Today, as though I carried the past with me, the past as an image that appeared in 2002 in and as a man, telling me he was coming. And he came. But today this image was here as me, and so was the emotion from that day. But I was not the emotion then. This feeling of wanting a partner, of wanting to feel more secure because I had a person sharing my life with me. This is the feeling attached/with this image of this man sitting in me today.
And I would follow these things, believing them to be “where I was supposed to be”. So, in looking at the person I was/needed to be to fulfill the need for the image that is a persona of a man, I was a woman wanting support ( and probably intimacy etc.) in the ways woman are perceived to need support, in all that I was/am/believe as the role and persona of a woman.
And why would I follow/be/believe in the being of such a thing? The desire to avoid something? Security. Even this idea of security being just that, an idea. Being the habit of all that I believe the world to exist as. Accepting things as they are in this existence, as they appear to be. At the time this image appeared it consoled me, and I realized that, in the future, things would be alright because something was coming. ( I have done this so many times!)
Why did I need to be consoled? Why did I desire/allow an idea of security as in the “coming of a partner” to be support, to calm me and keep me going?
Why this persona that is me that is of compassion, and listening ability, caring, directing all of me towards “caring” for others so enticing in that I am so used to being this, yet always feel smothered within this?
It is like I am fighting and remaining habit at the same time. In facing that which fights, I find fear of my self.
And then, I start projecting my self in and as my mind into scenarios where I must stand and face the world as my self. And I realize that this in itself is ridiculous, because these things are not here, I have no fucking idea how to answer and stand and speak in something that is a image. These “imaginings” have no standing…there is no material substance to them, is it a wonder that there is fear? There is nothing there!
But this thing faced in turning from a role, and image, a created need based on idea, is wanting certainty. And since the certainty is something of no standing it all falls apart as support, and again all that is met is confusion.
Of course there is confusion, because there is nothing there to stand on!
What a fucking mirage! That’s right, we live in the mirror age!
Slow down, breath, use the real platform that is here, the physical and walk.
This is where self can stand, this is how the confusion is stopped, that does not really exist, because I am life, I am here. And, life, which is what we all are , is worthy of standing, is that which stands.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the image of a man to direct and guide me as “where I am supposed to be”.
I forgive my self for allowing and accepting my self to believe in the mind.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I am a role as determined by the circumstances of my childhood and the supposed qualities of my self as a persona.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe I must suppress my self in becoming the persona I have become as habit as belief in how I survive within the present existence of persona as man and woman as defined taking on of certain characteristics.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to seek answers in the mind, as solutions and direction of my self here as life instead of using what is physically here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to create fear of walking as my self, as life, through seeking support and certainty in imagery for fear of making a mistake.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that in seeking support through and as the mind I only confuse my self.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to waste time spinning around in idea.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have built an idea of my self as being unworthy based on the confusion created by imagining outcome that is of no substance and therefor can only create a nebulous no-thing.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to avoid life and all that is here in moving as a role and persona of what I am supposed to be instead of enjoying what is actually here as life.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that my survival is based on the projection of a persona, whereby I become that persona and eliminate the awareness of my self as life as all as one as equal.
I am here, I am not the images generated by the mind.
And yet, I thank the mind for showing me my own fear, my own anxiety.
In this I need not even fear the mind.
I embrace the physical as my self.
I embrace the physical as the platform that is what is actually here, that I may remain constant as my self as life as all as one as equal.
I am my self as joy, here, as life, as all as one as equal.
I do not need to imagine as the mind. I can direct my self, here.