Feelings

I did not desire sex, no sexual movement came up, but there were feelings. Mostly coming from my chest area. And I have noticed lately, that it feels like I have this heavy weight on my back just below my scapula bones. I notice when I walk that it seems that I am almost falling over. This is where this feeling is coming from. And it is heavy. And there is a want to physically be close to someone I know.
I must have created this from want and need. Need for comfort, need to companionship, security, as in not being alone.
I built this up over time, believed that i was alone and wanted someone to be with. So, now I have this weight of this desire here pulling my torso over it is so heavy. And it wants to be what it was created for. Closeness and physical companion ship. Some might call this love. I feel like I cannot breath it is so heavy.
I remember, when I started trying some meditation, and I would focus on visualizing. This visualizing became so heavy, I just stopped because it gave me a headache. It seemed to feel so forced and thick and didn’t really seem to DO anything. It was like work that went nowhere, like regurgitation of no outcome. Sisyphus pushing the rock up the hill endlessly.
So this “feeling” is like a rock I am endlessly pushing up a hill, and all that it does is end up rolling back down the hill, in its loop of up and down to nowhere.
Just like thoughts, up and down a hill to nowhere. We are all rocks going up a hill and down a hill to nowhere. No wonder a famous nursery rhyme is about Jack and Jill running up the hill to fetch a pail of water, Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after. As children we sing about our own demise!
The money system is the same way. Only the rock is debt. We are so busy with our debt we don’t realize what is happening, so frightened by surviving we don’t see anything.
I did extensive forgiveness of sexual desire. And it took a while to stop this from consuming me. But here I am left with this feeling in my chest. And I have been trying to name this for the last couple of days. I suppose the world of people of the mind would say I am in love. But, I know that this is an energetic possession of my own creation. That I name this so, is because of Desteni, that I want to run and escape this heavy thickness is what I have always done, even in my twenties, couldn’t stand the feeling of attachment, seemed like a trap. Whatever I have to say about it, the whys, the wheres, the whatfors it has to stop because it is making me fall forward, like I can’t hold my self up.
And still I get these thoughts that this is what is supposed to be and it is good, and don’t worry about it, go with it, as my sister would say. Let it be, says the song.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to want physical comfort and companion ship.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to want another warm body to sleep next to.
I forgive myself for allowing an accepting my self to believe that I need a partner because i need physical comfort and attention and interaction.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to desire physical attention and warmth from another person.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self , as all as one as equal, to believe that I need physical companionship.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have longed for someone to sleep next to, someone to lay down next to for warmth and companionship.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to chose someone who does not want someone to sleep in their bed with them.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be upset because this person does not want to sleep next to another person.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel sad that this person does not want to realize that they are a mind system.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to pity my self for having these feelings of attachment and not letting them go and then being pissed that this person does not see the extent to which they exist as two sides of the same coin.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be sad that the world exists within a matrix and does not seem to want to see how redundant their supposed “reasoning” is
I forgive myself that I have allowed my self to be stuck in this energetic feeling of love, even when I know it is not going anywhere.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to actually speak up about this and to be met with aggravation and calls to my sister concerned with my welfare because I am becoming more distant because I realize that I cannot stop the thoughts of this person’s mind and therefor know I have to walk away even though I am attached and want to find a way to stop all this.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to exist as a feeling.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to stall the use of my will in letting this feeling go because I then face other fears.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not want to face the fear behind the feeling.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be afraid to be alone.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear being all by my self without companionship
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to constantly ask myself, “what am I going to do next fall when the boys are gone?”
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to worry about the future.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to worry about a future that I can do nothing about because it is not here!
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to worry about something that is not here in this moment.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to want to hide in the comfort of physical touch and warmth.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to allow the mind to direct me to the what ifs that are not here, in this moment.
I am here.
I am not these feelings and therefor they need not consume me.
I am here, and these feelings that exist have nothing to do with what is physically here in this moment.
I am here, in breath, and do not need physical affection to remain here.
I am life, as all as one as equal, in breath, in this moment. The future is not here. I have lived long enough to know that meticulous planning of the future does not become what one suspects.
I do not need these feelings to support my self here.
I support my self as life as all as one as equal, in breath.

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About rebeccakarlendalmas

Desteni I Process Equal Life Foundation livingincome.me eqafe.com
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