In worshipping war ships I can’t trust my self.

Yesterday was a day here I felt like all the things that consume me came one after another, as though the projections, movies, that are of emotions, thoughts and feelings, that I have allowed to become so big that they are me, they are the “signs” that direct me, are somehow speeding up, and in speeding up become smaller, are no longer so big.
I think of temperance, the taming of the beast within, the god within, this system that I have allowed to direct my self because I had separated my self from life, in wanting my own will, in spiting everything around me because I wanted to believe that I was more than what was around me as I compared my self to what was around me, not realizing that what was around me was merely another expression of life, that from which we all came as the first atom split itself.
My own beliefs became my own projections, which eventually consumed me, fed off of me, veiled me, directed me, became a god that I followed, that I worshipped. My war ship to continually fight with these toys that were belief in my self wanting to not take responsibility for all of life, not wanting to realize that we are all one.
I feel like all these war ships are fighting, all sailing around one another, at sea, and they are so big I can hardly get a handle on them.
The same thing happens when I interact with other people. All the war ships that are so big and exist as friction/anger/tension/greed/spite/ passive sadness-desire-silennt submission, I have not “caught up with” enough to temper, to forgive in every moment.
These “reflections” of my self that are polarities, compounded into personalities. These personalities I then fear losing, fear being rejected by within and without. All beliefs a one sided refraction of life, that which cannot be lost, that which supports this whole shadow/illusion existence.
I mean, if one stands up to a war ship that is by its very nature a “friction” that is what “flies” towards one, in this case, in the form of a cannon, each cannon a cry to survive
the only thing to do, as I am this swirling mess, is breath. If I have, and hopefully I am not completely in another delusion, this “smalling” of these giant “ beliefs etc. will continue to a point where I have brought my self back to my self and then use this system to direct my self as life as all as one as equal.
At this moment I cannot trust my self to speak.


About rebeccakarlendalmas

Desteni I Process Equal Life Foundation
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