There is an issue that has been returning within me. So, today I started looking at every possible influence on this issue through out my life. This means words spoken to me- defining me, situations where I “read into” what was happening as being related to this issue, actions of others, and how society pushes the belief/idea/persona of this issue. Any and all things related to this issue, so that I become bigger than it, so that I can stand bigger than it, so that it no longer is something that can become the conscious me, where I am not aware of my self here in the physical as a directive of what is best for all. I have to take this issue and master it-so to speak.
This reminds me of the “dog whisperer”, a series on television that I would watch sometimes, where the dog whisperer would watch the behavior of the dog within the home context, decide what was being accepted and allowed and change the be-have-ior. Stopping what was allowed to be.
So, going back and seeing all the influences that created what I am being in and as my mind, influences from without and from within, from every memory of word, image and event, in every person, place or thing, I can bring here, and forgiving them.
In the process of doing this today I came across another issue. I notice a furrowing of the brow of friends and relations as they grow older when I come across pictures. I have often wondered what created this furrow in the brow. Today, in searching through my past, I discovered my own, suddenly it was there, this mannerism that tells a story, from my past.
It is an accusatory mannered ‘furrow” one of defense that I will have to look into. But I also remembered when I was younger I often didn’t know where i ended and another began. If I spent time with someone with an accent I very quickly picked it up, if someone cried, I would start crying. Then, one time I went to an astrologer, and the first words out of her mouth was that I was a sponge, I picked EVERYTHING up. She said it like it was ridiculous how much of a sponge I was. But she was right in many ways, didn’t really need astrology to know this. I would, often need time to find my self again, and stay home to do this, avoid going out. I have been to something like two rock concerts in my whole life, the second time I fainted, the oppression of the people was so great to me. I felt like I could not breath. I think I hid because I didn’t want to absorb things, I needed a break.
But in looking back today, in searching for the things that developed the issue I was trying to stop the behavior of, I remembered working so hard to stop seeing, to stop looking at things I would see in people so that I could talk and be a part of the banter, the talking, so I could be normal. I had to work really hard at this, to block and to force my self to view the conversation so I could join in, in an acceptable manner, so I could follow without being lost in looking at other things, so I could stop sponging it all up. I had to separate my self.
So, what would I be had I directed through this instead of blocked this? I think I was like someone when they watch TV, I just watched, mouth open in a state of “duh”, absorbing, sponging it all in without any practical means other than blocking and becoming a “respectable person (a), a facade of expected response. Maybe there was a time when I stood up in this, for a moment. And the response from within, that is a memory, is that, “I don’t want to go there again, I don’t want to know”, and I remember not wanting to know, it was too hard and I couldn’t explain it.
It is interesting how one thing leads to another. Now I have to remember the pulling of my self in, when I said to my self over and over again “ don’t look, don’t look”. I have been in survival mode these last years and I had forgotten all about this “past” life. Perhaps it is a part of my anxiety.
Everything that we are is here to be dis-covered, and it is right in front of us, all we need do is look at what we be-have here.
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