If I look at confronting my self as I look at confronting statements in an article there really is no differences, both are a game of separation, and I participate when I become anxious or fearful. Does the fear I allow my self to refract and separate into then seek a persona, an idea , a belief to maintain the division of itself as belief, opinion and idea? Where I then, in not being aware that this is what I have done, vainly attempt to justify, resolve, save, recoup, placate, the energy I have become that is not of the whole of my self but really an act of desperation? Desperation being a belief that I will not survive unless I separate and perform this role, accept this belief, uphold this opinion. Even though I will diminish and kill life. Stop life, dis-allow life by joining in with the separation my mind performs because my mind looks at the parts and not the whole. My mind maps and measures the steps, but is not capable of totality.
In being robots we have become measuring machines, our “back chat” is the voice of the measurer.
I believe the measurer to be me.
Well, if one looks at the world as this, realize that every advertisement is measured, every law is measured according to ideas of right and wrong, that support belief of right and wrong, that support divisions, measured divisions of what should and would be, should would should whould, around and around and around. somewhere, way back there beyond this tool of the mind, beyond all this measuring is the whole, is life, is the force that holds it all up ( thank you ) , is that which is being measured.
So, in being in a relationship, where there is sex and desire , where the starting point was to escape boredom, worry, stress, to fulfill social ideas of appearance, is an act of separation from self. Is a refraction of sound into a measured solution that does not consider life, is an act of desparation, is measured survival.
Allowing my self to worry about money and feeling like I am tired of “juggling” finances is separation because what measured and accepted presentation of my self am I trying to uphold? What exists here, presently in this world are a few measured options of what is acceptable and deviation from such acceptances ostracizes one from society and the measured presentations run and hide from the un measured, those that do not fir the measurements of what our minds accept, what has been “pictured to us as the correct measured way of existence. Thus, I suppose that feeling like I am juggling money is an unproductive way of viewing what is happening here. My criticism of my self is a comparison. I can give up many things one is supposed to do to maintain this measured existence but I find I feel guilty should I ask my grown men boys to do this. Again this is another act of separation, based on the system.
Right now I have also found measured responses spinning in my mind. I am allowing my second violinist to convince me of projects, which I have joined in on, only to be met with resistance when I drive the project forward. And now that I am wanting to stop I am being presented with ideas of missed opportunities. I have done forgiveness on this, but I remain irritated, and begin to move forward once more. My very resistance has become a persona of irritation and judgement, detrimental to my self, and not a source of direction, not a place where I am life- actual living , where i am an unconditional self expression that considers what is best for all.
I remember a situation where I was a reaction of frustration and anger, directed at my sister, in a game of sibling rivalry. I was suddenly so angry, I started to yell, and my yelling stopped everyone present. They all started at me. In that moment i saw my self as anger, I was “black” with anger. And I stopped. ( I think we have all had moments where we have stopped) I said to my self, within my self, what is this? Be this justified it can’t be good for me, no matter what. From that day on I worked at stopping this kind of anger. At the time I was frustrated in my new ( which I accepted) role of single mom. There was another event along the way with my sister but at that time I simply walked away.
I realize that I also become a measuring, fearful, worry self in relation to money. Where I worry about the future and my capacity to hold things together financially. In this I am measuring what money I have into potential future outcomes. How this money will fit into what is coming. Even yesterday I realize that I had, on paper, a net worth that is more than what a lot of people have, and I thought, how do I utilize this? Somehow I have to find a balance with this, where I am not a refraction of worry, not separate from life, from living, where I am not lost in measuring a picture of indoctrinated expectation and instead, in steady directive principle of what is best for all, where I breath, allowing my self to use awareness that is the source of the measured me, as movement of myself. I am incessantly projecting my self into the future.
All of this is pretty fucking sad, but like the anger “me”, this is unproductive, does not move, is not directive, is another e-motion. Another refraction of my self into a standardized measured state of being. I suppose if I were “scored” as one fitting into the standardized formula of what one is supposed to “feel” according to the system, my score would be pretty high. but I am not a standardized persona. Nor do I desire rebellion, I am here in what is not the division into standard, or the polarity of this into rebellion.
Meanwhile all this must be ideas in my mind, a process of measuring because my back hurts and my legs hurt and I am really sick of this.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be happy that it seems easier to use words,
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to project my self into a future, thereby separating my self from here, from the present, from breath, from awareness of my self as life as all as one as equal. from being only a measurer and not my self here where I can only solve what is here in the moment.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to feel sad about my existence of limitaiton in and as my mind where I project into the future in and as worry about finances, money outcome.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to exist in constant problem solving of finances in imagining possible distribution of my available money in the future.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not breath and realize that I can only exist here in this moment and must forgive the voice of worry and belief that I must manipulate and juggle possible scenarios in and as a future existence of possible outcome financially.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to perform different roles in order to secure what I, in and as my mind- in belief and indoctrinated idea- will bring security financially in and as a future based on accepted ideas/image of what it means to be financially secure.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I need perform a role in order to survive, that I need project a persona, a persona I base on images and ideas, based on belief and accepted standards that I have developed and participated in, with society, with the collective, that are all people in oder to survive, thereby stopping the expression of my unconditional self, thereby stopping what is best for all.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to rush, whereby I stop my self from slowing down, from slowing down the refractions of my self, the separation of my self from the awareness of my self as life, where I am silent, where silence is steady, where breath is felt, where breath is.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to forget this movement of my self into the slowing down of my mind systems and allowing the silence and breath to balance my self here, where it almost feels like I am nothing, which is, in the minute seconds I can manage this there is a respite from worry and fear and anxiety.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting all the personas that I have accepted and allowed, all the refractions of my self into measured standards of survival, that are of worry and fear and believed injustice to be the expression of my self here.
I am not worry
I do not fear death
I am not sadness
I am not bitterness
I am not jealousy
I do not compare
I am here in every moment. where it is up to me to allow the being of this.
I will the STOPPING of all this separation
In every moment here I fall, in every moment here I again stand.