Competition

Last night I realized that there is competition between my mother and I. This feeling of wanting to be superior in some way. I also noticed some fear while I was reading, like a stream in my back. These things that “pop up”. Have I, am I learning to read in another way? Is this “reading” self honesty? That which I have wanted to understand better? Self honesty is a process of learning to read oneself, of learning to see what one is existing as. How simple really it is then to apply a corrective action. How simple it is really to show this to the world. One is reading out loud. And I have often thought, in moments of frustration that I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs to stop the things spinning in my mind…..or streaming through my back.
I am also reacting to my second violin player for choosing a photo that I had not liked. I can feel blame, anger, indignation, disgust, impatience come up. And maybe, had I chosen the photo I would have picked one that I thought was the best, but in so doing I would have chosen only for my self. At this moment, as I have done before, is just accept something like this as well. Said, it does not matter, this other person needs this more than I do. I am not sure this is an answer either. This leaves another emotion here, that I am not sure how to name. In saying that I don’t matter, if the photo makes him feel confident then let it be. But I am saying I don’t matter. And all of this is based on my judgement of a photo. I think I will have to look at the photo and see what it is about the photo of my self that disturbs me.

In this fear of reading, this anxiety that was here, I did not allow it to ….”come in the forfront” for lack of a better description. And I could consistently see the words. But, I was afraid that I would not understand, I could not understand the words, the concepts. And then all these thoughts and memories came up of the times I stood in front of my parents asking questions and getting impatience because I was not understanding. I was not accepting “the way things were”. I can feel, now this swirling confusion that I always experienced in these moments. My parents always made fun of me, they would buy me figures of ST. Nicolas for christmas and say that I was always “turned on” that I was always carrying a light, in that I always had the “light on” so to speak. SO, I have frustration and fear in the asking of questions that should not be asked , for which I am supposed to understand, which of course I just stood as what was being directed towards me, that I did not understand. So this perhaps is my problem with reading. I fear I cannot understand. ( Funny, this is making me want to cry) And I think I am angry….

I have a lot to do today. I just wanted to put this on paper, in word.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to become the belief that I am to compete with my mother.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be so angry with my mother that I want to prove that I am right and that she is wrong.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to rush at this moment.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear being able to understand what I read, what I hear, to try and hold all that I read and hear in a desperate attempt to “hold” a meaning so that I may understand and express my understanding correctly.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to become confused and stand as my self in the realization that understanding was not what was present, what was present was acceptance of what was not acceptable.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to become angry and frustrated because I wanted to be understood and became this instead of standing as my self.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear concepts.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to accept limitation instead of perhaps using compassion and patience with my experience.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to want to be “right’ instead of quietly directing my self forward.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to become caught up in energetic constructs of inferiority and superiority instead of remaining with in the directive of the questions being asked.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to become annoyed by the choices of another.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to blame, as a reaction, another for what I perceive my self to be.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to lose my self in judgement, wether that judgement is from my self or from another.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that judgement is my reaction to what I hold onto, want to hide, fear.

I am here
I an breath
I am self honest
I am life
I can read.
I am patience
I am compassion
I am directive

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About rebeccakarlendalmas

Desteni I Process Equal Life Foundation livingincome.me eqafe.com
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