I was working on the reading program last night and again had the problem of seeing the words that flashed on the screen within a each reading development section. This is something that has come up recently. I never had a problem with seeing the flashing words. I also have had a hard time typing words, keep missing the keys. Am impatient with listening to people and even reading articles, as of late. So, I am wondering what is this?
Last night while doing the RP I again missed practically all the flashed words within one section, but I watched my self, tried to see what I was doing. I have been able to do this so it is there! What happened? Where am I ( LOL )!.
When, within the next section I could again see all the flashed words, there was this physical sense of seeing. I even wrote this description to someone and then erased it, because I thought, who am I to suggest that I physically sensed this?
Then a juxtaposition came up. I had to go and get my son in the middle of the night because his asthma was acting up ( he does not have school today- last day of finals and he has none) and as I walked from the house to the car I was frightened by the dark ( which usually I am not but the other night it was so dark and something was running and breathing- or so it seemed- right next to me and I could not see it so I am holding onto this fear that I became that other night! ). Any way, this fear felt like a cloud, like what I see as an ominous presence. I immediately did self-forgiveness and thought about what was physically there, the dark, nature, the compost where the animals come at night and are probably frozen in their own fear of me! This was what was there. The coyotes will stop and stare one in the eye but they also do not do anything. It was only my mind, my energy of fear that was fucking up the whole being of my self in the dark with all the stars very clear above.
I also realize that I am very susceptible to suggestions/words. Even if I do not agree with the things being said to me they hang on me and I find I have to do more than just “let them go”. I read some criticism of Desteni on the web a couple of weeks ago and even though I did not agree, I noticed the ideas as doubts creep into me. ( I just wondered if the mind “voicing” the words one reads as one reads them is the mind making sure one hears the words??- I have a question about this from the reading program, because I notice that I am/the mind is “voicing/repeating what I read? ) Now, I am even having this energy/ominous presence of cult. And this is what is being said to me again and again by the people around me. It is as if I can feel this around me as well. How curious that what is said to me can have such an effect, such a presence even if I agree with it or not, how it can remain and consume. No wonder we are in the mess we are in. Especially with the media and television.
In looking at being able to see the words flashed, in those times when playing the violin is easy, the physical, awareness as the physical is involved, that which “feels” like it moves slowly, is that which moves quickly. This ominous presence is heavy and dragging and slow and so blinding, I could not notice the stars, not even sense what was there in the night, not even see the words on the page, and patience is lost in the soup of the energy, of the fear.
But self trust is there in the physical, that which is faster and more alive, that is life. That which responds before any words pop into the mind, that which does not want to rush through reading something, that does not move as “just getting something done” , that which needs no presence as guide.
Yet, here I am with a presence of, “it is Monday, and my son should be in school” , this is the habitual. UGH!
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