Last night in the car I forgave my self for allowing and accepting my self to place the will of my self into a square box where I gave my care to a man, to the idea of my self as a woman obsessed and possessed by the desire for a man, for sex and ultimately for money. A man who wants me to be the a part of the female, a man who wants me to look the part of the female, and man who wants the maid, the barbie doll, the companion, the emotional support, the ego supportive female on his side, this that he wants for the image he has of himself, yet this is not what he wants, and he does not realize this, he does not realize that this will never satisfy him, and for me up comes that desire to be completely submissive to him, that emotion /feeling of submission, all of this here wanting to express, wanting to be the expression of my self here, where my will as life serves a role. I become confused with the mind, this the nature of the mind, the mind telling me that this is the way to nirvana, to god, but because this is a thought this is not the way of the principle of oneness in equality, maybe eventually way down the fucking line, the nature of this limited self created by an idea of death, a fear of change where drugged states hide a fear of movement deciding one state more precious than another, an endless game of polarity- polarity being division- the mind a tool, a weapon, used to conquer the self to follow and lose the nature of self as life, as equal, its essential nature, into following, in submitting to the fears/desires/escap-ades of another. But it does not take a care about all the people in this world who are starving, it does not take a care about the animals in severe abuse, it does not take a care, include a care about the resources of this earth that are here and allowed to be used by the human as support for the fuck up that the human is, the vampire that the human is. Somehow becoming a barbie doll is not the answer, I have seen the young girls lose what is unique about them to become the image and likeness of a model, all self lost in the facade of a mannerism, in the facade of the “perfect” face and body.
Why does the desire for this man occupy my conscious so fucking much, why have I not eliminated this? Why does this continue to consume me here? Why am I continuing to allow this to occupy my mind, I have talked through the desire for enlightenment, for money, for companion ship, for love, my own self doubt, self worth why have I coupled self trust with the desire for this man? I trust that I can change this man, that this man is himself as life as all as one as equal. I know this is there but I have allowed this obsession with this man to exist, I am possessed by the presence of him in and as my mind, it is as though he is always here, this mind consciousness system is always here, and I want it to stop. This mind that is the very persona of a father/god/man and I the woman in contrast. Of course the nature of this egoic system talks to me as from a stance of a patriarch.
I have feelings/emotions of self pity, of doubt in my worth as life as supportive of life as all as one as equal because I have not convinced this man, I did not convince my father, I did not convince Matthew, and in this I became intensely defensive and as this role desired to be told that I am beautiful. All of us are beautiful, something is beautiful in every one of us. The presence of us is beautiful. The life of all that is here is beautiful. The facade is something we judge and compare according to some ideal.
My will as life is divine as the principle inherent by its very nature manifest in the benevolence of this natural world, this earth that supports the human unconditionally, that allow the human to abuse, has allowed the human to abuse, the human that does not deserve this “platform” of being-ness. The human who does not deserve a heaven because this human has allowed untold abuse to exist on this earth as it plays a game of power and control. That nature should come and rid this earth of the human is the only thing this vampire the human deserves, starting with the elite, the ones who drive cars and have food on their tables, who only consider the next object to buy, the west should probably go first, we with the education and the resources to turn this world into a heaven, but we sit and say “ I do my best”.
That I am not physically with a man, that I am here working on finding my self on discovering my self in a process of one step at a time I will get there, that memories and ideas of my interactions with men continue to consume my thoughts will stop, that I have pulled my self away from this is the first step, that I sit here and write this out is another step, that I breath is another step as I take my will and direct the care of my divine will as the principle of oneness inequality where I stop the anger and the bitterness, this war of spite, this war of wanting vindication and retribution from the stance of my self as a role, the female role fighting for ascension in the belief that this is a means to enlightenment but realizing it is an abusive road, a stage play that need not exist, a play set up to wake up life, where the division into free will has stopped the divine will of life, where the principle of equality as what is best for all is life directing itself here as all as one as equal, a sequel of oneness to this mess of division and power grab in separation of awareness of equality, where life moves as one towards unconditional self expression, remembering equality. The movement of self in this physical form as absolute purpose of divine will focused as care for all that exist, self finally taking the power of itself as life in absolute directive principle of oneness in equality here as what is best for all as the being of the loving of one’s neighbor as oneself, be it a speak of dirt beneath one’s feet.
I am here to accelerate the awareness of the allowed and accepted division of my self, of my will that I have allowed into a care of an image as a facade of singular qualities, where satisfaction is never met because it grasps a flat ideal and not the inclusion of all that exists, un seeing in the focus of self into one mentioned quality, so much effort as self resource given in this division, so diminishing, such a state of dis-ease, so obvious yet so habitual, the ripping of oneself from this habit, the change in motion from this stagnant self enough to appear as a massive shift, but is really the power of self as life released and undirected, as yet undirected, unknowing of the application of self as life in absolute purpose as the principle of oneness in equality.
This is my self here fighting to turn the tide of my self towards the principle of oneness in equality, fighting with the habitual, fighting with consciousness, a fight that appears as conflict but is merely the changing of my self, the stopping of my self as division facing the seemingly overwhelming power of my self as life and taking this storm of accepted and allowed habitual limited motion back to my self and redirecting this self, gently, calmly, in humility, with compassion, this power into a divine will, a willing of my self in absolute purpose as the principle of oneness in equality where the awareness of my neighbor as equal to my self, all being life, is the unconditional expression as what is best for all.