Can’t think of a title, stall, then realize I can write the post and fill in the title later, this is taking a direction, not allowing my self to stall, to resist. This can be done in many ways, in looking a the whole, the standard sequence is no longer necessary. And we are taught to move in sequences.
My dream. I am in places where people meet and there are men. I avoid them. I am avoiding them because I don’t want to get involved with them, because I don’t want to have to explain everything at the moment. It is too hard. My recent man wants me to leave Desteni, wants me to play a role, yet I don’t think- actually know- that should he understand- he would not want that role played. So, I pick away at this, I met him yesterday and talked. Sometimes I see it as opportunity to simply and slowly process equality as the word that I speak in every moment, especially since I cannot go back, even though, at the moment it seems like it would make life easier, because I could voice all the platitudes, all the accepted platitudes, which I find myself doing sometimes. It has gotten to the point for me where I am feeling like I am moving against a huge weight. Almost like when I have a fever and that heavy feeling is there, the one I was frightened of for so long and one day decided to enter, and then felt like it tried to escape, like it squiggled throughout me and ended up being of no consequence.
Talking allow me to voice my process of stopping the mind and speaking as best I can of stepping outside of the standard role, emotional acceptance, ego acceptance lingo and directing as what is best for all. In this I find agreement. It is also interesting when I speak, because I notice within my self the difference between confusion and when I say something that appears to me to be clear. It is like playing the violin, clarity has a force that is…. infinite seeming, to chose a word from Desteni. I am absolutely certain when the note has this quality to it. The I think I am merely jumping into a stream, I have found a stream that is clarity. But this description denies this stream as what I am when I find this- so to speak.
Is the flow of absolute purpose the guide?
But in my dream I am running away, meandering alone. Avoiding.
Isen’t EVERYTHING moving in absolute purpose??? So, the only way to move is with compassion? Compassion and patience, even in confrontation?? Isn’t this a part of this?
Talking with this man, describing my self trying to sell something, I manage to evetually find agreement and even support. Suggestions then made, he is on a board at a technical school where there are problems with state scores. If I can convince this person then I can another. My directive was really that there was no other way, opposition was merely beliefs and the way forward was what worked through the movement of my self as absolute purpose-so to speak.
I went onto an education web-site, where the latest from our President was about the need for support in education in the home. Being able to support oneself instead of the waiting and hoping of a system to perform wonders. Systems are stagnant in the sequences within they are locked. Use compassion and patience and absolute purpose to navigate the rigid sequences.
I also avoided going to my parents, I was not directly invited. But this does not matter, I, my self did not want to go, because I have allowed a feeling of burden exist, a fear of confrontation, a fear of encountering the last round of hysteria, which is my self allowing a memory to consume me. And I know better! Should comments be made I would have reacted from this place, here where I am only imagining and not actually fucking there! I would have reacted, or so my mind is telling me, to my mother looking at me and with compassion saying, “Becky, you are not making any sense!”. I was afraid I would become angry, I am afraid I am not strong enough to not be a reaction, because I am allowing my self here in my imagination to be this reaction.
In my dream, I am remaining within my circle but avoiding the people in the circle. Stopping one sequential play within a sequential play.
So, meeting this man, where there were other business subjects talked about, besides other discussions, I was moving forward. But I was not moving forward in allowing my self to create a feeling of dread in interacting with my mother. I had decided to keep some distance because the latest interactions have been very critical of my words. But even then, when I was actually facing this I was not as I am now, in and as my mind, where I have made this into something I dread. In the actual moment of interaction it was not so heavy.
Sometimes I do not think it is my back so much that is the problem. It is my left hip. This is bothering me. Which is telling because I have some small varicose veins in my left leg, and there is a spot where my inner thigh meets my torso that has a flat shaped- plate like obstruction to it. This has been so for a while. There is a know there, a not. What is this? My hip is definately wanting to be sensed at this moment because I am aware of it.
So, walking and talking today made me feel lighter.
Avoiding is heavy, the creation of the thought that I am avoiding.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to dread facing possible hysteria.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel hysterical about encountering words of opposition in and as an act of my mind.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear opposition.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to exist here within my mind in an image of opposition being what is here, which is unnecessary and not what is real, where I have actually stood before opposition and walked without too much reaction, remained steady, so this imagery is not real.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to become confusion and dismay where I exist in wanting hope of agreement within my environment.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to want agreement, where I forget my self in the wanting of agreement instead of remaining within the direction of my self as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear disagreement.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to allow a feeling of dread and fear at losing the agreement of the people around me.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to avoid others based on an idea and belief of fear of loss that is my mind.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to doubt when I am told by the persona of a man that I need to give something up, when the very persona of what is telling me I need to give something up is that of a force of ego, hard and edgy, demanding and angry, yet the projection of this towards me is easily placated through the redirection of my words towards principle. that which cannot be denied, the movement of life as all as one as equal, as what is best for all, words as principle as directive that stop the hardness of belief. Or so it seemed in that moment.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear this in and as my mind where this is not here at this moment.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to dread.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to dread an imagined scenario.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to give my power away to dread.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to exist in an imagined future of dread.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to exist in an imagined future of beliefs and opinions expressed through words from imagined meeting with others that are not actually what is here in this moment.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear my own capacity to move as self directed application of the principle of oneness in equality.
I am here
I am oneness in equality
I direct my self as my self as the principle of what is best for all and do not allow my self to stall in the opposition of persona and role, of system, of ego, of emotion.
I am life, that which is oneness in equality, that which is best for all, from here I direct myself in word and movement of my physical body as I birth life into the physical.