Today I cleaned. Had to stop and put things in order that I have put aside. While I was cleaning, and endless stream of thought; about parents, about house finance, about the man.
It took me all day. My house is clean but I am not. Too much fear and worry. The really dirty stuff is not gone. Well, I did speak forgiveness and thought about what it means to be equal and one. How do I accept all this, take it in accept that it is/has been me and get on with it.
These thought/emotions/feelings need not direct me.
These thoughts, emotions and feelings take my focus away from just doing what needs to be done.
These thoughts, emotions, and feelings show me the fear that I allow to take my self away from my self as movement as life.
These fears do not help me direct my self as life, do not help me express my self. They warp and twist the movement of me, similar to vertigo. In vertigo space twists and perspective is lost.
I remember being a little girl and the feeling of absolute confusion when I was told I did not understand.
Fear is different from an obsession. Or an obsession is an act to, a ritual to stop fear. The feeling of love is obsessive. The desire for sex, when one believes oneself to be in love, is obsessive. The desire for attention can be obsessive. LIke when has to talk to someone, like a friend etc. everyday and relate gossip etc. . This is all busy work for the mind. This validation and seeking of attention. And it is all a distraction from oneself as life as all as one as equal.
How does one become bigger than this?
I was reading a post today, which I turned from because i wanted to get this house in more order, but i had this “insight” that I let go, but tried to grab again. Anyway, the post was about wanting love. And I thought that one has to be bigger than this, reach beyond it. Just like when an experience of vertigo happens, reach beyond and breath. Move beyond the fear, the obsession, the vertigo into movement as life.
Somehow this must get easier. Becoming aware of it is the first step. I mean, we are not even aware of the vertigo! We are not even aware that we are spinning in fear. so, this is why I say our obsessive behavior is a mechanism to control, and find rest in the vertigo.
Sometimes I seem to be trying to make reason of all of this. And it does not take me anywhere.
When in relation to something, like performing, one stand equal to the thing and directs oneself through as what is best for all, as in the doing of what is best for all, without fear or judgement. The moment I fear or judge I have lost my perspective and probably need to “clean my house”.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to stop and question what I am doing.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to worry about the judgement of others, the thoughts of others.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to want to hide/escape from making decisions.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear having the strength to stand as my self here, as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to give up illusions of what I have been taught is a source of support emotionally, which, if I look closely, have never supported my self and answered the questions I have asked, merely confused and forced relationships as support that demand persona and role playing to create stability in the unstable state of the acceptance of a belief that questions cannot be asked.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear questions that upset established doctrine.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to become confused and scared when anger is directed towards me for asking the one question that cannot be answered by a system that supports inequality.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to become dismayed, or angry when I am told that “that is the way it is”.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear reaction, whether it is generated directly from myself, or from another, whereby I remember breath and stand in movement as all as one as equal, where my neighbor is my self and is treated equally, to stop the abuse of qualifying that one thing is more or less than another.