Any thought of a man is participation the supporting the role of a man and the role of a woman. Any moment I allow my self to go into thought about a man is my self being a woman and enabling a man to be a man. The role of being a “woman” is the role of enabling a man role. I abuse my self and I abuse a man, I abuse life.
I was driving in my car to day and I got so tired of this thing hovering in my head, and I realized that any participation in this is abusive. All around abusive.
I realize that should I stand and speak I would probably only receive anger. So, I imagined and spoke my imagination in words.
This is important because in the last few days my back is acting up again. And it hurts. In speaking the words of frustration towards a male being the role a male plays, being insecure with self, supporting self through following what is perceived that a man should be within the system, whereby I listen and accept needs and desires, words placed that support the self as spoken by the man role that only enable continued movement as a male role, and I myself abusing my self in enabling such role playing. In my “rant” my back stopped hurting. I was like, hell, I am not standing up here. If I don’t stand up and say, this is unacceptable, I will no longer sit and listen to your stories, I will no longer allow sex that is energetic release and male ego satisfaction, I am not here to work out your fucking hangups! I am not here to abuse my self and support this! I am not this, I do not want to be this. This will NEVER be satisfying! Fucking STOP.
It is even working now as I speak.
This “role” playing has nothing to do with the physical, using every moment here to exist as an image can never be satisfied, can never be life and needs constant support.
Of course my back hurts because, once again I am enabling an image as thoughts and not my self here as life as the physical.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting any and all thought of a man.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be angry that a person come to me with expectation and demands of support for what is feared.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel sorry for an insecure man, all men are insecure if they are merely being a role, because by its very nature it needs constant support.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to think about a man, to be a woman “role” as what I am here, when there are people starving, people struggling, plants and animals being abused within the same system of imagination, belief and idea that serve no purpose in existing within the physical.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be the thought/message of my mind and not to use my will to STOP THE BULLSHIT THAT IS THE MIND.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear speaking up, even if this “man role” man does not hear of understand a fucking thing I am saying.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear standing and saying I will no longer support your hang ups and do not ask me to!
I don’t need this, I no longer accept this
I no longer accept self abuse as a role
I no longer accept self abuse from a role
I am here
I can stop my thoughts
I can speak as my self and reject all expectation and support for system role play.
I am here.
I no longer SEE a role, I SEE life
I no longer constrict in fear of speaking up and saying I will not accept insecurity from my self or from another.
I am here.
I stop the mind
But it is interesting that during all this I was organizing my home, preparing the sale of some antiques, setting up appointments, clearing out unneeded stuff. As though physically I am moving forward, while the mind does its thing- that which has to stop. Clearing out, letting go of role baggage. Even with some of my furniture, my friends and family have said, “you can’t sell that!” And sometimes I feel that I will not be considered as sophisticated should I no longer have some of the things I have.
I am cleaning up the bullshit, because it is too slippery and I keep falling. I am stewing in my own acceptances and allowances.
This has to stop.