Aliayea – The subconscious to conscious gridline placement within human’s minds
In reading through the articles on the Desteni website, I , once again, came across this article on how we become enslaved to energetic constructs.
The article talks about a hexagonal structure that holds all the major events from childhood that become the veil that, as an adult, we see the world as how we judge.
I just simply listed the 6 events and wrote down the first thing that came up.
My mother had a fight with my father and took me to the mall. She talked about her situation and I listened, in listening and being present I was support. At the end of this event, she bought me a patchwork shirt for accompanying her.
This has been my role, to sit and support and listen and accept the emotions of others and to be sympathetic. The rewards is thanks and financial aid.
I walked up to my father and younger sister sitting together on an outside patio. My father yelled at me and told me not to bother his time with my sister, and promptly pushed ( don’t remember ) or shoved me away and I fell onto a tricycle and still have a moon scare on my toe. I remember stomping towards the house angry, and feeling unworthy, unwanted, not good enough to be included in his presence.
This one does not bring up an image. Enslavement to something greater.
Accepted standards of beauty are greater than anything. My father and especially the actions and preferences of men in our schools if they have the power to choose, will stop if something they believe to be beautiful stands before them. I have lived with this all my life and watched as my twin sister was constantly approached on the street by men, and I was, as I thought, ignored, unless the man had some manners/civility and at least said hello to me as well, but often they did not, so engrossed were they in the beauty of my sister. So, what comes up is allowing any common sense when faced with beauty, beauty being what is indoctrinated and subscribed to by the media.
It was in kindergarten, in Missouri. All the students had a nap time where they would lay down their towels onto the floor and rest for a few minutes. I remember the towel I had brought, it was white with a black magic marker’d print out of my name. Everyday we did this, and one day I thought something was amiss, my sister and I were never picked to “wake up” the group at the end of nap time. My family lived on a farm a bit away from the new “suburban” developments out side of Kansas city. My parents had professional jobs and were not really part of the local group, they hung out with artists and “intellectuals”. So, I walked up to the teacher one day and asked why my sister and i were never picked. She picked us not soon after this. I see much of education as favoritism, as the people making the choices choosing what is comfortable for them, what fits into what they know or support as belief, or what they think is fair. teachers support the familiar, the status quo of the school.
If I think about music competitions, the winner is usually the one that creates the least reaction. The judges usually have strong opinions about what they like and what they do not like. So the competitors who are accepted with strong like are often criticized by half of the other judges in the opposite manner- disliked. This player then loses points. The performer that receives the least reaction ends up getting the most points and wins.
Teachers and schools seek actions that create the least amount of friction, actions that do not upset the status quo.
Let us just hope that “susi” who’s mother was on the school board did not go home and complain that I was picked and that the teacher had not picked her enough.
So, education, though having many good aspects, is ruled by social control and politics and if one is careful, one can use this.
Even for the state teacher literacy test, I wrote what they wanted to hear, simply because I needed to pass. I very consciously approached this test this way. I got a 95% on my essay. I even plugged in the same essay formula that I found in an high scoring example on line.
Education is regurgitation of doctrine and not stepping on any ones toes in such a way to upset the status quo.
5. Facing Adulthood;
I took ballet for a while as a child. I remember loving this. One day, after class, my “street” clothes were missing. The older girls were sitting in the dressing room laughing. I never went back. I was, naturally, upset. My mother had a “loud” conversation in another room about me and ballet. ” My head was too big for me to be a ballerina, my legs were too short. I was limited in becoming something by how I looked, how I was physically. One was limited to what one became because of how one was shaped.
Immediately my memory of having high fevers came up. I would get the really high fevers and see all this “stuff” etc. One time my parents put me in a bathtub of water with ice cubes. Time and space changes and warps when there is a high fever and this is definitely what happened with me.
After what happened with my husband, I see trauma and illness as an absolute change in reality. Where one is standing outside of everything and the normal patterns no longer exist.
On the farm we had an old horse that one day just went and stood in the middle of this large pond-like watering hole. Just stood there, unmoving, like some kind of weird movie. The horse died not soon after, but it is as though the horse did something outside of the norm. As well, my one dog. This dog was old and could barely walk, I had to help it in and out of the house. Flies were laying eggs all over her exterior, I had to shave her and comb her everyday to stop the fly eggs. I would put her out in the evening to eat, when is was cooler. She didn’t move from this spot in the last weeks before she was killed. One day, she got up and walked out onto the road, this god ( wow I wrote god and not dog), that appeared to no longer walk. The cars stopped, but she fell under the truck and the back wheels of the truck ran over her and killed her. How she fell under the truck is beyond me, but the event was outside of her normal behavior.
