Yesterday I had a dream of being in a house with many rooms. I have these dreams a lot. IN this one I was wondering around in a house simply noticing the rooms, the hidden areas of room formations. I would stand in the rooms thinking about how they could be used.
In one of the rooms I was with my mother. She started to tell me what to do and I froze. I could not speak. I was a girl again standing in front of her not being able to speak against her words. As though, when she spoke I had to be the words. I can see my self standing there frozen, not being able to move, not even being able to see if I had any thoughts for or against the words my mother has directed towards me. It was the law that one complied with the words of my mother. And, yes, there were paddles and a horse whip should one not understand the words and follow them.
This image of my self as a child, somewhere between adolescence and toddlerhood keeps coming up. And it is as though I want to find something buried in this frozen self that I see my self being in this memory. It has come to the point where I am dreaming this image. It won’t leave. Even this memory of this state as a feeling. I just had the thought that there is a lot of sadness attached to this. Curious.
I looked at Veno’s Structural Resonance. The chest is where one hold the system of the morality/polarity design as “gifted” by parents, that which is continued as moral guides, as that which holds one within society, where one’s innocent self expression, unconditional self expression is resisted and suppressed. If this is what is the child in me reliving, I am so locked in, so frozen that I cannot even remember the specific situation that brought on the “gifted” words of my mother in a moment of being guided into a lesson on morality. Was I trying to stop what was happening, or was I merely so afraid that I froze?
Yet , I notice that throughout the day so many times, that feeling of fear comes up. about really small things. I have been watching this and doing forgiveness immediately.
I remember a quote that basically said, ” though one may shake and one’s words may quiver in fear, there is no other way but to stand” At least in my dream I remained standing. Something was holding me up.
I don’t want to “freeze” anymore. I don’t want to be that frozen self anymore. It does nothing to help my self, or another. There is no justification for this, there is no need for this. It seems like a monster, the thing under the bed. That the monster is here and feels the need to attack is telling. Why attack unless threatened? Somewhere in the boat of thought I am blocking my self in my own
” unconditional self expression” , the fear comes, the morality is given and I am frozen.
Though my legs may shake, though my voice may quiver, in common sense I stand, and the fear has no means to guide my self, because it does not really exist. The morality before me I cannot take with me, it is the illusion that I allow to stop my own direction, my own self expression as my unconditional self. And I stopped this movement of my self as I reacted in fear. So, there is really nothing behind this to look for because it is the point where self stopped. And all this time I have probably been locked in this fear supporting what I was being told I must be.
Why in writing this do I want to cry? Because it is so fucking frustrating and I don’t know where else to go.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel that there is no place to go other than the rules and regulations as dictated by my mother from her mother from her mother, that keep me within a specific framework that does not consider all as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to allow fear in a belief that there is no where to turn to force me, as I believe this to be the only option, to follow a string of words that seemingly convey a singular option of direction as my self.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have feelings of anger, that I must reactively push against the words in and as moral direction that is not of my self in unconditional expression of self as life as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to retain feelings of shame and regret. feelings of sadness and self pity that I allowed frustration and anger as reaction in an effort to stop the enforcement of what I was supposed to be to the point where I could no longer see what was constructive direction and limiting direction.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that all this morality design continues to influence me, has the ability to continue to influence my self and to stop the unconditional expression of my self.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel overwhelmed with the process of organizing my life, where I organize that which I exist as within and that which I exist with in the physical.
I accept the fear that remains and stand in common sense, not allowing the morality as what I have learned to stop my self
I am here
I am life
I make no judgements about people, places or things.
I let go the belief that should I leave the society in which I live I will lose my self, when all that I will lose I will not take with me when I die, so why hold on?