Concert, reacting to the absence of a man and considering my self.

I just returned from my concert. We were very well received, an encore was requested, and the audience wanted to ask questions, they were all curious and happy and want us to perform again.
Meanwhile, I had become nervous during playing, but had to calm my self as I played and direct myself while I played, correcting my posture and ignoring any thought of criticism.
In the end I adressed the audience, speaking in front of an audience is easy for me, I just do it, don’t worry so much about what I say, try to remain concise.
I standing there I caught my self looking at all the people for this man I dated. He was not there. A sinking feeling appeared as me.
This man, with whom I perform the role of a woman, and the concert, where I entertain the American, mostly retired people, elite. Those who have time to pay for and expose themselves to contemporary music and the performance of a quartet. In the end I never make enough money for all the practice and time spent, I could not make a living at this. The other musicians here are all now working in the schools and make very little money. The two that I know are able to stay here, as am I because they inherited enough money to have a home. They do not have the cost of buying a home, so their incomes do not have to be really high.
The respect one receives and the houses and society one is welcomed into I have lived my whole life. I even spent time at the American ambassadors house in Switzerland because his wife came from a musical family, I have wondered in many such circles. My mother has recently insisted that I join the symphony that is here again. The I will be in the place of respect and meet a man of wealth.
So, I realize that this will never satisfy me, will never satisfy. It all seems nice, productive, proper but it does not change the problems of the world. And if I speak up, I am reminded that I am merely a piece of cultural decor. Ah , those lines of separation, so subtle, so etched in stone. I have to decide that I will continue to play because I like it and not let it become something that takes over all my time. A hobby.

But this heavy feeling when I realized that this man was not there was a surprise. At the same time I was glad he was not there because I cannot continue the role, just as I cannot play the role of the cultured decor for the society that exists here.

So , this post is for me to forgive these feeling of desire that came up as I faced this audience and “sank” when I realized that this man was not there.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to have wanted this man to appear.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have felt diminished because I felt alone and realized that I had to move away from this because I did not want to stop what I am doing and he does not accept it.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to desire that have this man care about me
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I have feelings for this man
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel sad that this relationship cannot exist
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have an idea that I need a partner to support me here
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel alone in taking care of what is here
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I am alone.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to angry that I am alone
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I need the support of a man.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to desire the comfort of a partner
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to continue to desire this man sexually
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self be afraid to walk away from the roles laid out before me.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to participate in and as my mind.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my elf to be angry and annoyed that this exists, this system of the mind, these emotions and feelings that are ideas and are not what will actually exist in reality.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to project a bitter outcome as I imagine my self following these roles.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to project an image of my self performing these roles, knowing that I will react as I have done before where I will become disgusted and frustrated and react in some verbal manner and loose the social position gained because I know something is false.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself be compliance and rebellion and in this never finding my self.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not follow my self, to not realize that I am able to walk in and as breath, gently and without fear of being alone and alienated from the people around me.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that the way forward is always here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to wish I had a companion to walk with, when in the end it is myself that walks

I am here.
I stabilize my self here through breath and constantly realizing the physical as my self
If I can redirect myself as I perform, I can direct my self away from the abuse of the mind, the thoughts emotions and feelings I am able to let go and forgive.

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About rebeccakarlendalmas

Desteni I Process Equal Life Foundation livingincome.me eqafe.com
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