Much of my self criticism comes from the qualities of character and persona laid down by parental guidance that are of the choices I make regarding decision when confronting situations. For example, if I fail, or do not have the outcome wanted or believed to be possible by my parents, a discussion ensues where what should have happened or could have happened is pointed out. As though this might rectify the situation, or teach “stance” for future actions. And a lot of what goes on in my mind is this. As though these conversations are embedded as “the voice” in my head. And the emotions that accompany this are guilt and shame should I go against these voices or not manage to comply and “follow the directives” of the long list of “should haves” and corrected descriptions of character.
And all of this is a kind of superstition, in that I build a presentation of my self as what is proper, what will avoid the situations where the “should have” situation/conversation comes up. And then, one avoids interaction with parents, or at least I have a feeling of not wanting to go through with it- because I really don’t like to avoid my parents for such a thing- that seems silly too- avoidance in not a choice. I should say, a feeling of dread or expected reprimanding, expected analysis and discussion of correction. It is a form of family morals maintenance. It is no wonder some people never go home again ( which is not a solution ).
All of this, this “ superstition” ( which is moving as what one is supposed to be according the voice in the head which is the moral, character , persona, stopping of feeling guilt “things” in relation to parental lessons ), this projection, that is a cloak occupiing my self so that most of the time I am not even really here. I am there in the projection, in the directives, in the “shoulds”.
No wonder I am in the future in my mind so much I am trying desperately to be a good girl and follow mommy and daddy, to follow the superstitions that they followed, to be the projections that occupied them. And we all do this, and if we take one step back and STOP we will see this. Though it might take some time.
Breath is light, breath is here. Breath will make one aware of this, even though actually “catching” and naming these projections might need the help of another to direct and “map” them in such a way that the voice in the head is no longer the “on switch” of the believed projection as directive of self. This is how I can describe the Desteni I Process. This is how I can describe the stopping of oneself as the sheep following the shepherd.