In my mind there is constant connection to men, to support from without, to support through the presence from a man or a god or a father. One moves from father as child, to god as young adult to male companion/husband/lover. Some remain with God, become nuns, but always for women there is this connection to a father, or god, or man/male, even another wo-man. Still an emotional connection to another, for support. But this support is from without, and one fears not having such support. These are the voices in my head. Wanting something outside of my self to validate what I am here as, or what I am believing etc. And this is where the stops within my self exist, as I attempt to prove myself here through association with soemthing outside of my self, I have been taught to connect with an image, and the mind it seeks connection to an image, continually, it must to exist, hence the desire for some form of validation from without. Desire is connection to image, image is taken by the mind in every moment to maintain itself. This is why the voices remain, my mind is in full functional swing.
I had a discussion years ago with my father about how the use of imagery, actual pictures with words entertains another step in processing words, so an image comes up with every word, three steps instead of two. But this discussion went no further. It did not go onto consider that a word in itself is an image,even though just processing a word would be faster than image + word.
If we make the mind bigger than ourselves, if we make the associative process bigger than ourselves we can get lost in a point on a grid line. If we use the mind as a tool, and realize how it works, can we make the functioning of the mind as tool smaller than ourselves. Or will the mind eventually be too slow? This memory mind? Is it even necessary. Is the movement of ourselves as sound faster, more able to make the associations as the mind so small we no longer participate.
Follow through, becky, keep going, don’t get stuck here.
This blob of always wanting an outside source to agree, within my self is slowing me down, moving me into forgetfulness of direction in believing I cannot move until someone, or something outside of my self justifies my directive.
But there have been many times I did not have anyone to validate, I had to move on my own. Interesting is that these times were “light” compared to choosing after having someone agree.
In the end all I have is my self, as all as one as equal, using common sense to take a direction.
This is the life of me.
Here is where the fear comes up, a wall of fear, fear the “want of a crutch”, total absence from this physical world, not realizing that the only real directive is the physical. This is what a real “god” would do, offer the means to self direct, dependency ultimately being a burden for both sides of the relation.
If I think about playing the violin, I realize that my awareness of all aspects allows more interplay, I cannot stop and ask the string if it agrees with me, I sense how it works, by its nature, by its expression and move with this. The string remains itself and I remain my self yet we are something together, we are one and equal yet our own expression. When playing in “nonworry” this interplay in equality is so at ease, there is not friction, just direction, just flow.
So, how do I become this as my self here? How do I stop this friction, which we call fear but is really attachment to acknowledgment?
Lately, I have taken any image that comes up and forgiven it, and forgiven what I perceive my attachment to me. These images are not returning, sometime other ones pop up. Now it is like an absence is here and what is left is what I now speak of.
I cannot avoid picking through the details. As much as the “racehorse” that I am sometimes, I must remember to breath and walk the de-tail-ing of this system one step at a time, one breath at a time, one moment at a time.
Stop the system imposed movie in the head through the desteni I process.
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