fearing authority, admiring authority

I fear and admire authority, which is of course a polarity. IN looking at the fear I had in looking at the well man, I link this to my father. He got so mad at me one time he threw me across the bathroom. As I have said before I remember hiding from him. But this was not a childhood of regular intense physical abuse, his physical reactions were rare, but memorable, and enough to distill fear. I think perhaps the memory of my self as a child standing in front of my father is the cause of this scrutiny. And the cause of my awareness of abject fear of looking at the well man head on.
abject:
ORIGIN late Middle English (in the sense [rejected] ): from Latin abjectus, past participle of abjicere ‘reject,’ from ab- ‘away’ + jacere ‘to throw.’
In this kind of fear, one is “throwing oneself away”, one feels completely rejected. Is this how my father was feeling as well?
In this kind of fear, I felt like I was falling, swimming in confusion.
But, at the same time drawn to this, drawn to figure it out because I no longer want fear to be here. Even in college, I disliked getting up and performing. I was so tired of being afraid, I made my self get up and play, even if I did not know a piece, despite criticism- and I was criticized. I didn’t care, I did not want to be afraid any more. I kind of have this same approach to the vlogging. I want to speak clearly, get beyond my own fears and be that which I am here supporting this group for, to stop fear, and to stop that which develops/creates/causes fear.
So, I fear and admire authority, because I have seen authority as that which can judge me, and something that is beyond fear.
While, standing in front of the well man, I also wanted to look at the fear, I would hold my self in and look at the same time. But my first attempts are always clumsy, it is too much to handle my reaction as fear and step forward. But it is really the only way, and most of the time that first attempt is the hardest part.
I also rarely approached fear, once the initial step was taken, with gentleness, because I would react in righteousness, stopping any gain. It took a long time to realize the only “gain” was in losing the fear, and that there really was nothing else.
Equal Money will stop the fear in many ways, and the gain will be so great, that what fucking car one drives or does not drive will no longer matter. That is the power of stopping fear.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear my father’s wrath.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear being thrown away by an authority figure.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe I need fear authority
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I am less than.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that hierarchies really exist.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to sense wrath as a possibility
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear wrath from a male role in and as a system of persona and belief, not realizing that it is a play at authority based on idea and belief, that cannot stand without fear.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to focus on the demands of authority, this being the role of the father/god.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe in authority
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to serve authority
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to throw my self away in the face of authority.

I am here, and in being here, as all as one as equal, I need not fear
I am here and not an illusion of fear
I breath and listen to what is here, and not allow my reaction as fear consume and direct my self.
I do not fear or react to authoritative roles.
I breath and remain here.
I do not allow fear to produce thoughts, especially in the morning when I wake up, I stop and breath and direct.
I do not allow fear to burden me with doubt and futility.
I am here as breath, and breath will take me through my fears and allow acceptance and release.

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About rebeccakarlendalmas

Desteni I Process Equal Life Foundation livingincome.me eqafe.com
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