Self generation as sound.
I have played in orchestras and ensembles my whole life. I have had violin lessons for years, one on one with another human being. My parents drove cars with holes in the floor of the car. One time my father had the breaks on the old car fail. He took a cello string off of the cello, because he was driving us back from Saturday music school, that he was paying for, and used the cello string to fix the car. I don’t remember how long that cello string remained “jerry rigged” as the solution to a car problem.
When playing with a group, big or small one must be aware of the other players. One is taught by teachers as one stands on a stage to do a solo performance, in a practice session, on how one is projecting one’s sound, how one is within one’s stance in why the sound is or is not projecting. Fear can be seen because the presence of fear stops the projection of the sound. The fear has to stop, in oneself, in order for the sound to project. How the “louds” and the “softs” are in their projection once on stage, how the start of a accented note is projected. The concentration of self has to be on this, and not in fear, otherwise the generation of the sound is diminished, is compromised.
Compromised. Com-promise with fear in generating sound limits the sound production. This compromising with fear has happened to me many times. I have had to become aware of this, in practice, and will my self to step beyond it, to stop this in order to generate, as my self, the sound and project that sound outward. When one is standing on stage or sitting in front of a piece of music, the music cannot be played with this fear. I remember in my twenties I had extensive fear in playing. In one recital, I was so tired of this fear, i became really angry with my self in fighting with the fear, that I decided that I hated fear, that I no longer wanted fear in my life, that I was going to find a way to stop this fear. I was so sick of fear and I am still so sick of fucking fear. When it comes I used to imagine I had an inner sword and with this sword I would cut the fear away. I did this for a long time, and it would work many times. My will was there and I would go into this inner fight to stop the fear. I could not generate sound with this fear present. It was totally useless.
In a group I recently played with, the second violin would become fearful and his sound would diminish. He was supported in this but did not like to be told he was fearful. The other musicians would stop, when one has had years of violin lessons, it is a normal thing to realize that the “fear” withiin oneself has to stop in order to generate sound. For musicians, fear is a thing. Some take beta blockers to stop fear. I could never do this, it seemed somehow false to me. But the musicians who take beta blockers talk about how amazing it is to take them and then to perform without any fear. Our society, our culture promotes this. Instead of dealing with fear they create pills to block this. But my teachers taught me that fear was pointless, fear was not the self standing and generating.
When I worked in the schools with children and I sat with them, so much of the time they seemed blocked in fear. Just like performing with a musician in a small group, I could see the fear, or, the stopping of themselves as being able to generate sound, as being able to generate any awareness into what was being presented. And it was like one had to voice what one was attempting to teach many many times to get this into the child, to even get the child to HEAR/here. It got to the point where the “hereness” of the child could be seen, just as the generation of sound requires hereness-complete “hereness” – that which I have had to bring my self to-been trained to do in order to generate sound, where I could actually see if the child was focused as awareness instead of constricted. I was trained in this. One might say, I am a professional in this.
So, if I take my supposed degree and experience in music and I couple this with my degree in education and my degree in reading, one might say that I am more a professional in the generation of sound that someone who had only a degree in teaching, or only a degree in psychology, or a degree in being an administrator. I have degrees and experience in the actual generation of sound.
I write this because I am doing a lecture, a talk. The other day I had a talk with a teacher of 30 years and she kept telling me about the number of degrees she had, the experience with teaching she had. And I am sure, she has experiences that are revealing, but she labeled the children and qualified the children into set standards, she never once talked about children being “sound generators”. To her, children were placed on a map, a developmental map, a set map, a map created by developmental experts who did not take into consideration “sound generation”. If one more professional person asks me, or tells me what the hell they are, with their degrees, if anyone asks me what my qualifications are as I give this lecture I am going to tell them that I am a professional in “sound generation”, that my actual degree and experience is that of sound generation, more than anyone who has degrees in “pushing papers” or degrees in the stages of children in development. I have actually been trained in the generation of sound and to watch for the fear that stops this generation within, and that no other profession actually puts into practice, physical practice and ability to read and control what one is generating , down the the smallest degree, then that of having a fucking degree in violin performance and a degree in reading, in teaching children to read.
So, this is my answer. Any person questioning what the fuck I am saying is going to get this. Any so called “professional” who has not solved the fucking problem of why children are not reading, not able to generate a multitude of sounds, has no authority to question someone who has actually spent their life generating sound and learning to take control of their own ‘blockings” of “sound generation”.
Sound generation requires absolute self focus. It is this focus of self that must be developed and not the placing of a child onto a learned sequence of developmental phase in and as a label, where what is actually happening in this labeling, is the generation of limitation, which is fear and not actual physical self as being directed towards the awareness to generate sound.