The storm within is the storm without. Physically what do I do when in a storm? I either find shelter and wait for the storm to pass or I walk through the storm until the storm is over and/or I reach the end of the storm.
This morning I woke up and was aware, suddenly, of my family “holds” so to speak. These people that are what I am, and all the emotions used to maintain this, these things that I have allowed and accepted and cannot really run from through actively pushing away and/or hiding from. This family construct in a way is a storm, a storm of energy. And yet there are people in this storm, there are also animals in this storm, this storm of illusion, this storm of energy, this storm that sucks life of its consideration of all as one as equal in its mad desire for more, for impetus to maintain itself, to maintain its endless looping.
In facing the storm I face my self, as within so without.
Yesterday, I was in a store and the people were talking about compassion. They were talking about how wonderful compassion was and, in farewells, started to depart from one another using words of having peace and love and joy with them through their day. I asked some questions and these people said they were meditating for these things, to be compassion. So, I asked if their compassion was not consuming them, where this was what they were and not actual change. Yes, they meditated. Another woman was at the check out counter and she piped in about her prayer. In short, their prayer and meditation they could not let go of. We stopped there. And, I walked calmly to the door, but the other woman came to the door and turned back and made a comment about prayer, in a loud voice, a spiteful taunt. I then told her in a firm voice that her prayer would suck her dry. I became the same vindictive, spiteful storm of energy that this woman had become.
If I am here to be the change, to stand as all as one as equal, then in no matter what storm of energy that is here, for whatever reason, I must stand as all as one as equal in every moment and not allow ego within my self to add to the energy/storm that is what moves what is here instead of loving your neighbor as yourself, instead of the expression of one self as all as one as equal.
What brought this to my attention so glaringly, is the “quality” of my family as the words and concerns of my mother returning with a phone call. It was the same song, repeated, the sadness of the world, the reasons, from an American conservative view point as to why the world is the way it is, and the better than, less than illusions of the hierarchy of social order. My mother’s solution to her wayward daughter, who has “ walked away from everything she has been taught” is to , through words of love, tell me she loves me and to bring up past events of shared adventure. I need to re-member my self to and as the energy, in beliefs and ideas and opinions, of my family. This morning this energy, this construct became like a storm descending. And given my reaction yesterday in the store, I will see if I become vindictive and petty and spiteful.
Practically speaking, the view points of this limited, not realizing that the problems so measured and discussed within my family, are only this, a measuring of what is here, with unending blame, but never solutions. Yes, there is discussion of what is needed and usually agreement of honesty and trust between and as all, but this is always stopped as being against human nature. It is an impossibility. Here, any suggestions that this could actually physically be walked, that the resources of this earth could actually physically be shared to provide the basic needs of life for all has not been grasped, the storm of belief is too violent, the habits of thought have too much of a strong hold and blind the seeing of what this physical earth, as physical things could be moved as and placed where all would have enough to stop the abuse that comes with survival in fearing death because there is not enough food on the table, or because there is no hope of anything other than an endless grind of the same action again and again and again.
But , here I am wanting to “become” something. This in itself is a belief, an idea, something I have immediately acknowledged as something to attain, something separate from me that I must look for outside of myself. And there is a truth to this, but I am in a storm, a storm that should I react to, I will only add more to the storm.
Yesterday, had I not reacted in spite, what might have lingered was reflection of my words and not more spite. I had stood up and spoken, that was enough. WHat I had said frightened these people, they were being told to give something up and the idea of this seemed unacceptable. They entered righteousness and active criticism towards my self, which is anger and fear. ( I could have asked them where their “compassion” that was giving them so much love and understanding had gone And where had it gone? if it was the answer, where had it gone? ) I was a reflection of these people. I too had lost compassion, I had lost my own awareness of the storm/energy present and not directed my self as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to react in fear, to feel that I am being judged and will lose something, or have failed, where I become a belief of failure, an emotion of fear of judgement instead of remaining in breath where I let go of judgement, opinion and idea and remain self directed as the principle of oneness in equality.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to react to the fear of loss be it within my self or with out as what is here in a moment as the beliefs of others before my self.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to allow the ego of wanting to be right and desiring immediate proof of my “rightness” to be what is before my self.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize in every moment the direction of my self as all as one as equal, no matter what energetic storm, in and as ideas and beliefs is in the moment present, where I realize that the movement as energy before me is that of energy and need not be feared, where I cannot lose my self as life, where I need not fear being alone because I am life, where the loss of life as my self is my own doing in allowing the matter at hand consume and direct my self here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to become self desired centered, a limitation of the expression of my self as life, where I do not consider the expression of all that is here as life as what is best for all.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I am never alone, yet I am always alone, and it is from this that I stand as life as all as one as equal, as being life, one with and equal to all.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear and react to fear
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to react defensively, where my defensive reaction is my self as fear in believing my self to lose something instead of stopping and breathing and realizing that I am desire for something, some outcome, some expectation, some wanting and needing as a starting point of desire instead of realizing and looking and allowing my self as life as all as one as equal to expand as the awareness of my self as life as all as one as equal and apply forgiveness and breath, or to realize that I am desire and to stabilize my self in breath to stop the confusion with desire at this moment where my mind and fear stop the expansion of my self as life as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not remain humble in every moment.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel guilty and ashamed that I have become spiteful and vindictive and self righteous, and in so doing continued the abuse that exists in this world.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize the extent to which I exist as ego.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not use my will in every moment to remain in breath.
I am here
I stand and stop my self, through breath, to confuse my self with my mind
I breath, and use my will to direct my self as life as all as one as equal, through defensive action and with patience
I am breathing first at foremost, when I feel unstable, as a wave of movement within my self I breath and stabilize myself as breath again and again and again
I stop fear and recognize my self with breath in and as breath as all as one as equal to stop and forgive my self as fear of loss, desire for power and control, and remain humble no matter what the confusion I am allowing my self to exist as.