Yesterday, I went for a massage. Could not atop talking with the woman masseuse. I realized that immediately there was friction between the two of us. I started to breath, and was familiar with how I judged her, but just breathed and “avoided looking at my own judgement” to where I approached her as another person here in life, no more than or less than my self. So here I am, a spinning mind, a talking robot, attempting to keep my awareness on my breathing.
In keeping my self breathing I couldn’t really respond to what this woman was saying to me, even though at times, there were responses/defenses/indignant justifications-of wanting- to-maintian-image-placement swirling around and passing through my mind ( I was probably only seeing the shadows) Breath was keeping me from allowing these reactions display. ( re-action=dis-placement of self )
Later, I video taped my self and in the process of making a video I realized that just as one does not allow thoughts, as in not existing as the indication of the thought, one stops the thought, the intended action of the thought. If I do not respond to the thoughts of others it is the same as not attending to my own thoughts. Like saying, without as within. I am within as I am without. I do not respond/play-out/accept/continue the allowance of action triggered by thoughts, by what is of energy/polarity/judgement/opinion/idea/emotion/ego.
I am within as I am without and breath is my stabilizer, that which stops the action of thought/feeling/emotion .
The friction did not disappear, it simply did not play-out. By the end of the massage I was asked if I would be willing to string a violin in trade for another massage. ( She asked me if I danced, and then immediately asked if I played the violin….said she could “see” the music around me. LOL ) I wanted to say that if she has been doing this for a long time, by a process of elimination she could probably know what I do by my muscle development and not by some magical reading of “energy”. But this would have been a response spoken in front of a wall of belief and instead of acting superior, I stop and think, how would one approach this? In this woman saying this, there is an intrinsic desire to be what is believed to be the best for life, but this is not manifesting what is best for life. OK, I can get lost in pondering this, and it is not here, in this moment, so all I will do is end up “thinking about it”. End up being thought as an action of moving from one polarity to the next where I will not find the answer. ( and then create an emotion of despair and futility, the abdication of self to “there is no answer”, “there is only choice/choosing” )
Why is the principle of equality not taught from day one. Why are we taught to be caught in polarity detail, like a police “detail”?
Last night I dreamed my dead husband was leaving me -again. But this time we argued and shared difference of opinion. He said my way of thinking was unacceptable, and I would not let my “way of thinking” go. He left, for another woman, and his friends supported him. And the whole time I wanted to hold onto what was there.
I am not ready to let things go as they have existed in my world, and I am not going to give this “finding of my self to live as the principle of oneness in equality up”. This morning , the moment I clarified the dream as this, there was cool, icy, movement right up my spine.
But even now it is gone, because in facing this, in writing this, I am back on this “line” standing in the shadow- one hand not letting go and the other not letting go either.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to hide in my present existence.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear going out into the world to face what I have accepted and allowed, to face my own jealousies, hates,loves, opinions, justifications, desires, insecurities, vindictiveness, righteousness.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear letting go of knowledge and information as structures of belief that continue my placement in hierarchies of accepted behavior and role responsibility
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear letting structures I have learned as support of the placement of my self here , in the energetic constructs/abstractions that maintain walls/enslavement to limited systems of movement to stop the expression of life as equality as all as one as equal, go.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to allow and accept a fear of the enslavement system of allowing the power of self to support an idea/image of the presence of superiority and inferiority.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to fear and imagine repercussions of denying ideas,opinions, and beliefs as the movement of my self and stand as the living word as principle of equality, as all as one as equal, to stop and stand through the opinions, ideas, and beliefs of need, desire, want that fulfill the requirements that justify abuse of life in becoming an image of superiority and “godliness”
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to fear letting go of the constructs that place me within a role, fearing what may be lost and not knowing what lies beyond.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to continue to be reactive to beliefs and idea and opinions and class roles.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize my own power as life
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to disregard the principle of equality in every moment
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to not realize my own will to support breath in every moment
I am here
I am breath
I am breathing