I am shaking

So, here I try to wrote out this moment, as it happens, but I am shaking.

My mother has just said I was involved in a cult and have lost all that I have been taught.
I asked her to define cult. She said, I will just use the words and arguments I have learned from this “man” who has started this cult I am in in response. ( She said she has read everything). So we did not go anywhere here.
She then said I cannot know God and heaven, that what holds up the Christian is faith and that the principle of loving your neighbor as yourself is but a small part of what Jesus taught. That the judeo/christian 4000 years (she said) of history is what Christ’s teaching is all about. The ten commandments etc.
The ten commandments support loving GOD. No other image is to be worshipped, God is not to be cursed at, one must honor the parents and what they have followed ( GOD ) and spend a day each week ‘honoring” GOD. This sounds more like a cult to me. I am thinking of BAGWAN.
The other “commandments” are really a practical application to stop chaos, so that GOD can be followed. Don’t kill, don’t lie, don’t desire your neighbor’s things, basically that is it. These are practical applications for existence, for men to be able to live together.
Every “cult” has these.
So, the ten commandments are engineered to organize men and direct enslavement to GOD.
And they are special because it took 4000 years to write them down. LOL
The information presented by Desteni did not take research, is not based on history? I then said that what was being said was based on more “history” than the Judeo/Christian tradition.
Actually, what happened is that, at this point, there is no other history. There is only what my mother knows, anything else “does not make sense”. I am shaking because I am talking to a recording?
I am upset because I wanted to prove my self, I wanted to try and talk through this. I have to say I stayed calm.
When my mother began to speak as though she was going to cry hysterically, I asked her not to cry for me, not to become emotional, I was fine. She immediately became accusatory and said she was not crying for me, that she was sorry for me. I then said , please do not feel sorry for me, she was immediately reproachful, and denied that she had expressed sorrow for me.
That is just weird. But this is what I get. It is like I stand before multiple personas that easily change in an instant.
This is what happened with this man I am dating.
I am not thinking of going to the Desteni Farm, this is not my goal. I am not thinking of, boy, wow now i am in a group, I have found a group! WOW.
But these reactions, they confirm many of the things Desteni presents. How much the human is locked into specific thought patterns, and sequences of ideas and words and any thing outside of this succession cannot be seen, or reacted to. We have given so much fucking meaning to words, that we no longer see the words.
But this is the symbol as meaning argument. Picture as meaning.
Why do I shake at words filled with meaning that I no longer “ride” along with in an effort to use words as what they are?
Here is where my own ego/emotion come in.
I became upset that my mother was not listening. She was not going to listen, she wanted to be listened to. When I questioned her meaning behind her words, I was criticized for abandoning what I had been taught.
All I can do is pick away at asking to look more closely at what is being said, just as I have done and continue to do. In this I will improve. I will also improve emotionally, in that I will recognize the emotional/ego movement and remain stable in “sounding” the words being used for what they are, without the ‘meaning” conditioned into them.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to become unnerved by the reaction of my mother, by a reaction to what I am speaking that is looking at what is here instead of what is in my mind.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to want to continue to make a point in a conversation when I need to walk away.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to realize that I am loosing everyone I know here, but I didn;t know too many people here any way, mostly men that wanted sex, or women that wanted someone to go to a bar with.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to feel that I am not invited out for dinner with couples because I do not have a partner.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to worry about being alone.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to allow fear and uncertainty to stop my self, to be a habit, where I do not even realize that I am doing this.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I am comfortable in this constriction that is fear that is self criticism, that is my self pulling my self in so that I may be careful in my presentation, to avoid conflict and want what I am saying to be accepted, to be “palatable”.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I have failed because I allowed fear as constriction to overwhelm me.

I am able to breath, I am able to not allow the habit of “pulling my self in” to exist, and even though I am not experienced in my awareness of what this means exactly, because I am too much my mind, I am lighter, and I am able to walk towards stopping this fearful tightening into emotion and ego, the use of these ideas and beliefs of ominous outcome, of punishment that does not really exist but in my mind.

I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear not having a support system via my parents should I need it.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I am possibly unable to financially support my self.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I have common sense.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel that I do not know where to go from here.
There is no place to go but here.

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About rebeccakarlendalmas

Desteni I Process Equal Life Foundation livingincome.me eqafe.com
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