If I look at the things i have taken personally and the things that I take personally, I see my own accepted and allowed personality.
The thing I write about in the perception I have of my self, where I become confused, where I fear the reaction I perceive of others towards my self and how I compensate my self in avoiding these things, in what I choose to return as a presentation of my self is often a compensation of what I fear I lack or missed.
Not even realizing that often misunderstanding is what is present, because I have not under- stood these very things I speak of in my self, as my personality, that are the other. In this instance, being inclusive only leads to more of the same.
My son , and I have seen this in other blogs, said that the world will eventually realize what it is existing as, that all roads lead to self realization that we are all as one as equal. Of course this is true, but at what cost? In the end self realization is going to have to be, so that it does not happen again. This process of self-realization cannot be avoided, what is happening here is that the ball is “getting rolling”. Has to start somewhere, and perhaps the world has finally gotten to the point where the “ball” is starting to roll in awareness that that is what this “ball” that is earth is doing. This is it, Desteni is the “ball” starting to role. But our minds will come in with doubt, because for so fucking long we have allowed a message in the machine that is our minds tell us otherwise. We have taken personally what systems tell us and developed a personality that is of self limitation, of stagnation, of non direction of ourselves as life, as all as one as equal.
We have taken personally all that we exist as that is creating the abuse that exists, therefore we are the personality of what is presently here on this earth.
Within my self, I am the person of confusion because I allowed my self to become fearful when I received anger for not matching what was told to me and was not able to see around the emotion, was not able to hold my self and speak as my self when the anger came. And even now I react in anger, I give what was given, I continue the action of many generations.
So, to accept that equality is inevitable, is true, we will inevitably realize our equality, we will work through it, make no mistake ( so to speak), it is something that has to be worked through, so why not start NOW.
I remembered a picture of my self as a small girl the other day, I don’t have the picture, but The image came up and I seem to be holing onto it. I am standing with my twin sister, I must be about four. My hands are together, an action my father does; we are all nail biters in my family. The expression on my face has always bothered me in this photo. I do not look “at ease”. I look confused already at four years of age. My hands are already “clutching”, already nervous, already wrangling in uncertainty, in the expectation of uncertainty.
( I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel sad that such a thing can exist for a child.
I forgive myself for allowing and acepting my self to feel sad about a picture, something that is not actually here in this moment.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have thoughts about the image of a child already in dis-ease is sad.)
So, I am that child, I am what many have labeled me as the “space queen” because I remain the confusion and fear of uncertainty in the face of the mind of a man that is of the one percent of the population that can spew data like a fucking computer. My “spaceyness” is a persona of a child trying to figure out how to fit in what is presented. Somewhere here, and though it sounds like I blame, I am not, I realize that the blame is on my self, I allowed this, I think I just stopped here, I stopped within this and have been “stuck” in this for a long fucking time.
My thighs bother me, and I was looking at this, and then this image came up, and then this sense of self confusion. Somehow, in looking back this is here.
Enough for now.
i went and looked at the Desteni I Process.
Sometimes, just going forward brings the answers and the means.
I also realize there is resistance here.