I feel like I am “losing it” here.
So I am going to put everything down I have been doing within my self, what is happening from my perspective within my self.
I have a fog in my head, that sometimes now seems like blank space. And other times has images and thoughts bombarding my self. Sometimes I realize I am these things and bring my self back.
Then I have massive chills suddenly going up my back. What connection is there I have no idea, and “idea”, something that is the pattern, I have an idea, or thought and I become this, in my slowness, in my habit, and then I am no longer here because I am feeding off the energy of my own thought, my thought I have turned into a “matter” so to speak. SO, no longer am I here as breath, I am the addiction to my own thoughts, feelings, emotions as how I have come to function. I am so accustomed to this “film” watching.
As I write , here, I realize that I am trying to not only realize the doing of this as knowledge and information, in this being my mind and understanding what I am doing through words, I am trying to sense this, to actually delineate this happening through sense.
I feel like I have sudden electrical shocks going through me . Right now I have this really warm thing going through my head, this has happened a couple of times lately. And then I hear that little pride, “getting ahead” voice in my head, it is a little one, can’t stand this one, some are easy to stop in absolute NO, others not, like the sex things.
The sex stuff really annoys me, because there was a time, not so long ago, where I did not have ANY conscious thought of these things. So, that they were not there and now they are here really makes me wonder about them as something that is real, even though they have a pull on me. SInce I dated this man I have had images that I have never ever ever had before, with any awareness in my mind. Were they buried somewhere? I mean, what the fuck! I am getting a handle on them, the “thread” is not so strong, but that vein of desire remains. As long as it is here, I am allowing it and I am “feeding” it. no excuses.
Then there is my back. I have actually done forgiveness to stop thinking about this, as though, maybe I have created an idea of this as what it is and that is why it is here.
So there is this “cool” thing moving up, suddenly, sometimes and then there is something else, that seems to want to climb up but can’t.
And then there are the bones cracking through out my body all the time now. This came in waves before, but now it happens all the time.
My thoughts, ideas and opinions are shepherds, and I then allow my self, like a sheep, to “stick” to that energy and I feed off the “matter” of it. I become sheepish. : ) ( and then this is another fucking thing, in and as an idea, for me to continue the cycle! )
So, yesterday, I lay down and focused on my back, and it was a BITCH to try to find any movement. To try and STOP the constriction. I kept going because I know the first times are the hardest in a way, that “finding” of the loosening of the knot-so to speak, where in ways the physical world here teaches us how we really work within by how the physical works/functions without. Actual, physical knots are hard to loosen, but with the movement of my hand on the knot, most of the time, if i don’t run out of patience, I can loosen a physical knot.
And then I realize that a BIG knot, like this earth and how it presently exists is a BIG knot, that will require A LOT of hands to move.
So, I have to memorize something. I notice that it is “flat” as the mind, and if I move from a more spatial area, like sensing-so to speak, which seems to not be only in my head, where the parts and the whole are visible it is much easier. Even as I read, I am trying to read with this, and it is here, that time seems to slow down. If I read a passage like this, it seems slow to me, but if I look at the timing it ends up being faster than it felt to have been. And I am also, not so aware of the voice of the head as the words that I read.
So, this is what I am doing. Juggling, adding more things to juggle as I juggle, so that all of me is focused as all as one as equal. I guess if I look at it this way, there is no need to despair, I merely pick up the ball I dropped and start again. What is there to cry about in that? It is not about performing this for another, it is about being absolute purpose as life, as all as one as equal, where all are performing together. So much better than having some sheep watching me perform, because the sheep are not really experiencing the performance, the actual living, and I as the performer am not actually experiencing living, because my performance is separate from all as expression as being performance.