tensing up

I have wanted to write about self honesty, about being aware enough to move with those moments where one realizes something but doesn’t do anything, just keeps going in a chosen direction.. But I did a video with the youtube video recording system last night and had to force my self to push the publish button. I was surprised because I had made a vlog and pushed the button, it just didn’t download the video. I don’t remember having such a reaction.
Anyway, I had a reaction, the same reaction I had last summer when I was out in a crowd. My back immediately tightened up, it really felt like all of me tightened up. I noticed barrage of other things that I use to support the image in and as judgement that I have of my self came flooding in as well. So overwhelmed, I just breathed; 4 count in, 4 count hold, 4 count out, 4 count hold etc. It did’t take very long before I felt “lighter”, the contrast was an aid in that I could see a major difference between each state of being.
This seems so silly because i am someone who has been on the stage all my life. I have been approached by members of audiences and told that I have an incredible stage presence. But I have stood on the stage and completely crumbled as well. Teaching school, one is told that the children will not stop and pay attention if they have no trust in the teacher. I have walked up to the front of a classroom and noticed all the children become silent and turn towards me calmly. So, why do I “constrict” walking down a street, with a man, and when I place a video on line? Those times I did not crumble on stage I went and just did what needed to be done. I was not thinking about how I looked. When I did an audition, three years ago. I just did it, I did it with the spirit of wanting to see how much sound i could project into this big room I was in, that was what I was there for; it was actually fun to see what sound in that room would be. I never really minded doing verbal reports in school.
When I feel I am presenting my self, and I will be judged on my looks, or possibly criticized, I crumble.
Why am I here doing this? What keeps me going? Why am I allowing this worry, this self criticism, this fucking bullshit invade my direction of my self. These fucking beliefs that created this very mess in the first place, that enslaved and imprisoned and limited. Because of a loss of awareness, of self honesty, and an adherence to the systems of the mind, of judgement and the possibility of description into a set order of supposed standards that judge instead of considering a process of life becoming aware. We stop and bask in an ability to define and forget the continuum of movement that is life. Criticism has become that of fear instead of direction.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear criticism for the presentation of my self because of a belief and desire.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to react to criticism by judging my self.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear being labeled.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel rejected because what I am as life, as someone searching for life is rejected for a desire to not face life as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel hurt that someone would not want to face how the world exists and just want a long haired feminie object on their side.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel sad that I am supposed to be an object and not stand up and realize my self.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to tighten up , which is my body telling me that I am not being my self, that I am doing something to fill an accepted image picture presentation, providing ego satisfaction.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to want to be a certain image for fear that I will not be accepted.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to forget direction because I am using the criteria of the mind and projecting the criticism that is the mind on how I will be judged, which is my self fearing systems of belief.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to pity my self for believing that judgement can undermine my self.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel that this energetic film of belief, opinion and idea is too big, too much, when I have actually experienced the lightening of this and know that it is never too much.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to stop breathing.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have a difficult time breathing here, now, because I really want to concentrate on what is passing through my head and I can’t type because of it.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be aggravated with my self.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I must be compassionate in every moment, which means that I must accept and forgive the beliefs that people exist as around me.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel that standing in anger is not a solution.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to compare my self to an idea of beauty.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to pity myself based on an idea of beauty.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to compare my self to an idea of age as being limited
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to care for what an idea decides what should be or not be.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to care about making a mistake.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel that belief, opinion , and idea can limit the expression of my self as life as all as one as equal.
I am here
I am lie
I am breathing
I am breathe
I remain constant in and as breath
I breathe and remain watchful of my self and realize idea, opinion and belief as description in a moment and not something that is “etched in stone”.

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About rebeccakarlendalmas

Desteni I Process Equal Life Foundation livingincome.me eqafe.com
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