I woke up and lay in bed, as a conversation in my mind about my parents. This conversation about what I was going to say to them, what I was going to respond to/towards their behavior against what I am involved in. The whole time I am trying to stop this, and be here because they are not here. When and if they are here with this , then I answer. But being a conversation in my mind about what responses are possible from me, and what words they could possibly throw at me are all simply my mind, and in this I am not being here.
This conversation in my head is fear. I can’t go back and I am having a hard time directing my self forward. These conversations about what I can respond as towards my parents are not going to help this directing of my self forward.
Am i merely facing all that I have been, wanting closure from it in an easy way? Wanting someone to within my circle of people/family to give me the OK to move in this direction?
This principle of loving a neighbor as yourself is not what is here, and to deny this, and to think that it is impossible to create this as a constant here is unacceptable.
Wow, I write these words and it is almost as though the very sound of them is not accepted by all of me, as though there is this very “hysteria” that is my parents and sister here within me, in the feeling of storms within. Interesting.
Looking at my own delusions.
I am discordant with what has always been spoken and believed by my parents. So, naturally, there is discord.
I remember in high school, after I walked away from the whole model/drug/no longer had friends to play on the street with scene, I started to do things alone. At first I had to make my self do this. I remember going to the movies alone. And this memory, this thought that I am alone, was alone is not real. ALl that exists is here with me. I am the one not aware of it, in this belief that I am alone. I am here as my neighbor as my self. I am as all as one as equal.
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