Taxes sent and reconfigured, are the demands of the day. I have been wanting to wrote about my father, and the morality/polarity I exist as within this ( again ). How I allowed my self to follow his mind to survive. It is, as I am, as me, as work in progress.
Another thing is innocence. My son brought this up and now I am noticing this. I wrote something the other day from a point of innocence and I realized in looking to it, that this was self deception. Reminds me of all those “coming of age” novels I read in my late teens and twenties. Young Torless comes to mind. I think that was one of the last ones I read.
But before I go to do my taxes, I wanted to say something quickly about a conversation with my son in the car as we drove to school this morning. My son and I have been doing forgiveness, he is now beginning to see what it does. Yesterday he was angry, was wanting to express frustration and realized out loud to me that he could see how this was not the “vessel” of being, so to speak ( weird word to come up) he wanted to be. ( “Vessels” hold water and we are 90% percent water, a holder of a resonance. )
So in the car this morning he started to do forgiveness and asked me a question. And in the process of answering the question, where I said to him – in my effort to explain – that he has to become bigger than his mind, the self as him must become bigger ( now I realize he asked because he said he kept going into his mind and this was too much to stop ) than his mind, to see his mind as a tool, as back chat, and to breath.
Then I talked about making self corrective statements. But I could not remember the words as an explanation, the words I just used here. I used the words absolute unconditional direction of self as what is best for all, that here was the constant. And I related this to what he does when he draws, when he feels calm and is absolutely focused. That after the forgiveness he needed to self correct choosing a direction where he did not separate from himself into his mind again where he became a polarity. I suggested statements that reminded the actual physical self here. I am here, I am breath, I do not allow my self to become my mind. So, tried to “press” a simple means to begin one action of realizing the mind as something smaller, so to speak, than the self, instead of merely saying to stop the mind. And then to notice where the self as direction as self might begin.
Hope I was successful. My son did stop me at one point and said, wait, I didn’t hear what you said because I was too busy in my mind having terrible thoughts of imagining revenge, could you say that again. ( I thought maybe this is a way to say what I said more clearly so that it is heard….)
Then, as I was driving home, I thought of applying the same thing to my self but with my feelings. Pull my “feelings” back in to a point where they were a directive of what is best for all and not anxiety or fear of longing, or missing, or yearning. It worked in the car. This is “like” making my self bigger than my feelings. A place where I can accept them yet not be as them, where I then direct them.
So, this is a short note. ( really?) for this morning. I have to do my taxes, and forgive my self for making them bigger than me.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to become overwhelmed and anxious about doing my taxes.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe semding my taxes out and reconfiguring for payments is too hard, when the taxes are dome and just need to be sent and printed.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that doing my taxes is scary.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel burdened by the demands of the present government system.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to procrastinate and pace around the house in anxiety about doing my taxes, which just prolongs the whole thing.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that doing taxes is not difficult, I have done them many times.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to make the doing of my taxes bigger than myself.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to worry about money.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to worry about being able to complete my taxes where I am not audited.
I am here
I am breath
I know how to fill out my tax documents
This task is not bigger than my self and is simply a matter of putting in the data and sending it off.