Yesterday I was writing out some forgiveness when I became so tired I could hardly keep writing, and I fell asleep. Last night I was writing some more and the same thing happened. I had actually gone back to 5 to six hours of sleep but yesterday I went off this because of this sudden extreme tiredness that overwhelmed me during writing out of forgiveness.
The word that seemed to trigger this was ego.
I am reflecting on this “relationship” I had this past year and this morning I realized that there is still a lot of emotion and ego here. The fact that I reflect and want to understand why it worked or did not work is the mind and persona that is my self that is a woman looking for answers. I am in my mind siphoning events , which at this point are memories, through morality, through the persona of my self as a woman, and therefor looping around in the polarity construct of the “love” scenario, where roles are performed and right and wrongs are applied and the ego wants to win, to justify. All of this stagnant and non directive, disruptive of a steady calm inhalation and exhalation.
How can I direct an image? How can I “correct” an image other than imagine a correction, and then settle within an emotion of having resolved some issue that occurs that is only imagined. All this “imagining” would be enough to put me to sleep, so much effort without any movement in what is actually here, my self in this physical body. In many ways this has to be the most impractical “being” ( if one would call this “being” ) constructed. Robots are impractical, without practice, we as humans are without practice in the physical, we exist in our minds, we construct imaginings of no practicality, of no actual physical expression, of no consideration for the physical. This does not include the physical.
That I fall asleep, that my legs are feeling …. I have tried to think of the words to describe this, they feel like the thousands of little vortexes that were spinning around my husband the day before he died, they feel like there are all these little oscillating spinning swirly things in them, which I guess some might call a tingling numbness. My toes feel like they are curling and in the last two days I have had “zapping pains” suddenly hit me all over. I feel like I go from bouts of every bone in my body cracking to bouts of electrical shooting pain spots suddenly happening. This has become a pattern, and I think it moves with my period.
So, yesterday I thought about the men in my life and how there is this constant support thing going on.
( I also have thoughts that this is impossible, this stopping of the mind, and I have to stop and realize that it is the mind that is telling me this is impossible, my will reminds me that all of this that I am stewing about is impractical, does not consider what is best for all because it serves one purpose, is not an absolute purpose, its purpose is singular, is satisfaction of everything that has been promoted on television, in novels, in the beliefs and opinions and ideas of the mind, is what has been taught to me by family, concerns that do not consider the physical and the movement of the physical as absolute purpose of what is best for all, of including all life and being that life in expression of equality. )
I burden my self and the men around me with supporting their egos and my own. I am my own burden in this supporting role of this drama in which I partake in and as my mind, disregarding the physical. It is no wonder my legs feel a tingling numbness, I am not including them as my self, in awareness that they are here to be a practical tool in being what is best for all, in living in absolute directed purpose that is awareness of everything, which includes the physical, that which my mind forgets as it acts as imagination.
The ego of the male often reacts offensively when faced with confronting its own choices that have been made or acted out and I have either cringed or responded aggressively in anger. And I suppose I am doing this in my mind, in my imagination, trying to ease the emotion through the use of my ego, alternating between the compassionate female and the indignant woman. Neither of which is my self being the principle of oneness in equality.
OK, I feel lighter and clearer.