I have been playing a lot of music, looking for some kind of pattern or sound that I have wanted, as in the thing saying something. But, like Vicktor?, I realized that it is not the music it is simply making the sound. I was not going to find some specific pattern or sound. Not that forming a piece with sound was in itself something one did not do.
I also have had to “drop” feeling to survive, in that I had to keep going; for children. I had to drop the feelings with losing a husband, a person who I was also, or so it appeared, my “best friend”. The loss, was consuming, and this had to be let go, life had to go on.
It was probably sometime after letting these feelings for a close person lost, that I could no longer read novels. I was too aware of the “feelings” voiced in the story, and how the outcomes, more often than not, of an outcome of one’s/ a characters “lot” in life of “goodness/what was gained” and “trials and tribulations” won or lost that leave a melancholy feel about life, where one has an understanding of what life is that can be construed as wisdom. And one “sits” in this. But where does this go? This gain of “wisdom”? I do not want to be a hierophant ( the symbol of “divine wisdom” ) sitting on a throne, being compassion, and circling in the glory of belief in some kind of overview that is considered “wise ” and “good”. This, ultimately, is stagnant and limited- no wonder we grow old, or do we simply become a cobweb. The dust of our stagnation, the dust of non movement, turning us into dust. We become that which we allow to collect around us. Which makes sense; money, alcohol, drugs, feelings, love etc. can consume and turn us to dust.
But, I also ask my self, have I blocked the feeling of my self? ( and I do not mean feelings) In rejection of all the feelings thrown at me, as what I am supposed to be feeling, in reading so much and taking “feeling” from outside sources, in what might appear,or be, an intrinsic drive towards the wanting of “wisdom”, have I ignored my self?????
All of this is probably the same reaction to alcohol that I have, there is just too much “feeling” going around and I am satiated, it is making me feel ( LOL )sick. No wonder I have dreams of regurgitating water.
On the other hand, this must be life wanting to find it self. This is life seeking expression.
But everything is already “known” so I do not need to sit in the naming of the thing, If that is what I have done.
I am here and it is ok to rejoice in simply being here. I am allowed to “feel ” this.