I talked with this man I have been dating the last year yesterday evening. This morning I woke up and he was on my mind again. Walking in my kitchen, I realized that I was the woman feeling that I had failed again in being with a man, having a man, fitting a picture of a woman who is not alone. I have made a mistake. I have been rejected.
But there really is no such thing as rejection. Either, I decide to move with the mind of this man or not. My continued interaction is really just hope that he will see how he exists and I don’t want to admit that this is not happening. But I keep hoping, keep trying.
I cannot judge him, I can only stop my own movement as the mind. In doing this I can no longer sit and listen to his mind, I can no longer sit and participate in his patterns; accepting them in the passive manner of a woman, in no longer reacting or “naming them”, merely allowing them to be is not an option, it is abusive to the expression of life. It is not supporting that which is not acceptable.
Last night I spoke with this man and told him about a video that revealed the practice of the horrific treatment of dogs in Asia. Where the dogs are actually tortured because there is the belief that the suffering of the dog makes the meat taste better. The response was to immediately compare this belief to the beliefs that create the practices of slaughter for meat in this country. He said, well we have studies that say a peaceful death makes better meat. And then he went into what he did for the day, and how he had to go to bed because he had to drive to Boston the next day. All things of the mind, the consumption of linear mechanistic data guiding and directing and no responsibility for what is not part of his direct world.
On another note, yesterday I was driving my car when, at this intersection, I had to change the lane I had entered suddenly to correct my direction, I noticed that vertigo, dizzy, “soupy” existence of fear all around me. I breathed and forgave this fear, in fear of driving my car, fear of directing my self, fear. The corrective application with the words that I am here, I can see the road, I am the car, I am able. The fear subsided. ( this same existence of fear came again in the evening when I was working on my reading skill and comprehension, which I recognized immediately, did forgiveness and corrective application and returned to the program, WOW, to read without the “swirling” things moving me, to not “fight’ this so much was quite something!)
I bring this other scenario up because I have noticed that my violin partner gets this anxiousness around him when we have to drive to Boston. And this man, before he has to go to Boston ( his son had a heavy case of cancer and spent almost more than a year in the hospital in Boston) becomes more “robotic” so to speak. This nervous verbal listing of all that needs to be done, and more impatience with subject away from his responsibility of the moment. I remember being the same way, as I was yesterday for a moment while driving. I am also thinking about driving to see a school with my son, and this means visiting people along the eastern seaboard that I have not seen for a long time , for a place to stay, and sometimes I realize I want to enter an anxiousness about the idea of driving on the highways etc. But I know this need not be, I can breath. Fear is really the illusion, that which creates the fog, and I want to exist as life and be one with all that is here to stop abuse that has been allowed and accepted. I cannot allow the abuse that is fear. If I do so, the only rejection that is here, is my self rejecting life as all as one as equal.
The mind of this man, the mind that this man is, I simply do not react to. It is not rejection of my self, it is only the woman role in me judging my self as not being the image I have always accepted as what is existence. To allow a feeling of failure, or rejection, or futility will not stop the mind of this man or the “soul” role of my self. Hoping for this, is longing for this, is the woman. Nor is there room for self pity, for vindictive reaction or sympathetic understanding. Correction is direction as self without judgement.
This veil of my “womaness” is the same as the veil of fear. foggy and blinding, binding and stagnant.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe that I have been rejected.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to become righteous and arrogant with this man in wanting in hoping that he will accept my self.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I am frustrated and angry that I cannot control the outcome of this situation.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to exist as a woman in and as a role where I become a woman who does not want to no longer exist.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not immediately apply forgiveness towards any thought of hope, rejection, despair, futility in relation to this man.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to keep the thought of this man in the back of my head.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my elf to want to “save” this man
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I am never alone and that this is the illusion.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to avoid facing the defenses that maintain this longing and hoping.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I am here as myself and I need no, direction from belief and opinion, from emotions and ego.
I forgive myself for not realizing that the energy that “swirls” around me is me because i have accepted and allowed this, yet it need not direct me, as I forgive this and apply oneness in equality.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I want a partner, when, even with the presence of a partner I remain and stand and direct myself through my own accepted and allowed separation from life as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to cling to another for support.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear being alone.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I am alone
I forgive myself for not correcting my self into direction as all as one as equal in every moment of , in and as breath, here, that these heavy ego centric energetic constructs abuse awareness of life as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I am capable of corrective application in and as the principle of oneness in equality, that I am able to “catch ” my self as fear when I am driving my car and correct the movement and direction of my self in a moment with breath, and therefor I am able to correct my self in every moment, even as I become and stand as “rolling” within the female response as a woman.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not re-member my self as all as one as equal in every moment, here as breath, even when suddenly con-sumed and con-fused with the constructs of the mind consciousness system in and as fear, role playing, desperate scrambling for survival, for money, for identity, for habitual expression in non awareness of what I am directing my self as here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that in every moment I allow my self to become the direction of support through energetic constructs I am abusing life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not use my capacity, a capacity that all life has to realize self direction as life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to judge this man and not to realize how he exists and forgive this as it is what is here and is accepted and allowed but I need not participate within this.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to not see the absolute purpose of awareness.
I am here
I apply forgiveness
I correct my self
I stand in and as oneness in equality
I am life
I am breathing
I do not allow my self to become confused with my mind
I walk with what I have accepted and allowed and forgive, and breath and direct my self as all as one as equal until it is done.