I am having resistance to bloging and vloging. Is this because the people that are close to me in my world are “concerned” and telling me I am in a cult? Is this because, I like so many and aware of how many of my posts and vlogs are looked at? Is this because I am stuck in a loop that I am very much aware of, this loop of thinking about what I am capable of doing to bring oneness and equality here? This loop of changing what is around me? This loop of financial , seeming, limitation that I am in?
The same fears are here, and I speak forgiveness, it seems to be the only thing now, speaking, simply trying to stop the emotions and ego, because I realize that these things are not common sense, they do nothing to solve what is here, they are my fears. They are how I separate my self into worry and resistance. They are how I have defined my self within an imposed structure. They maintain this structure, they maintain fear. And this is the point of them.
The vloging and bloging is showing another fear. The fear of survival. The game of competition. So, I stand back.
My son is here, at home more, not smoking so much pot, not gathering with his friends as much, not drinking as much because he is not with his friends as much. He is here talking to me more.
Last night I dreamed of him, my son. He has a tendency to brake things, in careless non-awareness of the things around him. I dreamed that he had broken all the chairs in the house. the frustration of this was the dream. I was incredulous that he continued to blatantly brake things in the house.
So much braking going on. Is my son a reflection of me? Am I braking things down and facing an unknown? Is the absence of moving into what I believe is what I am supposed to do as a female in this constructed society the braking of me as a robot and the alternative what I am resisting?
I actually have had the thought that my son wants to destroy what is here so that it is no longer a possibility, so one is forced to take the next step.
Turning back is not an option.
And my feet are not stable enough to move forward.


About rebeccakarlendalmas

Desteni I Process Equal Life Foundation
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