear, fear is judgement, judgment is blame for loss, loss is belief, belief is constriction into idea, or an attempt to move, to back up direction of self, but this is separation from the moment and the seeing of all that is here, all of this an act of stopping – so to speak- and wanting something to be “one PRE conceived way”. The moment of PRE conception is fear because the act of thinking as “mapping out” movement is creating a fixed desired outcome that will create friction and “non-flow”, like putting a square peg in a round hole.
Common sense is moving as non-fabrication, as “non-mapping” as the mind, as being one with the whole, as allowing the whole, instead of fabricating the whole into a “square peg” trying to fit into a round (w)hole.
So, I watch my thoughts in tandem with the action of my back. The moment a thought comes up, constriction, I have to breath.
I have memories come up of fevers I had as a child again, this comes up with this. I have to breath, be breath; or constriction. Simple really; breath or constriction. I have a lot of thoughts.I have been trained to have thoughts! The society in which I live idolizes “great thinkers”. We see “great thinkers” as a way to find ourselves, and this is no different than following a god, a spiritual leader or the dictates from some believed higher entity as persona, idea, or belief. It is all separation from self direction as life, as common sense, as sensing the whole without mind fabrication, this fabrication a mapping of space into a square peg that does not fit into a round (w)hole. In this our whole society is a fabrication, our money system is a fabrication, a square peg that does not fit into this “round (w)hole that is earth, that is life, this that gives unconditionally. This system that promotes profit, a pro-fit of more for some and less for others, a fabrication of what is here into limited desire and want. The human is a walking map reader. Just look at the gadgets we have for our cars, GPS systems, mapping systems to direct us, so we no longer use our common sense to know where we are on this earth, to no longer know where north is, where south is. It is a wonder we know what up is!
(Come to think of it, do we know where up is really? ” Up” the idea of “up” is mapping!
As our minds we are “map questing”, we regret things, we want things, we are not being.
A profit system demands ( de mans) through placing a map of desire want and need, broadcasts it and we are mapped out. From birth, our parents are mapped and they “loving” give us their maps, and we learn to constrict ourselves to these maps away from common sense, and we fight and struggle to maintain our common sense, but we must accept the map because the collective is accepting the map, can only read the map and nothing else. Common sense is seen to be falling into the void of the unmapped “grey areas” between the pictures of the roads on the map. ( Interesting- some maps list all the chain restaurants and not the “mom and pop” restaurants. This is the map creators, they have the money to place themselves on the maps, so, just as the map is created and followed, we must follow what is on the map) The irony is that all of this is a fabrication that can be used to model common sense, that can be used to support life, all that is here equally. Common sense.
Recently, I had some new ager write about “discarnate”entities- something like this- being guides and this physical world was a place where we learned lessons, so that we could go to a place of equality. OK. Of course, this cannot be equality because equality means everything is equal, so “equality” cannot be “there” and not “not be here”. Common sense. In the end they told me that I did not grasp the “knowledge of the tree” and should not teach. This was a mapped out conversation, that lead to this “tree” statement. I could speak until I was blue in the face and because my words were “not of the map” I would not be heard.
Another person said that I was unfortunately not able. Yes, I have been struggling with “success and failure”. I was doing forgiveness on this, and I had to stop because I became so heavy with tiredness I actually almost fell on this computer into sleep. This has happened to me before, but this time it was really strong. ( How can words create an intense state of tiredness- ever ask yourself this? What is that? (I guess the map does not want to be removed!)
System shut down, warning, program trying to delete! WARNING! SHUT DOWN.
So, the memories of the fevers, very high fevers I had as a child. Dangerously high fevers. The memory is not a picture, it is remembering, as though I am there, as that is here, no picture, the weight of something there above me. I remember trying to escape the weight. I have had many “wanting to escape weight” sensations. One time I got so sick of this I “went into this” weight thing. And there was nothing there.
So, I realize that the words that have been spoken to me, and my own “map” of belief as success or failure has become a weight, an ominous presence as me. It is here ad I must once again forgive this, and I will probably want to fall asleep. I can feel this coming on now. I have allowed my self to be mapped. Breath is really the key to the map.