My mother and the web of emotion

I have been lost in my mother and the anxiety that I feel in facing her, that is facing what she represents within my self.

So , I supported my mother emotionally. When she tells me that she will always love me, I feel the same sticky, burdensome thing I feel about being the female with a man. A combination of being crushed and a “good” girl. Guilt, should I not do this. Having to pick my self up and having allowed my self to participate in and with and to have gone down the stairs to sit and listen, to sit and support through listening and then “feeling good” because I did this for my mother, or feeling good because I am special, I am the one who can ease my mother’s mood.

Now that what I say is against what is said by my parents, I need to be told that they love me and will always love me.

So, I took all this back to my self. I supported emotionally, I am the model of my parents and I have this feeling of longing, of need for comfort. In the conditioning of my self I am my mother. I want the same support, and yet I am disgusted when I get it. I don’t want to ask anyone for this. Yet, to receive this? It is like being caught between a rock and a hard place. I am my own friction.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have supported my mother emotionally even when I did not want to.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear the burden of emotion I believed I had to support, have to support.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear what might happen should I no longer be this emotional support
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear something that is not real, that is only a belief that is in my mind and not what is here
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear my mother saying to me, “I will always love you”
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have feared these words from my mother because it meant that she had made a decision and being the leader that she always was meant that this was what was, period and there was nothing I could do about it.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear standing up to what was decided by my mother, which is all silly because I have done this!
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear my mother because I remember there being no way out of her will as a child.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to remember crying and begging my mother to not spank me when the dog stepped in between my mother and I and barked quite loudly and stopped my mother.

I remember when the dog would not let me start the lawnmower, and then I looked and there was a big chain stuck in the blade!

dog=god=life

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear what is not real.
I forgive myself for not realizing that an approach of wanting to thwart my mother is not the solution, this is reaction, the solution is to breath and “remind” my self as all as one as equal, here, as what is best for all, as loving my neighbor as my self, and within the moment decide what is best for all instead of sitting here in fear, in anxiety in and as my mind, in an illusion, where there is no answer because all that exists is a polarity/morality design that my mother uses that is all that I am when I allow my self to exist as a reaction in fear to what is presented to me by my mother-that I am allowing to be what I am here, in my mind, as belief, memory and fear.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that when my mother tells me she loves me it means that I am special
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have a reaction of disgust when my mother tells me she loves me.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to play the role of emotional support to survive
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that being emotional support is being a “good girl”
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear losing my role of being emotional support
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be the sins of the father whereby I want/desire emotional support and understanding from another
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have received emotional support at times from my father because he wanted me to support my mother emotionally.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to want emotional support from men.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel calm and supported when men offer me support.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be angry with men when they only support me emotionally when they want something.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to participate in emotional support for gain, for security, for releasing my own anxiety.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear no longer having support emotionally because I am no longer choosing to support emotionally.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to become tense physically when thinking about the idea of facing emotional reactions from my mother.
I forgive myself that I have allowed my self to imagine having to face my mother’s emotions in the future.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to dream about/imagine/project having to deal with my mother in the future in a belief that this will make the moment of confrontation easier.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to imagine what is not here in this moment.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I need emotional support.

I am here as life as breath as all as one as equal
I release all fear of need for emotional support, of fear of supporting emotionally, of fear of guilt should I stand and say no to listening to the fears and irritations of my mother.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to sometimes express my fears to my son.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to express fear to another wanting to “vent’ my fear in absolving my self of the fear, when actually all I do is have more than myself support that fear.
I am here, I am able to breath as resolve anxiety and fear through breath, through realizing that fear does not exist but in my mind.
I am not, in common sense, the fear that I feel in terms of dealing with what is actually here.
I am able to remain intimate with my self here, as life as all as one as equal, in breath,as movement of what is best for all.

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About rebeccakarlendalmas

Desteni I Process Equal Life Foundation livingincome.me eqafe.com
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