At times thing slow down and I am turning from speaking forgiveness because i am become the mind again in “pondering/wondering/analyzing/” what it is that I am existing as. I avoid listening and watching videos on process because i find I start imitating the very sound of the voice and the manner of the person speaking, as though I take on a filter to model, for my self, the action of forgiveness. I notice this “persona/manner” takes so much of my self to exist that forgiveness is not productive. I am not being the living word in and as forgiveness. Such a seemingly subtle thing, only because I am not aware enough of it yet. To be able to catch the mind beginning to ponder and to catch a manner copied in a moment to realize one is not really being oneself but merely acting out motions as knowledge and information.
I cycle in this and then go into a “Willful” push to expand. Sometimes, what has been gained is not strong enough to hold, or I allow my self to become dismayed by the sudden awareness of another aspect of my mind and/or personality that appears suddenly.
I notice immediately when I speak forgiveness and it is effective. The release and “lightness” is tangible. A more systematic approach and direct help would be great but this is where I am at, and not doing anything is not an answer.
My back is really bothering me. So, what am I “pissed” about? What am I feeling “mistreated/unloved/victimized” about?
I am angry that my parents/mother/sister is suggesting that I am involved in a cult.
I am angry that my brother-in-law has created this whole bank thing ostensibly to protect the children I am raising from me, when the whole situation has really limited these children.
I am angry that I feel stuck in this house and cannot move because of the web of family and the things created to maintain this web.
I am angry that “relationships” have to be conditional, where worries and fears from past events define what will be in the future, a future that is not here and personality is scrutinized for “flaws” from the context of the person in a mind set of scrutiny. Such clutter.
Bitterness, victimhood, the art of being indignant. Self pity, frustration.
My participation in all of these scenarios is my allowance. I accepted this. I went with it because I believed it was what was doable and /or “proper”.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel “picked on, mistreated and unloved” because of my perception that things are difficult.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel that those around me are unworthy, as I express my self, silently to my self in a state of being indignant.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to view my self as being a victim of banks, parents, siblings, society, beliefs of others, opinions of others, ideas of what is proper and correct, which I accepted and allowed instead of standing as my self as all as one as equal in what is best for all.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting myself to be swayed by the words of others in fear of rejection, in fear of wrath, in fear of criticism, where I do not move past the boundaries of belief.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to become sad that I have allowed and accepted these things.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to feel that it is too late to change what I have accepted and allowed.
I forgive myself for not realizing that from this point forward, despite feelings of uncertainty and fear, I can breath and stand as my self when confronted with parental belief systems, sibling rejection, relative justification and greed, relationship ideology.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to become bitter in reaction to a belief that I am confined to beliefs and opinions in fear that should I stand up I will not be heard.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to want to be heard, where not being heard means that I have failed, or must accept what is considered the norm.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to focus on these limitations instead of moving as self direction.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe there is nothing I can do.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to believe that I will lose something should I not continue to play the game of energy.
I forgive myself for allowing and accepting my self to be any reaction as anger and contempt.
When faced with anger, pressure to remain in established beliefs/religions/doctrines, emotional needs ( mine and others), disgust, irritation, greed, uncertainty, fear of loss, jealousy I realize that these things are me and cannot harm me unless I allow them to become what it is that I am. I am only these things if I allow my self to become them.
Instead I breath and re-member my self with my self as life as all as one as equal in movement of what is best for all.
This self, that is me, that is breath is always here, it is life as all as one as equal and no matter what resonates from within or from without, as a energetic construct, or compound, it is not what it is that I am, it is but a limitation and a stagnant field of non awareness of equality. It is time to become aware of oneness instead of seeing only aspects constructed to contain and instruct one towards equality.