If I look back at the relationships/attractions I had had with and towards men, I realize that there were more than one where i wanted the man/male yet was not able to have them. Twice, the attraction was reciprocated, but stopped because the man was addicted to drugs or alcohol. I was attracted to these men who were not able to participate, even the one that decided to leave this life by his own hand because he believed he was not able to participate. And in the end I am alone, here without a man. Did I choose men I felt needed help in some way? Did I want to play the savior? Or was I avoiding something. Was I avoiding my self? Was I avoiding life, was I not really realizing life as I was lost in the belief of touch as being limited to one idea?
I have a feeling of sadness about this as though the expression of my self in this way with a man cannot be , cannot exist because it never seems to work. IN this belief I block this from happening. In what ways do I cause this to happen?
This time I have stopped because i do not trust the person, their insecurities are too many and they have a need to constantly prove themselves, to prove their masculinity. And I can no longer allow this because i become frustrated in the expression of my self. I enter situations where I then allow the frustration of my self as a woman, as life, in and with my physical body. I enjoy the physical presence of a man. I enjoy the warmth, the smell, the shape, the close proximity of another person simply stopping the world and experiencing the physical touch of two in all it’s simplicity.
It is only the ideas of what a body should be, of anxiety about how this should look and the criticism of something that should pass through the mind of another, when the vary act of criticism or thought of how something should look or be is the actual existence of not being present in the actual sharing of the physical body, being aware of itself here in the physical.
How I allow this system of ideas and beliefs to STOP what is here, the simplicity of what is here. Sharing a moment of physical expression of another touching this physical presence of my self as a human physical body, where I become aware of the shape and contour of what it is that I am here is the simple movement of being here as what I am. There need be no desire of outcome, there need be no desire of the retention of an image that stimulates, because it is an act that is not about a picture, it is an act about sensing the physical, enjoying the sensing of the physical. Is it no different that petting an animal, or touching a tree.
If I think about the times I have touched something to experience the texture, temperature, quality of an object to experience another dimension of the object in and as the physical that I am here, the sharing of my self physically with another person is really no different. It is using what is here, the senses that I exist as in this human physical body to experience the physical.
So, any worry, or fear of how I look, how I will be judged, how I will/might fail to be a specific response, or that I might be the cause of another’s experience as being less because of something I lack is not what is here, not what is actually happening, is the stopping of expression. And the simplicity of the solution is to be here with what is here, is to treat the physical as equal to oneself.
I am equal to my physical body. I am here and I am able to touch, there need be nothing else needed, no ideas, no desires, no beliefs, no fears, no hope because it merely is a simple act of touch as the physical and not limited to needing the presence of another human physical body.
I need not feel sad that the moment of touch in and as this human physical body is so seldom because what is the mind blocks the simplicity of this act. I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have a memory of frustration in the expression of my self with another in the act of touching two human physical bodies together.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to long for the longing to have the simple act of human physical body touch .
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to desire to have the vulnerable self, that that exists as the unconditional expression of my self in and as the human physical body that I exist as here in the reality.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not direct my self in and as this in and as my human physical body
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to pity myself because I believe that I cannot have and that I need to have the intimacy in and as an action of physical touch with another human physical body, that being the body of a man.
I forgive myself for not realizing that every moment here in and as the physical is that of the experience of touch with the physical, where the process of touch is actually my self touching the physical, becoming the physical, this that IS NOT LIMITED TO A SINGULAR ACTION OF TWO PEOPLE.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to limit my self in and as belief that I am missing something because I have believed that this touch of my self in this human physical body exists only in the act of touch with another man, when what is here is my human physical body in and as my self in TOUCH with all that is here, the physical that is here.
My process is to realize the touch of my self into this physical world in and as the birth of my self into awareness of my self touching everything that is here as the expression of my self.
I forgive msyelf for allowing and accepting my self to limit my desire to touch what is here into and as something that can only exists between two human physical bodies when this touching in and as my human physical body is with every moment with all that is here, as the physical is what surround me.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that the music that is playing here presently is something of the physical, that is touching me, here, therefor I am that which I, in and as my mind long for!
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have believed that I have somehow missed the chance to express my self physically in and as touch with another, for whatever beliefs and ideas as reasons and justifications, when this limitation does not really exist, or is limited to one scenario because the physical is all around my self here, all I need be is the acceptance of this as a constant existing intimacy with the physical that is here that I stop my self from seeing, from hearing, from participating in and as.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel sorry for my self in and as a belief that I somehow missed an opportunity to express my self here in this physical human body, when every moment is an act of touch with the physical, with life in and as an expression here as the physical.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have missed the physical world and how I am “in touch” with this physical world in every moment of every day, in every breath, breath being intimacy with the physical.
I stand here and realize the intimacy that I am in every moment here in the physical, as I breath in and touch the physical world here in and as my human physical body.
I turn and I touch the physical that is here, I take my breath into my hands and touch all that is here, become intimate with all that is here.
That which I long for is here, I am this, every breath is this touch of life.
I no longer restrict my self in and as a belief that “touching” is a limited opportunity, when touch is life with all that is here as the physical.
I touch everything, I am touching everything in every moment, touching all that is equal to me because it is myself.
There is not need to seek intimacy because it is here in every moment.