weighing options

I realize that my son will graduate from HS by the end of May. I can sell my house and move. I weigh options continually. Afraid to leave, to take what I have and make it more financially workable, to place my self into a situation where I can not be so tied to where what I have in terms of money, being paid out to how the system works and has enabled me to survive.
I am so busy weighing my options that I start to bite my fingernails. I become a drama of possibility within my mind. Staying here there are numerous job possibilities for my children in the summer tourist season. They help with the school bills. I had to do this, working two jobs all summer to pay for college, being exhausted when I finally returned to college in the fall.
Selling the house, if it is possible, and moving somewhere where I know no one ( where all are of the same mind system they almost seem the same to me as what is here), where real estate is less, where I might find more land. This being a point of stability in the current system.
A place where I might find some work. Where I am, being very remote. Where I am there exists about 3000 people in the off season.
Taking equity and using it to stabilize my finances, to help pay college bills.
But, how can I see if I am an anxious weighing in and as my mind? I am listening to my mind and not my self. In this I am also creating a picture of how my being as oneness in equality might appear, and not as movement as my self, that which I cannot see until I am here, and I am not here, I am weighing options that are my mind. Many of these thoughts directed by fear. Fear of the unknown, the unknown an illusion, because everything here is life, and is known, I am simply too busy being fear.
I must stop and breath.
Yesterday, a man came to look at my well. As I stood before him and met his eyes to hear his words, I breathed and was aware of how frightened I was of looking at him. His demeanor so harsh seeming. So “edgy”. So, I breathed and looked at this. His pattern. A display of his knowledge, some valid in the context of the situation. I learned some things about wells and how they work. But also, as I have experienced with other men, men being men and not self, the “hurried” need to acknowledge associations to people within the community, the need to mention names and connections. I had to sit with him at the kitchen table and listen to his story, his connection to others in the town. I was an audience for his ego. I sat quietly and listened, and remembered to breath and try not to judge, to just see this as all that this man , as a man, was taught to be. I looked at what he knew about wells.
But the fear as I watched his eyes. why do I have this fear, in breath, I calmed, but this came back. I am aware that should I not listen, give the opportunity for his self validation, I would incur anger and impatience from him. There have been times when I have received anger and impatience from men, and the trick I have used to to repeat what has been said in a calm voice, and it is like petting a puppy, because what has been said is re-voiced, and hearing one’s recording again is like a form of validation. The men calm and almost appreciate your presence. I suppose that is the role of a woman, at times , to repeat the recording of a man. Thereby supporting a construct through re-construction, repetition of the words said a form of reconstruction. Did the reptiles love hearing themselves speak again and again and again? Great vanity at play here, reflected in the Pygmalion.
STOP.
I’m getting a “wiggly” feeling next to my ears!
This weighing of options is making me tired, heavy, restless.
I keep bringing up the memory of standing before my father/parents in confusion, and this fear before this man’s ( the well man) eyes/demeanor , all of this is the maze, the thoughts that are what I fear, that which I need not fear, that which are the unnecessary placed in and with my self. My self being that which knows how to move. I must breath and not be frightened by the “walls” of the maze. These “walls” that are the beliefs and opinions of those around me, that contain truths. Like the ten commandments, a series of words that have a principle to guide, yet are cloaked within a maze of unneeded “stuff”.

It is no coincidence that we live in a world of unneeded “stuff”.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to weigh options as to the future of my place of living.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear moving.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear the people around me telling me that I can’t move, that there is nowhere to go, and that I won’t have any friends or family in the new place i might go to.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel there is only one option.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to believe the grass is greener on the other side of the hill.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel sorry for my self becuase I feel that I am all alone in this and there is no one to help.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel that i have to make this decision alone
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe I need someone to help me with this decision
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to listen to my mind in the making of this decision
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to think that “here” is better than “there” , where ever “there” might be.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not completely let this man I have known this last year go because I fear being on my own in making my decisions.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to also be stubborn in this decision making process, believing that I am independent and can and must make this decision alone.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to want an answer to suddenly come to me.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to feel anxious about making this decision, when the movement of this change need not be an act of fear or anxiousness.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to go into my mind and believe that this decision will come as a feeling of fate, or sense of purpose.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel lost in a belief that there exists a “best” possibility.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to worry about what I leave behind, that the marsh might be abused and developed to the destruction of the bees and birds that are dependent on it.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not give up what I believe to be familiar.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that the unfamiliar even exists as something to fear because it is not familiar.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear moving to a place where no one “knows” me and therefor be open to abuse.

I will stand and breath before what is in front of me and not be the reaction of fear.
I will stand and breath as I face opposition and realize that I need not be confused.
I will stand and breath as I face what is “new” before me and realize that even though I am in a “maze” I can see the “walls” that which is un-neccessary and follow/be my self as breath, here.
In breath I will not allow anxious fearful reaction that is my mind, that is the past.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting uncertainty.
In breath I will be clear.

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About rebeccakarlendalmas

Desteni I Process Equal Life Foundation livingincome.me eqafe.com
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