So, I see illness and trauma as taking one outside, warping time and space, a force that alters reality.
How does all this become the veil with which I see the world as the adult that I now am?
My role is to listen and be sympathetic.
Men are more often than not controlled by beauty, will chose beauty over common sense.
One is “unworthy” merely by the absence of a quality that draws attention.
This is gods will, so just sit back and accept, might as well watch the game.
The good are the enemy of the best.
Illness and trauma stop the world.
I will have to continue with this…
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that beauty rules the world, that all that is seen by men is beauty and sexual desire.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be reactive to a singular image of beauty as being what draws attention, and in this holding my self back as being unseen/unnoticed/unwanted, not realizing that in seeing this as all that exists is abusing my self and life, in limiting what is here within my self.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe the world to be limited in how it exists, in that the only interests of men are of beauty.
I forgive myself that I have allowed my self to believe that all that is seen is what is beautiful as what is accepted by men from the media as an indication of success, therefor because I am not attended to, as my sisters are attended to means that I will not be noticed.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I am an embarrassment to my father because i am not a “beauty” like my sisters.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to see this as all that exists.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel that I am not being noticed because I am not creating the condition of “beauty”.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I am limited in the shape of my physical self, that I am limited by the length of my legs and the size of my head.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel rejected by a group of girls because they stole my clothes and hid them from me.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to react to a prank as being what I am here, as an indication that I am not acceptable.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to have perhaps been proud of my ability within the ballet class and therefor separated my self from the other girls, creating insecurity and abuse.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel that I am separate from my colleagues because my parents included artists and intellectuals as their friends and therefor anything else was “beneath me”.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to move with my society as something more than or less than based on criteria passed onto me by the comments of my parents and the group of people my parents associated with.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to use the criteria of the society of my parents to judge allowed associations and thereby separate my self from others unless the associations were met with the individuals around me.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that how others exist can become me should I associate with them, not realizing that what is here is me, that I am one and equal to all that is here.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize that all that is here is my self as life as all as one as equal, where I either allow the judgement and idea and opinion to be the singularity that I become as an energetic thought construct, as energy movement or I accept what is here and stand through what is here in and as breath, in and as the principle of oneness in equality, in what is best for all.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to see in limitation, where I see only the limited idea, opinion, belief and become a reaction to the singular idea, opinion, belief, and thereby accept and allow the singular idea, opinion, and belief instead of remaining in breath and principle of all as one as equal.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting the idea that I must respond to idea, opinion, and belief, and be overwhelmed by opinion, idea and belief in the belief that I must delineate every idea, opinion and belief placed before me and respond and in this believing that this is something that cannot be done and will only lead to confusion.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be confused by the limitations of ideas, opinions, beliefs presented to me through energetic movement that is of limited presence.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to react to what ideas. opinions and beliefs are before me in any scenario to cause my self to pity my self should I become overwhelmed and caught in a belief that I need to respond within the confines of the energy of the belief, opinion and idea.
I am my self and no idea, opinion and belief can confine my self as I remain in breath in accepting and allowing all that is here to be my self as I stand and direct my self as oneness and equality with the presence of my self as what is here into the realization of direction as life as all as one as equal.
I forgive myself that I have allowed my self to be intimidated by beauty.
I forgive myself that I have allowed my self to be intimidated by judgement should I not be selective about my associates.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be intimidated by the idea that I was more than another.
In to me I dated a singularity; beauty, social order, support of indoctrinated criteria of what was more than or less than instead of choosing awareness that all that was here was my self as life as all as one as equal and in this remain in breath as life as a directive of equality.
I am intimate with life, with my self as life, where the presence of my self as life, as all as one as equal is the directive of what is best for all.
IN this i am the beauty that is my sister.
The illusion of separation exists in and as my mind.
I cannot be jealous of my twin sister because i have seen how the limitation of her own singularity has limited the expansion of herself, how beauty as rules her life as much as the belief of not being beautiful as ruled mine.
Neither of these things are my self, merely ideas used in fear of survival in a system that abuses expansion of self as equality as life as directive as life through the presence of limited energetic controlled repetitions of singular states of beingness.
I breath, I stand, I propel my self as life, as all as one as equal.
I direct my self as all that is here towards awareness of equality.