IN trying to stop my mind I decided to take what was in my mind within me, and then the mind stopped, but my chest felt “full”. I was taking my self, as the vulnerable, and accepting what was here as me. In this I became angry, angry that all these thoughts and beliefs were here to be sorted out because I have accepted them and allowed them and must forgive them, to realize that they are just that; things i have been told which I accepted as the way it is.
I remember before finding Desteni I was having problems with my mother, I had grown impatient with her and her continued remarks about how things were sad, how I needed to support this relative because they were insecure, how this was too difficult because one was old. So much of this, I started to push against it. I felt that I was not there ( here) to listen to this. I was not here to “tiptoe” around another’s insecurities, I was not here to patiently allow another to “work out their hangups”. The “song” as words I have heard all my life are of what one should feel, what one should realize in what one is able to do and to be, where one never uses one’s vulnerable self to actually sense the “doing ” of something and finding out for oneself! And all one’s actions are to support the insecurity of another, to avoid an uncomfortable situation.
In disagreeing with my mother I was making my self vulnerable, but I was stopping self abuse in remaining the role of the enabler.
Ironic that that which is used to describe weakness, the vulnerable, is that which is really strong. The vulnerable , where one stands in innocence and senses, senses the common, the obvious. Of course this is where one is attacked, because this is where acceptance for all that is, without judgement, exists.
Do I have the strength to hold the vulnerable constant? Only if I BREATH and remember that this is strength. So, today, I found direction in this. Direction and forgiveness one and equal in and as the vulnerable.