Because my back is seriously bothering me I decided to pull out a taro card deck, spread out the cards and see what came out. I got the 10 of cups, which -according to the little book that came with the cards said- satiety-mars in pisces. The cups are arranged as in the Tree Of Life, but they are unstable and spill the water from the great Lotus that hangs over them. This typifies the disruptive and violent force which, inevitably, attacks every supposed perfection.
Physically i feel like I am being attacked. After a message the other day, when I stood up, I was completely out of balance, I almost fell. And the immediate finding of balance was not forthcoming. I thought, OK, something is really, seriously out of wack and the only thing to do is to find it. Am I facing my own ideas of perfection?
I had a talk with this man I dated for the last year. I have wanted to find a way to speak to him about Desteni. And again today I met with standard replies; ‘if you want to believe the world is one big conspiracy you go right ahead”, ” If following this “cult” means that you will lose the loved ones around you is it a good thing?”, ” You can’t save the world”, ” I want to remain here and enjoy my life because there is nothing that can change what is here”. At least I remain calm within my own response ( even thought some ire was present towards the end, and some, very small, feelings of sadness that this was ( also a thought) impossible). Impassible is more like it, well it is able to be passed through, if I accept it as my self, as what is here, that has been accepted and allowed, but is not directive, that exists as a singularity in that it does not include all as one as equal, does not include any movement, just acceptance and the hiding of life in limitation and stagnation that is belief. Wallowing in what has been taught and not even questioning, not even asking why. Stubborn adherence to all that one knows as one listens to the recording that is the mind. I wanted to turn this recording off, to try and turn this recording off in this man, Today I finally met with impatience and annoyance and the realization that I was not going to ‘ just sit and drink my cup of coffee and enjoy the birds out the window and realize that there was nothing I could do about how the world existed”.
Was this act, this moving my self into talking about equality with another person, who was not interested in the possibility of this existing in the world, because they believed it unattainable, my self seeking perfection in wanting to be able to convince another, meaning that success meant that I understood the principle of equality enough to change and enlighten another? Honestly, I was so engrossed in trying to be clear and not allow the conventions of thought that came towards me in the form of recorded beliefs that I did not have the time to think about failure or success. I was wondering how one responds to this barrage of denial, there is so much of it!
So, what came up after this phone conversation ended? I thought once again about my husband. I remembered him standing at the end of the hallway, the day before he died, when I noticed what seemed like massive swirling “vortex” like things around him, and that it was as though his whole self was twittering, shaking, oscillating. And I thought, at the time- and it was a tiny passing thought, “what is this?”, “WOW, something is really seriously wrong!”, “He cannot go back to this job, and we are going to have to get help!”. But then I went into all the things that needed to be done within my existence, and later he seemed calmer, and I decided to “deal with it later”. But when I went to “face” this it was too late. But sometimes I think his calm was a front, because at that moment in the hallway, for a split second, he saw what I saw and there was a fraction of a second where I sank within my self in realizing that something was seriously wrong, and he saw this and he “fell” into feeling that he had failed.
And then I had to take the boys to soccer practice, or something, Don’t remember the next moment too well.
This memory also brought the desire to cry. The thought that in seeing this “thing” consume a person, and thinking that perhaps the seeing of this was a gift to get me to wake up, and wanting to explain that not only is this why I believe in what is presented by Desteni as validation that there is something “cloaking” us and consuming us, but also that the movement of this person into self destruction is simply not acceptable. I have said this to this man, and the response is that ” I am being too analytical”, which may be true, but to eliminate what happened and how it is insane that such a thing exist is not being analytical. But the coupling of such horrific events into being too analytical does not change the fact that such a thing, as suicide, as self destruction. as life destruction, in its simplicity of indicating that something is unacceptable is not an answer. How can suggesting that what is unacceptable be anything but that? Unacceptable! So, when I get to this point, and even if it is said calmly, impatience and aggravation arrive, hands are waved and it is all dismissed. And I am threatened with “losing” all my loved ones because i am following a cult. And why????? because I am not accepting what is unacceptable and the presentation of this annoys and irritates.
I am wanting to speak perfectly about how our existence accepts the unacceptable.
I am seeing that emotion and ego within lead to nowhere, that these things are simply here, because they have been accepted and allowed, but they are not me, and the allowing of them to become me is non-directive, not-equality, non-awareness, as though I am catching my self become these singular “things” and the will to not allow this is one big thing inside saying NO! You are here but you are not me!
Again another image.
I always liked swimming in the ocean when the sea was in uproar, when the waves were huge and in a fury. One can take a big breath and, with some self propulsion, one can move easily through a big-about- to crash- wave. All the forces at work, the up and down, the sheer mass of water able to glide through, these thing moving in a display of storminess yet so able to be experienced with gentleness if one merely takes deep breaths and directs oneself through the substances present that appear to be violent.
Is this what I have done, is this what I am doing? Am I allowing a “disruptive and violent force, which attacks every supposed perfection?”
Is this my addiction? Is this how I have managed to “lose my balance”?
But, this is why equality, the principle of this has to guide us. If we use such belief as ” I want to sit here and drink my coffee and enjoy the birds” is the stance, when the world as it exists in not that of equality, and conversations/arguments that even consider any avoidance of this principle are not actually being, the movement in the being of equality. The movement of being equality is absolute. Any “word” that is opposes this is suicidal.
I could not find words to speak forgiveness.
But this came up.
Am I to lose my family and friends, and receive impatience and ire because I am deciding that suicide cannot exist! because I am deciding that all there is, is equality, and that the implementation of this, no matter what, is all that there is, means that I am a member of a cult, that I am trying to change what cannot be changed, that I am being too analytical? Is there something “wrong” with me for wanting this, for being willing to stand up and find a way to stop this?
AM I “out of balance” because I am trying to incorporate equality into walls of belief that respond in ire and impatience? Am I really just suppressing voicing this absolutely? Is it really that I am avoiding?
I am afraid of my own righteousness. I know that I have a tendency to become righteous, and I am afraid of this. I fear I do not have the discipline and the stamina to voice what I want to stand as without becoming consumed by being “right”. I have too much experience with this to know it helps nothing. The moment one wants to be “right” what is in front shuts down and turns away, dismisses.
There is nothing else but equality and one cannot ask me to stop. One cannot threaten me with loss, one cannot threaten me with loneliness, one cannot threaten me or suggest I accept limitation, in this I am being told that I must accept inequality.
Inequality= the suicide of life, the death of the existence of life here on earth.
This death of life as inequality is here, happening continuously, it is all around us and it is growing. To deny this is perhaps the greatest crime of all.