Noticing my ego through my judgements and criticisms

I had some resistance to talking with someone yesterday, and something came up that has come up before, I envied them their ability to talk, they appeared more honest with themselves than I seemed to my self. When I realized that this was my self judging my self, that I was taking what they had said and relating it, comparing it to a idea I have of my self speaking. Especially since I realize that I have to work on speaking, especially since I tend to “hold my breath”, which I do when I make a vlog.

This tells me where I am ego, where I have held my self in and become fearful of being judged. My judgement based on an idea of what I am supposed to be, supposed to appear as, where I am fearful of fitting in. I am hiding my self in a belief that I am less than, that I don’t match the system.
I think this comes from my father, this fearful constriction that is my self holding my self in to hide where I don’t fit in, where I am not matching the system, but now I must do this, the reverse of this and realize my self. I must reverse this build up of becoming a system.

I actually became aware of this “holding in” of my self having been an American living in Europe for ten years. There it seemed the exuberance, the seeming openness of the American character was “garish” in comparison to the Swiss. I had to learn to taper the presentation of my self somewhat. So I held my self in- so to speak. I remember my parents saying that my experiences in Switzerland controlled me more. That it did. I was aware of my self holding my breath more. Was not sure this was such a good idea.

I had a women friend there who was studying a method of breathing, she said that the root of all illness was because people don’t breath. I thought this was fascinating. I believed this, because I realized that my breath had changed.

I was the same “holding in” of my self during this last relationship I had. But I did see this and spent time breathing. Sometimes I could stop this feeling of holding my self in.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to hold my breath, to hold my self in.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I am les than another.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to hold my breath to stop judgement of another
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to hold my breath, to hold my self in so as to not offend another
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to forget that breath is more than taking in air, breath is taking in life, the presence of life, the presence of life as being equality, where all are equal
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear, my fear being my self wanting to fulfill the criteria of what I am supposed to be to be accepted by society.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to constrict in fear, whereby I believe that I am not understanding something.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear being reprimanded for saying or doing something “wrong”.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to hold my self in, with breath, in fearing I am doing something wrong , when in this belief that I am doing something wrong I am actually judging my self and therefor judging my surroundings. I am not unconditional self expression, but my self trying to fit into an idea, or fulfill a role or image
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear not being presentable, whereby I hold my self in instead of remaining in breath.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to desire to be presentable
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become ego in my desire to prove that I have made myself presentable.

I am here
I do not judge another as less than or more than
I am breath
I am breathing

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About rebeccakarlendalmas

Desteni I Process Equal Life Foundation livingincome.me eqafe.com
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