Yesterday, I looked at the mind consciousness system and the cycle of reproduction, where the chicken lays the egg and the egg eventually becomes the chicken, and that our society is this, so when asked about human nature, as the defining of which means that it cannot be changed because it is greed and lust and all that is the product of a system that causes what is here as the human to survive and seek escape from survival through pleasures like sex and alcohol and drugs, what has to stop is the society and the nature of the human in a mind that is separate from the physical world. So hard to see because we do not realize the physical world. This “physical” world is used as a battery for the mind, for the present system of survival. I no longer want to be this, merely a battery for the mind consciousness system, the desires and wants and needs and escapes from a mind that answers to a giving itself away to a “god”, a god that fears death, not having realized itself as life, one and equal to all that is here on this planet.
I must transcend this system of survival, and realize the illusion of it. realize that the desires of the mind are not real, are resonant systems that are not the road to unconditional self expression as life as all as one as equal, here.
Every time I have to deal with money I flip into a pattern, like clock work and I want to escape, from the game of survival and I probably have done this for a long time. Even in New York, when I was younger I went out and worked, saved money got my own apartment, survived on my own. But then I met a man and managed to get my self pregnant and the world changed. My mother was happy I was no longer living in Harlem. She didn’t like me living there. I couldn’t explain to her that I wanted to live in the park, I needed the trees, and that this is a spot I could afford that had windows on Central Park, and that in essence, “black” people were the same as us, they felt the same things, they were here. And besides they tented to not have as weird hangups and the “flashers” I had seen in the West Village. I’d rather have soemone try to take somehting from my pocket than some weirdo stick his umbrella into me on a packed subway. At least a pick-pocket could be “stared” down, even as they walked away and yelled at you in their escape- a defense mechanism. There were also drug dealings around me, but somehow they couldn’t touch you unless you allowed yourself to become involved.
My mother would not come and visit me here. The here that I was, she could not deal with.
It is the same now, the place I am, is not the place she is as her world. So, she does not call me and when I call her I am told not to talk because I am indoctrinated, and all my words are imbedded in me.
Really, nothing has changed much in relation to my parents. I am still doing these odd things that place me outside the world of the morals and behaviors that maintain the comforts and fears of my family. And it is the money, the need for money that usually stops me. I couldn’t work the, sometimes 50 or 60 hour weeks and have a baby. There were no woman doing this, I looked around in my world. I had to marry a director, or become a teacher. I had thought about becoming a teacher at that time.
So, this time my mother is down the street, across the town, but we are not talking. I am writing this because she called my son last night, again, and not me. I even found something, I already knew through the absence of news from my other son, that he had not gotten an internship for the summer.
All the people, relative and friends, around me talk of men, of finding a man. Even the man I dated was questioned by an uncle, “can he take care of you?” was the first thing said. It is no wonder I am full of this, it is all that I hear around me.
What is really annoying is that I am not afraid to talk to my parents, what makes it hard is not talking, is not having the chance to talk my way to an understanding of what I am doing. I have to realize that I do not need the opportunity to direct my self through the beliefs of my parents. I do not need the validation. Let it go. Modeling is more effective.
Within my self I have to stop the fear of money. And use my will to direct my self, and use my breath to stop the obsessive, compulsive action of the mind that disassociates me from the actual physical world that is here. From all that I am aware of that is my self here, that is this earth. Simple. Stop the mind and include all that is here. Be all that is here as all as one as equal.
I have to remember that I want to live next to the park.
But as I sit here and write this, I realize that cleansing my self of this mind consciousness system is like cleaning my house. And as Willy said yesterday, which made me laugh, if you need someone to help you, it is like having lost something in your house, and you open a window and start screaming at someone outside your house for help in finding what you, yourself lost or misplaced in your house.
I can just see this, opening a window and asking someone walking by if they know where my misplaced phone is. LMAO. Don’t we have cartoons like that. I mean seriously!
So, I have to stand and clean house. Stop the money worry, stop the actions of my parents, the non action that is an action, and get this house in order. The “disorder” that is the abuse of this world, allowed by the present systems, has to be put in order.
This is the will of life and no mind can stop it.
Error: Twitter did not respond. Please wait a few minutes and refresh this page.