Another Snow Day

The hysteria around my involvement in “treating your neighbor as yourself” is here in regards to my family. This cult of wanting to realize what it means to treat your neighbor as yourself that has indoctrinated me to the point where i am being told that I am not allowed to talk, and that my children are impressionable and therefor need to be called and talked to by my parents. So, I can’t speak, and my children need to be protected from me. And, I might end up giving all my money away to this cult. This cult that asks for 1200ER a year, this amount being what is going to take all one’s money away.

How have I brought this on???

I have a tendency to be agreeable, extremely agreeable, with people, and with groups I am involved in, will bend over backwards to make things work. But what usually happens is that this is taken advantage of, and when I am asked too much or expected to do something that is too much I then stand up and say something. Of course, at this point I get anger because I am suddenly not being what I was, agreeable and willing to do what was necessary. Even before this self honesty and self forgiveness I recognized this.

A new friend, and I will listen and be helpful, but when this goes too far and I realize that this person or group is expecting the same even if it is taking advantage of my actions, I always say, hey wait a minute. I am here and willing to help, but I am not here to take unreasonable demands.

I have always worked with my family. Supported what needed to be done, listened and helped find solutions to what was being faced and dealt with. But now I am no longer this. I am not there to listen to my mother, especially when I can hear the ice cubes clinking in her glass over the phone. I have stopped this because I no longer accept this role of listener to the sadness expressed after a drink.

Nor do I want to listen to conversations about faith and God, which is the present subject of my mother. And my father talks about a recent lecture series on “the games people play”, which I have talked about with my father, but he is unwilling to take it further. The description of these games is more entertaining than the next step, which is why do these “games” exist.

I have often asked that next question, the one, one is not supposed to ask, and I have received anger. Just as I am receiving hysteria and anger and frustration now. All of this is really nothing new, it has been here all my life. It is like there is a part of me that suddenly blurts out the question that is not supposed to be asked, and I am considered as ” just not understanding”.

No wonder I have insecurity about understanding things, I have been told my whole life I do not understand. My agreeableness and my questioning create confusion.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be confused by anger.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be confused by frustration.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be confused by anger, by not realizing that perhaps the anger is simply fear because the question cannot be answered by the person asked the question.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to take anger from another personally ,as though I have done something wrong.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear anger.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self become anger when I am in the presence of anger.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be agreeable to be accepted.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to become angry in the belief that I am being taken advantage of.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel righteous and indignant that my parents are suggesting that spending 10,000$ for a chapel for their cult is ok, but spending 1200EU on a course is not.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to laugh at the threats that I am losing my family because I am following “cult” online, when my existence up until this point has not really changed, I am simply more careful with my money and try not to waste it on things that are not necessary.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be angry that my parents are calling my children and making sure i HAVE NOT “IMPRESSED” THEM.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that this hysteria is really fear of what has been here as no longer being here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that this hysteria is me, is the fear of walking from accepted doctrines, accepted beliefs, accepted roles.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I need not fear leaving these habits, because they have not changed the world as it exists.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe in this hysteria and fear.
I forgive myself for not realizing that the only reaction to all this fear is no reaction.
I forgive myself for not realizing that a change in behavior, especially with a family construct will probably disturb what has existed for a long time.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that being angry that my family for reacting to my choices is really a form of pride.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that my family should instantly accept what I do, when their habits in and as belief will question any change from that belief at first.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I have read and watched many things which is why I am here, and this is not some random unreasonable choice.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to pity my self.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to allow all these emotions when the principle of all this is to bring about oneness in equality, to stop fear.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to forget oneness in equality in my worry of more hysteria from my family.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize self trust in and as breath in every moment, and that my family and their established beliefs cannot take my self from me.
I forgive myself for not realizing that my children are capable of standing as themselves.

I am here
I am self
I am constant in my self direction towards amalgamating life as all as one as equal into the physical, even as I fall, waiver, hesitate and stumble, I am here, remembering breath, breathing again.

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About rebeccakarlendalmas

Desteni I Process Equal Life Foundation livingincome.me eqafe.com
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