I have a situation where I cannot make a decision, I am at war with my self, and I find my self becoming irritable and frustrated. This has been here for a few days and I am allowing my self to become scattered with my self, where tasks require more time than is necessary. I also am tired and struggle to face my responsibilities.
I know that I am irritable and frustrated and want to blame, want to defend at the same time. And in a moment I attempt to apply the principle of what is best for all and cannot seem to find a solution. Which means I have a lot of mind activity, a lot of separation from my self into polarity.
In all this blaming that is going on with this I am holding my self in, becoming righteous- which I realize is a form of self “with-holding”, not allowing the vulnerable self to stand up.
This has to do with a group activity I am not sure I want to participate in. What comes up with this is a scenario I had with my mother. My mother loves dogs and became involved in showing her collies. she included my son, who also loved dogs, in the showing of her dogs. Eventually, she acquired a dog for my son, a dog that I had said I did not want, I had a dog and did not want a puppy at that time. But the dog came, and my son wanting the dog was hard to say no to. But I was so angry because I felt that I was not listened to.
Meanwhile, my mother tired of showing dogs and started suggesting that I show the dogs with my son. I did not want to do this. When I felt that I was then being made to feel guilty for not showing the dogs, which was presented as statements by my father, how I had limited opportunity for my son I stewed within my self. I continue to be angry about this, I see this dog every day, and I am the one responsible for the dog, and I have to keep this to my self, because it has nothing to do with this dog. This dog is not to blame for my emotions. And I even feel guilty, because sometimes I think my dog senses all this and takes it in herself. I feel that I said I did not want the dog, and was ignored, and then I was made the perpetrator of not continuing my mother’s “constructions”. My mother is someone that gets out and does things, and this is nothing to criticize, but she also loves people circumnavigating her existence. Many times I have had to remind my self of the thing being done to not become angry.
So, what’s up here? I feel like I am being asked to follow the ego of another. And yet I know this statement in itself is not the solution, the solution being rejecting the “other” ego outright. I am attempting to “pull my self together” and stand as equality, as what is best for all, to stop all the habits of reaction, to realize and forgive them and stand, direct my self. I can understand that this is the only choice I have to be life, here, and that what is best for me is what is best or all.
So, I am going to go and work in the garden and stop my mind through activity, and breath because at this moment the thing I have allowed is too big, I have made it too big, and it is consuming me. In breathing I am slowing down all the reaction, so to speak, stopping this separation, and realizing how I allowed this.
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