Self imposed Burdens

I have to go out and face committees and people. This morning I realized that this becomes a burden for me, I allow it to be a burden. My shoulders feel heavy and it feels like I cannot stand up straight. It feels like the top of me wants to fall over. So, I am making what I am doing , in facing people a burden. I am allowing my self to become overwhelmed with what I am doing. I also noticed another “string” of emotions coming up: fear, anxiety, anger, frustration. Then a desire for wanting to be needed, for sympathy and acknowledgement that I matter, that I care.
The whole feeling of fear of rejection, and failure.
With all this is it any wonder that my shoulders feel heavy? Quite the stew of emotion, quite the storm of bullshit.
There is no need for this.
It has nothing to do with my self moving my self with what is here, it takes judgements of actions, self created/allowed from past actions pertaining to recent activities, and the judgements are based on beliefs of success and failure according to my culture and society. None bear any significance to what I am here, in this moment. I can only take one step at a time and be clear within each step, be directive of my self, in this one step, in the middle of this storm of emotion that I carry, as burden, in this step that is here, in this one breath that is here. None of these judgements based on ideas and beliefs of how I should be will actually direct me here, in this step. All I can do is breath, take what is in front of me, research and LOOK at what is is front of me and move from there. The “there” being here, with actual facts of how things move have to be walked through without judgement, without fear.
I am life , here, being, walking one step at a time, and not this storm of emotion and feelings of desire to run from angst, to run from fear, and the thoughts that spin in my mind are stagnant occupation, and not the occupation of my self as the directive principle of oneness in equality.
No matter of twisted energetic storm can consume me unless I allow it, unless I accept it. In breath I remain as source as self here, dispersing this storm step by step, breath by breath until it is done and the “sky” of my self is clear, with no “backpack” on my shoulder because I am standing as self as life, clear, here, walking and breathing as life.
i forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to separate into this stew of emotion and feeling and thought, where I stop awareness of this one step, this one breath, this one life.
I am here
I am life
I am breath
Fuck this medieval morality play.


About rebeccakarlendalmas

Desteni I Process Equal Life Foundation
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