In looking back towards why I desire a man in my life I remembered an incident in 2000. I was sitting at a table outside a restaurant, completely numb because my husband had just died, because I had found him hanging from the rafters, where he had destroyed himself. Sometimes I think he did it to escape the migraine headaches. He did not smell good in the end, something was very wrong and I knew it.
So, this was where I was then, numb. Articles on trauma say that there is a chemical reaction within the body, where one becomes numb to cope with the emotion, with the grief. I am sitting at this table looking out from within a long tunnel. And I realize that all the people speaking are only about themselves, as though there is a drive to suck all into their “world”. It was astonishing to say the least. I thought of this because the man I dated was standing behind me, and I was wondering if this is why there is an emotional connection to him. The whole wanting of comfort thing. But i am not here to talk of this.
I had just returned to America after living in Europe for ten years.
I remember reading an article on culture years ago, that stayed with me-so to speak. It spoke about how cultures distribute “qualities” between men and women. I think it talked speciafically about the Semitic culture, and how they, as the character of the men, have some of the feminine qualities the west allow/affords to women, towards their men. I thought this fascinating that what we are can be distributed in various ways, what we are as persona.
Living in Europe, where manners, cultural manners are somewhat different than the American ones, I was very aware of “qualities” being distributed in different ways. And as I went from America to Europe over the years, I noticed this and sometimes would take a side that one was “better “ than another. But one was not “better” than another, they were merely different. I noticed when in Europe I missed the more “wild” nature of America. when in America, I missed some of the “fine culture” that was more prevalent in Europe in all those old stones piled on top of one another.
Some people in America and in Europe could see this, others rejected the other, almost seem to run from it.
I also related this “manner” we become through our home “nation” to my experience with violin lessons from a very ambitious teacher at a famous music school. The driving and the forcing and the threats should one not move in such a way to elevate the status of the teacher. Where, later, in my twenties, another past student of the school said to me, that all the students of this women could not go beyond a certain point in their development. Yoyo Ma , the cellist, had an interview where he said that the development of children has to be done very carefully or they become lost.
If I apply how we are cloaked in “manner” and “quality” by society and the venues we participate in that are competitive, we will see more of how we exist. The students of this women were “pushed” in such a way that the underlying threat of not doing what was necessary was always present. The drive to do, this guidance, coupled with the fear and threat both grew. The knowledge of playing grew, as well as the fear that was also given, until the fear became so big, progression was impossible at a certain point.
So, this process, this Desteni I Process is this, is looking back and realizing where all the things that block self as expression, started. It is a process of realizing the “manners” and the “qualities”
and the fears that are the forces – the forced upon us and accepted by us – stances/faces/blocks that are not us, yet allowed by us, and stop us from simply being. They are the “forces” that maintain the present system of abuse. They are the “forces” that stop the constant of love and joy that is us as life, as our unconditional self expression.
Self forgiveness, which we manifest via blogging and vlogging, so that all can see, so that all can watch, to realize that there is no general difference between our “cloaked” accepted facades and manners and the one viewing. Self forgiveness removes the monsters of fear that grew with whatever it was we followed and learned through our lives.
Do we want this for the children coming? Do you want this for the children that are here? Do you want the children to be cloaked in fear and cultural manner instead of becoming themselves?
Do you want to remain all the fears and anxieties that worked in tandem with your development? That are now, so big, they begin to consume?
At the very least, suspend your belief and your feelings for a while ( two months it took for me to notice something, and the resistance was VERY STRONG ) and apply self forgiveness for a few months. And come back and tell me if you notice a change, any change. Keep going for a year before you decide. It took many years for the monsters to begin to consume, and this consumption will not magically stop in one month.
Suspend your mind for two months, apply forgiveness and research what is happening in the world. Look to your memories, your words and forgive.Speak forgiveness.
I forgive my self that I have accepted and allowed…….
I know I will see you soon.