I have tried to cut back on everything I do with my money. My electric bill is much lower, i no longer buy packets of cigarettes, the only clothes I buy are jeans for the boys, shoes and socks and underwear, because all the other clothes that I might need I can find in second hand stores. There is even a shop here called MassAppeal, where people trade clothes, you do not have to pay anything. My younger son and I eat very little, since my O blood child is in school I buy less food; my O blood type child eats a lot. Even as a baby he could eat a lot more than my second child.
I have managed to save more money, have had to to pay for the schooling of my two children and did manage to save more money this fall and last summer.
I don’t purchase any meat at a supermarket, instead I buy in bulk. This fall I managed to buy a new computer having done this, and purchased a program, which I make payments on every month. I thought with all this saving I might even move forward in other areas, but I don’t think I will be able to. I had to pay 1200$ to fix my stick shift after my son drove it in a storm. And now I have to make another payment on my relatives account. This will eat up what I have managed to save. And I will have to save a small amount coming in for the summer. Today, I have to prepare my taxes, which is always interesting. Last year, though I was supposed to have a tax credit for education costs I was not allowed to use this. I could pay some accountant about 400$ to figure this out, but having looked at the rules, I think, because the income I have is divided into each member of the family, and not solely mine, it is taxed separately. Once my children turn 18 and are away in school they have to do their own listings and this bumps everything up in terms of the amount payed on taxes. The whole system is geared to take as much as possible.
So, last night I was feeling tired of juggling this, annoyed that I can’t seem to get ahead, always having this thought that something is going to come along and take what was gained. But actually,I have been very careful, could probably be more careful. And what I do is “pick away at it” and in this have managed to buy a new computer, and a new fridge ( which lowered my electrical costs considerably, and hung my laundry out to dry, and taken fewer showers, and wear my clothes for more than a day etc. – last summer I even managed to grow most of our lettuce )
There are ways to heat a house, or at least supplement the heating of a house. This I am working on. It would be nice to build some solar panels. THis is also in the works. The actual building of solar panels is not that hard, I have the plans, it is the gadgets that convert the energy into the grid that cost. But this can be picked away at too.
I have always wished I could lie down on a bed of moss and sleep, when I need to sleep. It looks so much more beautiful and peaceful than a bed.
So, actually what I am complaining about I have worked on, and continue to work on, and have managed to get some things done that cost money. So all this self pity and ominous thought of never getting ahead is just that; thought. I have my self.
Once on a rant of complaint, I find it is like a vortex that begins to suck in everything, the mind twists and turns everything into the gloom, the cause, the very reason why, what was the original trigger for, the doubt/fear/anxiety.
So, last night I did this, I went into gloom and doom about money, about being careful with my money and believing that I have not managed to save because of unforseen circumstances.
Actually, most of the time when I go into something like this, I know it is meaningless, that should I die tomorrow, or lose everything i have in a day, these “feelings” are not going to do anything! The actual “feeling” of self pity does NOTHING! It is like the stupidest waste of time ever conceived of! What does it do????? NOTHING It is NO THING.
So, I am going to try and sell my violin, because I need help with this organization of forgiveness, of stopping the mind, and I need to figure out how to get a video on line. Can’t imagine the words of disbelief I receive at the idea of selling my violin. People are aghast. Musical instruments increase in value more than anything else. Well, I can’t believe this because, evidently, the sellers take 50% of the sale, whereas ten years ago they took about 10%. So, all those poor musicians that spent money buying a good instrument as an investment are screwed in the end because they have to pay 20% in tax on the sale and the seller takes half. I will have to sell privately. If I can sell it.
Sometimes i think it is all an illusion anyway. I have played on what would be considered a cardboard box and people come up and ask what kind of violin I have.
Forgiveness on self pity and money and the spiraling of thought worry creates that does NOTHING! Just a stew of energy. Pick my self up and keep going with what is actually here.
The imperfection is the mind. The thoughts and emotions and feelings that are the “stew” of mal-content, that stop common sense, that con-strict breath, that allow fear and worry. And money is the trigger. But, I as self, will that the bullet not fly. No bullet of thought, emotion, and feeling will fly here. Like the word “will”, the “i” stands before the “ll” walls that are the mind and stops these things by its very presence. I, as self, am the ill of the mind. I am the worm that flies in the night in the howling storm, and my great secret love does my life, as the mind, destroy.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to become the mind in and as worry and self pity about my money availability.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to create a vortex of thought whereby I begin to judge all that is around me as the cause of my seeming lack of money.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have the thought that my son caused the present lack of money, where I then blame him and then go into the belief that ” if it weren’t this. it would have been something else.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to become woe, an energetic “mind” no-thing that I allow to become my self instead of realizing that this is not my self and that this will only stop what I have been doing which is learning to be careful with what I have and is what I will continue to do and in this I will move my self one step at a time towards my self being the change that will bring equality here to earth.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe there is any hindrance towards being the change necessary to allow life to exist here on earth but what is in my mind.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I have the ability to manage what I have with common sense and utilize what I have in such a way that I can, one step at a time, move forward in becoming life as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting any and all thought that is of no-thing, that clearly does not direct my self in common sense towards solution that is of practical, physical, productive outcome.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that I have already taken practical steps forward and will continue, for as long as it takes.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to move as the mind, to spend any time in and as the mind, even in an evening of self doubt and self pity.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to forgo breathing in becoming the mind as worry and self pity, instead of stopping thoughts and remaining in breath.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the thought that because something is not immediately solved means that I have failed.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel and thing that I am moving too slowly and therefor have no hope of success.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to allow the memory of past success to support me here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to use what I have managed in the past to support me in this moment of thought of difficulty.
I am here
I am life
I am not my mind
I am life, as breath, as self and no-thing can stop that from birthing life into the physical.